Conquering Fear

I've been thinking a LOT about fear; what kind of role has it played in my life, about how long it's been one of my constant companions, etc.

And while thinking through that and tracing it back over a lifetime, I've also come across some rather interesting times when fear has been CONQUERED!  

Like the time I had such a strong desire to learn to play tennis, and I meekly put the word out, and my friend Dawn was so excited to give me a lesson:

Or how much I have secretly wanted to be a runner, but thought that I was too fat to do that.  But my friend Elizabeth believed in me and encouraged me to participate in the Couch-to-5K program and then to actually run a 5K race with some other homeschool moms from our community group:

And then there's the time that I attempted to conquer my fear of heights, and I actually rapelled from the side of a mountain at a women's retreat, while all my friends were cheering me on from down below:

I live very close to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, and yet I had never been hiking because I'm afraid of bears!  But my friend Sharon encouraged me and my son to come along with her, and I did.  And I didn't die:

And most recently, the fear that I've had of going out into the ocean...I'd never been on a beach trip, never gotten in the ocean past my ankles.  And I really, really LONGED to experience that feeling.  Enter my adventurous friend Kathy, who dragged me out there and showed me how to jump waves and let go and have fun:

Are you picking up on the common theme here?  Have you seen the ONE thing that each of these experiences have in common?

FRIEND.  

That's the word.  

I'm learning, albeit slowly, that I need people.

I cannot conquer this battle alone.  

I do not flourish in isolation.

Today, this "Thanksgiving Eve," I'm giving thanks to God for the blessing I have of friends.

Friends that do not let me "be."  Women (and men) that are not willing to see me wallow, to drop off the edge.

People that constantly call me to something deeper, higher, more noble.

They see value in me when I can't see it in myself.

They know that God has more for me than what I've been willing to settle for.

Do I still have fears?  Um, am I still breathing?  Of course I still have fears!  

But I am seeking to break free of those chains that fear has on me, to knock down the door to this prison cell of "safety" and find out what's outside.

Thank you, my faithful friends that do life with me!

"I thank my God every time I remember you."

Phillipians 1:3 (NIV)

Coming Out of the Darkness

It's been 7 months since my Dad passed.

And I'm not the same.  I'm not even sure that I ever will be.

There have been so many challenges, so much "stuff" to go through, both physically and emotionally.

I've gained weight.  A LOT of weight.  Like 18 pounds in 7 months.

I have eaten to numb pain, to mask anger, to find peace.

I've been to the doctor and been prescribed anti-depressants.  I took them, and then quit.

The diagnosis of "Binge Eating Disorder" (or B.E.D. as it's called in the medical world) has been given.  Along with medication to start helping, and an appointment made with a psychiatrist to come on November 30th. (More about the disorder/meds/doctor later)

So, lots has gone on.

But through all these things, I've had ONE constant desire: I want to be whole!  I want to feel like "me" again!

And so I sit here and start to put it all down on the screen for the world to see as a first step in that process of beginning again.

And that's what I'm doing; beginning.  Again.  Today.