Good-Bye, old friend....

Today is the last day of 2015.

It's been a tough, rough year.

I've risen up to some BIG challenges.  And I've fallen.  And gotten up.  And fallen down again.

I've said good-bye to my father.  Rather unexpectedly.  And it was hard.

And now I find myself having to say good-bye to another "friend," after my first visit to a psychiatrist on Wednesday morning.

The story goes that, a few months ago, my primary doctor suspected that I had Binge Eating Disorder, based on my answers to some questions she asked me.  She prescribed medication (which helped with some things, but which I'm no longer taking) and suggested I see the psychiatrist.

I sat in his office and he asked a myriad of questions about family history, any past abuse, social, sexual, psychological information...really deep, invasive stuff!  And his conclusion was that I actually do NOT have the eating disorder!  Rather, I am merely exhibiting a symptom of something larger that we need to get to the bottom of.  And here's where the "good-bye" comes in.

He has challenged me to walk away, say good-bye to, to leave fast food forever!  Well, he said he'd like to see my leave it forever, but at least until I see him again on February 4th.

Wow.

This has me wrestling.  Mainly because I am also seeing a Biblical counselor and he brought in the Godly perspective of the fact that I need to seek the Lord and ask Him about it.  But what he didn't know is that the Lord had already been dealing with me about this very issue since a sermon our pastor preached on December 20th really convicted me!  (Isn't God amazing how He works things out like that?)

And sitting in the counselor's office, I said, "He's asking me to say good-bye to an old friend!"  And his reply struck me, "But is this friend really a friend?  Because it's killing you, and that's more like an enemy."

Ouch.

It's so much like a drug!  It really is.  And as I'm sifting through my heart, I keep getting these words:

Deception, deceit, secrecy, habit, pattern, theft; all words that I've heard used with addicts.

My mind has been so TAKEN OVER by this addiction to food, and not just "food" in general, but fast food in particular.  I have, in the last 8 months, become a McDonald's and Taco Bell junkie.  Really, any place with a drive-thru where I could get it and eat it in private, toss the wrappers, hide the "stuff."  Sometimes I was doing that twice a day.

And now I'm being challenged to give it up.

Can I just say, this is hard!

My husband says, "It's killing you, why are you struggling to let go?  You should be RUNNING away!"  And he is right.  I should be.

But,you know what?   The food isn't what I crave.  So what is it?

I. Don't. Know.

That's the hardest part, and that's where I'm stuck.  I don't KNOW what I "get" from eating that food.  And so, this is where I'm at...

I'm accepting the challenge (along with a couple of other things he's asked me to do, which I'll blog about later), and I'm going to be taking the next 2 weeks (until I see the Biblical counselor again) to really go deep inside my heart and ask the Lord to show me what I'm trying to "get" out of the food that I think I need.

So as this year comes to a close, and a brand new one dawns in the morning, I'm going into it with questions, with some fear, and I'm asking the Lord to grow my faith and to help me to trust Him with whatever He has planned.

Conquering Fear

I've been thinking a LOT about fear; what kind of role has it played in my life, about how long it's been one of my constant companions, etc.

And while thinking through that and tracing it back over a lifetime, I've also come across some rather interesting times when fear has been CONQUERED!  

Like the time I had such a strong desire to learn to play tennis, and I meekly put the word out, and my friend Dawn was so excited to give me a lesson:

Or how much I have secretly wanted to be a runner, but thought that I was too fat to do that.  But my friend Elizabeth believed in me and encouraged me to participate in the Couch-to-5K program and then to actually run a 5K race with some other homeschool moms from our community group:

And then there's the time that I attempted to conquer my fear of heights, and I actually rapelled from the side of a mountain at a women's retreat, while all my friends were cheering me on from down below:

I live very close to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, and yet I had never been hiking because I'm afraid of bears!  But my friend Sharon encouraged me and my son to come along with her, and I did.  And I didn't die:

And most recently, the fear that I've had of going out into the ocean...I'd never been on a beach trip, never gotten in the ocean past my ankles.  And I really, really LONGED to experience that feeling.  Enter my adventurous friend Kathy, who dragged me out there and showed me how to jump waves and let go and have fun:

Are you picking up on the common theme here?  Have you seen the ONE thing that each of these experiences have in common?

FRIEND.  

That's the word.  

I'm learning, albeit slowly, that I need people.

I cannot conquer this battle alone.  

