I've had lots of people ask me, "How are you doing? Where are you at in your weight loss journey?" So I thought today might be a good day to bring everyone up to speed.
To update my last post (before the picture story of my son), it's now been 131 days since I've walked through the doors of my 2 former hangouts.
But walking through the doors is just a formality. In my heart, I desire to return.
I find myself in some dark, uncharted territory.
I am struggling. Vacillating. I always seem to be somewhere between desiring to do what God wants me to do, and driving around and around the McDonald's parking lot.
Our church is currently studying through the book of I Samuel and we're in the chapters where Saul is becoming impatient of waiting on God. And I am SO DEEPLY identifying with Saul! And I HATE that! I want to be the "man after God's own heart," the one that is constantly searching and running after God, who despises their sin and hates anything that God hates.
But I'm not that person.
I'm lazy.
I am rebellious.
I love quick fixes and fast food and easy answers.
I think I have the answers, that "I can handle it."
It's so easy to raise my hands on Sunday morning, to cry tears and confess sin and pray prayers of repentance.
But then it's Monday, and the house is a wreck, it's time to go grocery shopping, and everyone's rushing to meet the demands of the outside world and I find myself turning to the wrong things to meet the needs that arise within me.
Or using the excuse that "I'm exhausted from the weekend" to stay in bed and not go to the gym.
I've allowed the first anniversary of my father's death and memorial service to overwhelm my thoughts and though I've TRIED and striven to keep control of where those thoughts take me, I have found myself being drawn into places of darkness again.
Honestly, I'm scared right now of the place I'm in. I don't like it. I want to get out. I feel lonely and weak...so very, very weak.
I know that it's a season. This will not last forever. It could be hormonal or physical or emotional issues at play.
But for now, today, it's where I am.
There are a few things that I'm going to do to try to help myself; I'm going to get dressed. I'm going to leave the house and get out in the sunshine. And I'm going to meet a friend and have some adult conversation over a yummy lunch.
If you're reading this, and you know that prayer works, I do ask for you to pray for me this week. I need it.
I want to get back on top. To find my will power. To be in close communion with God. To desire to care for my health. To count the reasons that I SHOULD care for myself.
Can you remind me? Not just platitudes and canned answers. Be firm with me. Be in my face. Help me lift up my arms. Because today, I have no strength.
