Today is the last day of 2015.
It's been a tough, rough year.
I've risen up to some BIG challenges. And I've fallen. And gotten up. And fallen down again.
I've said good-bye to my father. Rather unexpectedly. And it was hard.
And now I find myself having to say good-bye to another "friend," after my first visit to a psychiatrist on Wednesday morning.
The story goes that, a few months ago, my primary doctor suspected that I had Binge Eating Disorder, based on my answers to some questions she asked me. She prescribed medication (which helped with some things, but which I'm no longer taking) and suggested I see the psychiatrist.
I sat in his office and he asked a myriad of questions about family history, any past abuse, social, sexual, psychological information...really deep, invasive stuff! And his conclusion was that I actually do NOT have the eating disorder! Rather, I am merely exhibiting a symptom of something larger that we need to get to the bottom of. And here's where the "good-bye" comes in.
He has challenged me to walk away, say good-bye to, to leave fast food forever! Well, he said he'd like to see my leave it forever, but at least until I see him again on February 4th.
Wow.
This has me wrestling. Mainly because I am also seeing a Biblical counselor and he brought in the Godly perspective of the fact that I need to seek the Lord and ask Him about it. But what he didn't know is that the Lord had already been dealing with me about this very issue since a sermon our pastor preached on December 20th really convicted me! (Isn't God amazing how He works things out like that?)
And sitting in the counselor's office, I said, "He's asking me to say good-bye to an old friend!" And his reply struck me, "But is this friend really a friend? Because it's killing you, and that's more like an enemy."
Ouch.
It's so much like a drug! It really is. And as I'm sifting through my heart, I keep getting these words:
Deception, deceit, secrecy, habit, pattern, theft; all words that I've heard used with addicts.
My mind has been so TAKEN OVER by this addiction to food, and not just "food" in general, but fast food in particular. I have, in the last 8 months, become a McDonald's and Taco Bell junkie. Really, any place with a drive-thru where I could get it and eat it in private, toss the wrappers, hide the "stuff." Sometimes I was doing that twice a day.
And now I'm being challenged to give it up.
Can I just say, this is hard!
My husband says, "It's killing you, why are you struggling to let go? You should be RUNNING away!" And he is right. I should be.
But,you know what? The food isn't what I crave. So what is it?
I. Don't. Know.
That's the hardest part, and that's where I'm stuck. I don't KNOW what I "get" from eating that food. And so, this is where I'm at...
I'm accepting the challenge (along with a couple of other things he's asked me to do, which I'll blog about later), and I'm going to be taking the next 2 weeks (until I see the Biblical counselor again) to really go deep inside my heart and ask the Lord to show me what I'm trying to "get" out of the food that I think I need.
So as this year comes to a close, and a brand new one dawns in the morning, I'm going into it with questions, with some fear, and I'm asking the Lord to grow my faith and to help me to trust Him with whatever He has planned.