I do not flourish in isolation.

Today, this "Thanksgiving Eve," I'm giving thanks to God for the blessing I have of friends.

Friends that do not let me "be."  Women (and men) that are not willing to see me wallow, to drop off the edge.

People that constantly call me to something deeper, higher, more noble.

They see value in me when I can't see it in myself.

They know that God has more for me than what I've been willing to settle for.

Do I still have fears?  Um, am I still breathing?  Of course I still have fears!  

But I am seeking to break free of those chains that fear has on me, to knock down the door to this prison cell of "safety" and find out what's outside.

Thank you, my faithful friends that do life with me!

"I thank my God every time I remember you."

Phillipians 1:3 (NIV)

Coming Out of the Darkness

It's been 7 months since my Dad passed.

And I'm not the same.  I'm not even sure that I ever will be.

There have been so many challenges, so much "stuff" to go through, both physically and emotionally.

I've gained weight.  A LOT of weight.  Like 18 pounds in 7 months.

I have eaten to numb pain, to mask anger, to find peace.

I've been to the doctor and been prescribed anti-depressants.  I took them, and then quit.

The diagnosis of "Binge Eating Disorder" (or B.E.D. as it's called in the medical world) has been given.  Along with medication to start helping, and an appointment made with a psychiatrist to come on November 30th. (More about the disorder/meds/doctor later)

So, lots has gone on.

But through all these things, I've had ONE constant desire: I want to be whole!  I want to feel like "me" again!

And so I sit here and start to put it all down on the screen for the world to see as a first step in that process of beginning again.

And that's what I'm doing; beginning.  Again.  Today.

Summer Travel Challenges

We are planning a trip to Indiana later this week, and while I'm excited to see some family and friends that I haven't seen in about 3 years, I'm also a little nervous about the eating part of the whole thing.

I know that I can make "decent" choices while we travel up and back...it's just a matter of finding the right symbols on the exit signs. :)

The problem comes when we arrive at our destination.  We're going to a church camp, which means eating in a cafeteria, which boils down to CARB CITY! :)  You know, mashed potatoes, noodles, dumplings, biscuits & gravy, fried this and fried that!  Not to mention the snack shop that is filled with ice cream bars, candy, nachos, and the like!

I will not have access to a refrigerator, but we will have a small cooler with us.  I need your suggestions on how to stay on track while I'm there.  Remember that I'm needing to keep my carb intake to a minimum (60 grams or less), and I won't be able to take things that need to be frozen or kept really cold.

I can't wait to hear your suggestions!

5 Days, 5 Pounds

Nothing major to blog about today, just trying to get back into the habit of posting.

I began "again" on Monday, failed miserably, and began "again" on Tuesday.

And here it is, Friday afternoon, and it's been a fairly good week.

When you have been eating a lot of sugar, drinking lots of carbonated sugary drinks, taking in massive amounts of carbs, the first bit of weight comes off pretty easily.

So when I say that I'm down 5 pounds, I understand that isn't going to be the "norm."  Trust me; I've been on enough diets to know that losing 4,5,10 pounds a week is NOT sustainable!

But it's 5 pounds; that's HALF of the 10 that I've put on since my Dad passed away in April.

Has it been easy to get back into the groove?  No.

But here are a few things that have helped:

1.  Getting rid of the Cokes from in the house.  I can't even have diet drinks around here.  I'm just too crazy.

2.  Staying home more.  I find if I run into town too often (I live in a rural community; some would say "the boonies!), I get into trouble because that's where ALL the major fast food restaurants are!

3.  Getting back to planning and pre-packaging my food.

4.  Exercising; I reactivated my gym membership this week.

5.  Drinking more water.  I cannot stress how important this is to my body, personally.

So, that's my top 5 changes that have been made around here this week.  And the results show up on the scale.

However, I'm not ruled by that scale.  Even if I never step foot on it another day, I can still know that I'm having results just by the way I feel, by my overall attitude, and by my increase in energy levels. My sleep is better at night, I'm not fighting the urge to nap in the afternoon, and my depression is WAY down to what it had been!

So, here's to healthy changes!  And now I'm off to swim with my friends! :)

Happy Weekend!

Fighting Against Freedom

Today's sermon was so poignant for me..."Without the Shedding of Blood" was the title, based on the verses from Hebrews 9:15-22.

The final worship song was this one.  As we were standing there singing, I was given a vision of what's been going on in my life.

Every sin, EVERY SINGLE sin, was nailed to the cross of Christ.  Even my sin of overeating.  Christ's death on the cross secured the victory for me over this sin.  I have been given freedom, been set FREE from every piece of bondage that this sin would have over me. 

But I don't live like it.

I had the vision of being at the cross, climbing up a ladder with a pry bar, determined to remove my sin from the cross.  I'm covered in the blood of Christ that is flowing down from His body hanging on the Cross, which ironically gives me life, but I'm only bent on taking that sin down and continuing to carry it with me.

I have written about being scared of freedom before, in November.

And so I continue to live in fear; to have the audacity to say that the cross was not enough.  Christ's death and resurrection gave me everything, EVERTHING I need to live and walk in victory.  Yet I continue to refuse to believe it.

Why do we do this?  Why do I do this?  I haven't fully figured it out, but I do know that this is the "soft underbelly" of my life.  And the enemy knows this, and uses it to sidetrack me, to distract me, to trip me up, and keep me feeling down and discouraged and reverting back to old habits.

I don't want to live like this anymore. 

It isn't living. 

It's death; slow, painful, and unnecessary for a child of God.

Tears flowed. 

I repented.

Again.

And I am determined to seek the help of the Holy Spirit to make this change in my life.  To live like I have been set free! 


Life is offered.  Freedom has been granted.  Sin has been conquered.  And my victory is just waiting for me to step out and receive it.

Clawing my way out....

It's been 2.5 months since my last post, and even as I sit on the couch typing this, my heart is racing and I have anxious feelings inside.

I love the "Anne of Green Gables" movies, and the best way to describe how I feel is a quote from Anne Shirley...I've fallen into "the depths of despair."

Really; I haven't known as much darkness as I've faced over the last 2 months.  Sometimes you think that when you bury someone, all the "stuff" that went along with relationship to the person is buried as well.  But it's not.

I feel like so many, many things just surfaced after my Dad's death.  Things I either didn't want to deal with or had no idea were there.

My sleep is attacked with horrible nightmares and disturbing dreams.  Many nights I'm awakened by my own sobs as I struggle out of the scary places in those dreams.

My precious husband is beside himself to know what else to do for me, as he prays over me, checks on me to the point of driving me crazy.

And so today, on the first day of a new month, I'm climbing, clawing my way out of this dark tunnel.  I climbed onto the scales this morning and find that awful number of 249...that's 10 pounds that have found their way back onto my body.

I have found myself sabotaging like NEVER before.  Thoughts of being undeserving to live, not being worth taking care of, what's the point to try to be healthy?, all these things have taken over my brain and my body.

And honestly, I don't even feel strong enough to jump back into the "health game" today, but I know I have to start somewhere.

So, I post today, and ask, unashamedly, for your prayers, for your support, for your encouragement.  I MUST do this to save my own life.  Christ calls me to.

Dear Dad...

Yesterday I got the call that you missed your dialysis appointment, and you're NEVER late for that.  Somehow in my heart, I knew it wasn't going to be good.

I left work and on the way to your house I told the Lord, "I don't know what I'm about to face, but I WILL TRUST YOU."

 I have to.  There's no other way to get through this hurt without believing that God is sovereign.

The police officers met me in the driveway.  They were kind.  And gentle.  And they held me up as I cried. 

Your friends came and said they were so shocked.  They had just seen you at church.  They had just brought food to your house.

The ambulance came to take you away and I asked if I could please see you before they moved your body.  I had to know.

And there you were, lying back on the bed like I'd seen you do so many times before, the fingertips of your right hand on the button snaps of your western shirt; your left elbow resting on the bed, making your left hand up in the air, index finger almost pointing.  Your glasses on and cell phone in your pocket, fully dressed and ready to go somewhere...but I don't think you knew you were dressing for a trip to Heaven.

It gives me peace in my heart to know you went to sleep, took a little nap, and woke up to see sights that I only dream about. 

I'm so curious, and a little bit jealous, to know what you're seeing, who you're talking to. 

While you were in the hospital last month, I found myself praying that the Lord would just take you home.  You were SO very sick, and it was scaring me how depressed you were getting.  I knew you were tired and that you were really just longing for peace and health.

But I didn't expect it to be like this.

I didn't know it would hurt so much.

I thought I was ready to let you go and be happy for you.

But I'm crying. 

I'm trying to remember that you are with the One that you lived for and loved, the One you wrote about and taught us about.  And that comforts me.

But it's still painful.

However, I don't want you back.  No, you are the blessed one. 

In the secret place of my childhood memories, you are always 30 years old, tall and handsome, with a strong body, firm hands, and thick black hair.

Is that what you look like now?  I think so.  Grandma Lance will be able to recognize you looking like that!

I'm thankful for the 46 years I had with you.  They were stormy and rocky, joyful and blessed, stressful and hard, filled with learning and growing for both of us.  Our relationship wasn't "text-book" by any means.  We were far too much alike to have anything "normal!" 

But you loved me.

And I loved you.

What else could we have asked for?

I am trusting in the God of all grace to one day redeem every broken place in our hearts and our relationship.  And I believe His word that says there will come a day when there will be no more weeping, "He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces," Isaiah 25:8.

And so today, as I reflect in the midst of chaos and phone calls, questions and paperwork, I asked the Lord for a verse to hang onto, and this is the one that gives me hope; a vision of you, my handsome Daddy, rejoicing in Zion today with Jesus and your loved ones:
Isaiah 35:10 says, "And the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away."

Good-bye for now, Dad.

I love you.

"Come away with me, my Love"

I have been needing to get away by myself and spend some time alone with the Lord, and so last week I asked my husband if he could give me a night at a little retreat cabin as a gift for our anniversary.  Now, typically that doesn't sound like the best thing to do as married people, spend your anniversary weekend apart from each other.  But he knows how desperate I had become and how much I needed it, and he readily agreed! 

 

So, on Friday evening, I arrived at this sweet little cottage,

 

 

and poured out my heart to the Lord and spent time in His word, as well as lots of great books filled with truth that I needed to read, and worshiped with great music.  The bed looked like this,

 

I had purposely taken no food with me because I knew that I needed to separate myself from that very powerful idol in my life.  So for 22 hours I fasted and prayed and spent time on my face before Him. 

 

This photo really represents what I found out from God...

 

His WORD is my food!  HE is my BREAD of LIFE!  Feasting on HIM, drinking from the fountain of truth...these are what I need for my life!  He sustains me!  A BIG thank you to my friend, Kathy, who encouraged me to meditate on John 6, because it was out of that passage that this picture came to be. 

 

I cannot continue to go to the fridge to find satisfaction for my soul's needs!  There is nothing there to give me nourishment.  I MUST eat the meat of the HOLY WORD, meditate on Him and all that He is, make Him my first waking thought, and continue to submit my heart AND my fork to him (I think I've used that term in a blog post before, but it's good to say it again!).

 

When I had to leave, I was able to drive through the national park and capture so much of God's beauty.  His presence stayed with me as we "toured" together! 

 

Here are a few shots from my little getaway with Jesus...

 



 

And so I start this new week with fresh wind, with a renewed mind, with a few bruises in my heart from the "surgery" that He performed while showing me some darkened places...but so ready to see where this journey is going to take me! 

 

I know that He has great plans for me, plans to give me a hope and a future...and I know He has the same for YOU!  I never EVER want anyone that reads this blog to feel like I've got it all together or that you are alone.  You are NOT!  I am a broken human with many faults.  But I have a GREAT HIGH PRIEST that is interceding for me...and He's interceding for YOU, too!

 

So, let's do this TOGETHER!



I've Misplaced My Anger

Today is "Good Friday," the day that the whole Christian world stops and remembers the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross of Calvary.  And that's what I'm doing...thinking about the sacrifice that Christ made for ME that day, and what am I doing with it?  How am I living out of that sacrifice?

Honestly?  I'm not living.  Well, I'm living, but not living well.  I've been living in ANGER for 2 months, and it's gotten me NO WHERE.

Last Sunday over lunch, I finally put a connection together that my husband said he had NEVER heard me make in 28 years of us being together.  And it was about my addiction to sugar.

So, here it is...the deep-down, go-to-the-bottom-of-my-heart truth:  Sugar is my DRUG!  That 'connection' I mentioned?  It is this:  I use sugar to alter my mood/mind.  I have to have sugar to deal with stressful situations because I can't face them in my "normal" state.

Isn't that what drugs and alcohol are?  People use them to escape reality, to enhance or change their mood, to influence their situation.

That's me and sugar. 

And as God has revealed that to me while I was cramming SIX Snickers Fun Size bars down my throat while on the way to the hospital one day, I became angry.  But it was misplaced anger.

I am not angry that I am sinning like this.

I'm not angry at the situation I'm in because of my out of control eating.

It doesn't make me angry that I've allowed this "thing" to be in charge of my life.

What makes me angry is that God is asking me to stop!

He is asking me to GIVE UP SUGAR, to walk away from all things processed and refined.

And I'm mad, not AT MY SIN, but at the fact that I'm NOT ALLOWED to continue in my sin.

Isn't that sick?  As a Christian woman who is looking at the sacrifice made on the cross for ME, I am still choosing to divert my eyes and walk away?!

He gave His LIFE!  And I can't give Him SUGAR?

I know that God has made me for more than this way I've been living, and I know that there is NO victory over this thing without the power of Christ and the indwelling Holy Spirit.

So, tonight I will be attending the Good Friday service at church.  And I'll be focusing on the sacrifice He made for me.  And I will take the bread as His body broken for me, and drink the wine of His blood shed for me.

And I will submit myself to HIS WILL; I will continue to use these last 2 days of this week to get my affairs in order to walk out the path He is outlining for me; and I will rejoice that I do not have to do this alone.

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you" (Romans 8:11)

Looking Into a Crystal Ball

It's been 10 days since my birthday...10 days of feeling like Marty McFly and I've just returned from the future!

If you follow me on Facebook then you already know that I've been dealing with my father and his health crisis.  And I've done a post about my feelings on that whole thing in recent days.  But I wanted to update you on how it's all be affecting me.

Changing the way you eat is never easy.  I mean, really; you not only have to UN-learn all the things that you know, and then RE-learn all this new stuff. 
And you need to be organized.
And you have to be prepared for anything.
Plus you have to remember to eat 6 times a day.

Toss all that out the window when you start dealing with an aging parent that is making hospital visits, going into (and back out of) a rehab facility, multiple doctor's appointments, numerous phone calls...
Not to mention that I still have a family that needs taken care of.
AND did I tell you that I'm supposed to be homeschooling my 10th grader?!

Can I just sum this all up and spell it out for you?  D-R-I-V-E     T-H-R-U    W-I-N-D-O-W

Yeah, that's about the long and short of it for the last 10 days.

But that brings me to another point that I really wanted to talk about...this "looking into the crystal ball of my future" idea.

As I have been sitting in my Dad's hospital room, or in his nursing home room, or with him at the table in the nursing home dining room, and seeing him decline in health, yet continue to ask me to bring him pizza or hamburgers, or cake (all the wrong things), I couldn't help but feel like I'm looking into a mirror of what I can expect to look like in 20 years...IF things don't turn around.

It's serious, people.  I can sit and say, "Oh, it's just awful that he doesn't care and wants to keep eating all the wrong things and look where it's gotten him," but then on the way home, I drive through the McDonald's and get fries and a milkshake.  Or stop at the convenience store and get a candy bar and hide the wrapper from my husband.  Or order a pizza because I'm just too tired to cook.

And the sin that I'm committing is different HOW?  I'm continuing to choose to NOT take care of my body, yet I'm condemning my Dad for making wrong choices from his hospital bed?  Can we talk about splinters and beams?! :)

And so I, once again, go back to the Lord with my sinful, REBELLIOUS heart!  And I ask Him, once again, to forgive me, and CHANGE me!

And I, once again, repent and recommit to living a healthy life, of resisting the temptation to turn to FOOD for my source of comfort, when I know that is idolatry.

Because I don't want to be the 66 year old laying in a hospital bed, surrounded by family, and making them have to think about a future without me WAY TOO SOON!  But I WILL BE that person if I don't do something NOW.

There's still time. 

Happy Birthday to Me!

 

I had set a goal for myself to be in the 220's by my birthday today.  I didn't make it.  I'm still the same weight as I was one month ago.  But I've learned a LOT about myself in that amount of time.

 

1.  I am a stress eater.  This doesn't come as a huge surprise.  But it has become even MORE apparent in this time that I've been walking through some health issues with my father.

 

2.  I HAVE to be organized, or my whole world falls apart.  It's a fact that I cannot function by the seat of my pants, as much as I would LIKE to...it just doesn't work.

 

3.  Eating the wrong things for the wrong reasons gives me the wrong results!  I cannot, for the life of me, understand why I think that pizza will taste good because it's already made and quick to pick up on the way home. " It does not satisfy.  Ever.  Try to remember that!"  And I am always frustrated when I get on the scales the next morning and they show a gain.  Go figure!  I should've known it would happen.

 

But this is a new year.  And another opportunity to learn NEW lessons and make NEW choices that will take me down a different path that leads to the places I want to go.  Like good health.  Better blood work results.  Smaller clothing sizes.  More room on the couch.  Less use of pain killers.

 

So, while I may not have hit those numbers today, I'm still treading the path towards them, still working out, still doing my best to make the right choices.

 

Do I get it right every time?  NO.  In fact, I don't get it right MOST of the time.  But I'm striving.  I haven't given up.  And the GIFT of perseverance is a GREAT birthday present to myself!

A Few of My Favorite Things

Totally changing the way we eat requires just a little bit of an adventure into new isles in the grocery store, new products to try, different cooking methods, and an assortment of trials and errors.

 

So I thought I'd show you a few of the things that I've grown to love, things I MUST have on hand, things I just don't think I could live without!

 

Up first...

 

This is my water glass!  I take it everywhere.  It's like an extension of my arm these days. I actually own 2 of them exactly alike!  It's a 24 oz. Tervis and I do my best to fill it up a minimum of 4 times a day.  My daily goal is to have the second refill finished by lunchtime.  Yes.  I go to the bathroom A LOT! :)

 

 

I absolutely LOVE these tortillas!  They're the best low carb ones I've found, and believe me, I've tried about 8 different brands!  They're soft, they wrap without splitting, and they have an incredible taste!  I get them at Wal Mart in the bread section.

 

 

These pitas are GREAT...at only 4 net carbs for the WHOLE thing, it really makes you  feel great to have something to put your "stuff" in.  I typically cut them in half, which gives me less carbs, and makes them last longer. I take them with me when we go out to eat burgers and order the "low carb" version.  I even have converted my husband into taking them in his lunch instead of bread!  They are also thick enough to use for pizza crust.  I buy them at Wal Mart in the deli section.

 

 

Ok, what's not to love about chocolate and peanut butter?  Huh?!  These things are super-handy to toss into your purse, your gym bag, whatever, and you've got an instant back up plan if you get caught out past your meal time.  They have 10 g. of protein and only 9 net carbs.  You can buy them at the grocery store, but BE SURE they say "Protein" on the box and not just your average granola bar.  I got this big box at Sam's Club yesterday.  They also sell these at Costco.

 

 

Nuts!!!  We're NUTS about NUTS at this house!!!  Almonds and pistachios are our favorites, but we really haven't met a nut we don't enjoy.  The cocoa dusted almonds are one of my favorite things when I need that little "something" after a meal, or have a craving for chocolate but don't want to totally blow the "plan."  I also always keep a little solo 2 oz. serving cup of almonds in my purse.  The salt and pepper pistachios are from Costco, the other 2 we got at Sam's club.  Typically I buy them at Aldi's, but we happened to see these yesterday when we were in Knoxville.  You can NEVER have too many nuts...but that's just my opinion! ;)

 

 

My new friend.  I love the way it smells, I love the health benefits it offers, I love that if I get some on my hands I can just rub them together and not try to wash it off!  It's awesome.

 

 

Sometimes, when I'm drinking all that water, I get tired of just the plain water.  So I'll add a little bit of this in for a special treat.  It DOES have carbs, though, so I have to be sure to save room for this. 

 

 

I am in LOVE with these little things.  Now, typically I'm not a tomato lover unless it's a homegrown tomato on a sandwich of white bread and mayo!  But these.  Oh goodness, these things are so awesome.  Got them at Costco. 

 

 

Now, ideally, I need to be eating "grass fed" beef, but when I can't afford it or can't find it, this is my go-to hamburger.  Organic does NOT mean grass fed.  But it is better than the other stuff you'd pick up, full of yucky unknowns.  Costco sells this.

 

 

This salad!!!  People!  It's amazing!  It says 7 Superfoods, but I leave out the dried cranberries and pumpkin seeds and add in those cherry tomatoes that I love and a few almonds. :)  It tastes so good, and there's just something special about knowing that this GOOD tasting salad is also SO GOOD for me!  I got it at Costco, and I wish I'd gotten 2 bags of it!

 

 

I love having this kind of salad mix around.  It is pre-washed, it isn't just spinach so it has a great flavor, and it's so convenient for us to just grab and toss a salad together. 

 

 

So, there you have it!!!  A photo blog of some of the favorites at this house!  Let me know what your favorite things are. :)  I'm always up to trying something at LEAST once.

 

 

 

 

New Month - New Mercies

Yesterday was the first day of a new month and a new week, and I am ever-so-glad to see it come.  These past 2 weeks have brought all kinds of crazy, nasty weather, cold temperatures, bad roads, caused us to be homebound, and my husband had only worked 2 days out the last 14!

 

Which meant the money for groceries just wasn't there; so we ate out of the deep freeze and the emergency overstock in the basement pantry.  Not a lot of fresh fruit and veggies there.

 

I was up on the scales, and down on myself.

 

So yesterday was a day of recommitment for me.  On Saturday, I "borrowed" money from another envelope to go to the grocery store, since we had a forecast that promised some working weather!  And I got all the things I needed to get back on this low carb eating.

 

It's amazing how quickly the weight can come back ON, and yet is so reluctant to leave!  Quite frustrating, actually.

 

But it has to be done.  I do not like the way I was feeling over the last 2 weeks.  The lack of energy was unbelievable.  And my joints popped and cracked like a bag of fireworks!

 

My gym membership has also expired, and with no part-time job like I had last year to pay for it, I had to get creative.  So, while we were snowed in, we made a little workout station at the house, with the treadmill as the center piece, and all my little kettle bell weights and stability ball, yoga mat, and a few other things. 

I also moved my motivation board out of my bedroom and into my little home gym. 

It's what I see when I'm up on the treadmill.

I tried it out on Friday, and I think it's going to work just fine for me to do the exercising at home!  Which will save me a monthly fee and the cost of fuel.

 

Now the real issue is going to be "Will I USE it?"  It's just CRAZY how easily I become distracted and put off exercising, but I am pleading with the Lord to give me a drive to commit to this!  It can ONLY come from him, because I've already blogged about how much I hate to exercise!

 

And that's why I'm thankful for His mercies...they are NEW EVERY MORNING.  Which works out great for me, because I have to renew my commitment to this healthy lifestyle EVERY MORNING!

An Ounce of Prevention...

Today, on this frigid February day, I'm sitting in the surgery waiting room for the second time in 2 weeks, waiting on my father as he has another minor operation.  Today it's plastic surgery to deal with a very large hole that is on the bottom of his foot.

This particular "injury" began nearly 2 years ago and is the result of diabetes.  The bones in his feet have softened and had actually broken and come THROUGH the bottom of his foot, but he didn't realize it because he has almost no feeling in his feet and legs, due to nerve damage from the diabetes.

All of this to say that it COULD have been avoided, had he only taken his health seriously nearly 30 years ago when he was first told he was PRE-diabetic.

Where have I heard those words "pre-diabetic" before?  Oh yeah, just this past October, from my nutritionist.

Which brings me to TODAY when I'm struggling with mixed feelings about this WHOLE ordeal, both my father's AND mine!

I don't want to be the patient, lying on the surgery table; scheduling multiple doctor's appointments; remembering to take 23 prescriptions every day; going for dialysis 3x's a week.

I don't want to get to age 66 and not be able to stay awake through a conversation or go out of town to see my grandkids.

And just when I'm ready to give up and say, "Screw this stupid way of eating...give me some chips and chocolate!" I remember this feeling I'm having right now, which is FRUSTRATION!

The myriad of "If only's" come flooding into my mind. 

The questions of "Why didn't he?" play over and over in my mind.

And I don't want to have to look at my husband and sons and say, "You weren't worth it to me." 

Now, my father has NEVER said that to me or my brother, but his actions say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

So, my prayer today is that God would bring healing to my father's foot, and that he will not lose it.

And my prayer for myself is to surrender my heart to the Lord again.  Which is a DAILY process. 

Because that "ounce of prevention is WORTH a POUND of cure!"

My Healthy Valentine

Holidays are challenging, and even a "small" holiday like Valentine's Day can be a killer to the eating plan...if you let it.

 

This particular holiday seems to be centered around candy, especially chocolate. 

Which I'm in LOVE with!!!

 

I wanted to take the time to make this day special, but I also didn't want to sabotage myself from meeting that birthday goal I talked about yesterday, so here's what our celebration dinner looked like:

 

I baked some 4 oz. salmon fillets, sautéed some frozen green beans, steamed and mashed cauliflower into mock mashed potatoes, added a cucumber to bagged salad, and splurged with ONE King's Hawaiian roll with no butter.  My tarter sauce I made with Hellman's Balsamic Mayo and relish that is sweetened with Splenda.

 

Now, for dessert I made these for myself...but I was willing to share with everyone! 

 

 

I melted my Ghirardelli 60% Cacao bittersweet chocolate chips with a small spoonful of coconut oil in the microwave and then dipped my strawberries in there and put them in the fridge until we were ready for dessert.  So very yummy!  I had 3 of them over the course of the evening.

 

And so, we enjoyed each other's company, had a very relaxing dinner by candlelight; the guys even were willing to watch a "chick flick" with me after dinner!  And there was absolutely ZERO guilt in this holiday dinner.

 

Which left me with BIG smiles!!!

 

Setting Goals

Typically, I'm not a goal-oriented person.  If you talk to the one who knows me best, "he" would tell you that I'm more of a "last-minute-fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" kinda girl!  And he's right!

When company's coming, I usually wait until the day of their arrival, and then do what he calls "The Flight of the Bumblebee" type house cleaning!!!

Hey, it keeps life interesting.  :)

But in this journey of weight loss and health, I've found that setting goals is helpful.  Even if they're small.  Because, let's face it, looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing, after that one pound loss, you still have 99 pounds to go, is a little overwhelming!!!

So, now that I've reached into the 230's, and since today is ONE MONTH away from my birthday, I'm setting a small goal for myself of being at 229 on March 13th.

Kind of a birthday gift to myself.

So, is it possible for me to lose 10 pounds in one month?

I'm not sure, but I can tell you that I'm most definitely going to try!!!

Old Habits and Major Breakthroughs

Since I last blogged, I can honestly say it's been a TERIBBLE time in my weight loss journey.

I have learned that the old adage is true, "Old habits die hard!"

I am a stress eater...and the last couple of weeks have been filled to the brim with stress.  And hospitals.  And vending machines at that hospital.  And poor choices.

But guess what?!  I survived, relatively unscathed...maybe a little bit messed up from the Coke and the crackers, the stop at the drive-thru on the way home, but overall, I recovered.

And I've learned something about myself.

I am stronger than I think!

Which leads me to the second half of the blog title:  "Major Breakthroughs."

I've been struggling with my weight for just about my whole life; most definitely since I was 15 years old.  And trust me, that was a LONG time ago!

For approximately the last 10 years, I have lost and gained the same 15-20 pounds over and over.  Always I could get down to 240 pounds and I just couldn't go any lower than that.  In fact, it was 1997 when I took Phen-Fen and lost 40 pounds and got down to 200.  Then I got pregnant, gained 46 pounds and never lost it again!  So for many, many years I've been struggling to break through that window of the 240's into anything lower!

It always seemed like there was a wall, a definite barrier that satan himself had set up against me.  Seriously, I know it sounds stupid, but I mean it...the enemy of my soul also was the enemy of my body!  Every time I would come close, it seemed like something would hit me, and I would be stressed and eating and that number would escape me!  Constant sabotage of myself.  It was insane!

A few weeks ago, I was on a mission to reach 239 before I went to see my son graduate from Army Basic Training.  On the morning that we left, I was 240.2.  Yes, I was disappointed.  But I knew I was close.

And then the trip happened, which went great, as far as eating goes.  But there's something about travel that messes with your body.  And I saw the scales go up.

And then a stressful situation within the family, and I found myself off my eating plan and just plowing through the bag of chips.  And I saw the scales go up.

Enter that wonderful "time of the month" and I have an uncontrollable urge for chocolate.  And I saw the scales keep going up.

Needless to say, I was discouraged.  But thank God for Christian people that are walking me through this 8 week program at the doctor's office.  We spent some time in prayer together for us to all get back on track, and that was so helpful for me.

I decided right then and there that I needed to recommit myself, my heart, and my fork to the Lord and go back to the strict 14 day plan.  And it has been super-helpful!

Which brings me to this morning, to when I stepped on the scales and they said, "239.6!"  And I called my husband to come into the bathroom to verify what they said, just in case I wasn't reading them correctly! :)

And I feel like a HUGE victory has been won; a wall torn down; a barrier broken!!!!  Which gives me the confidence to keep pressing on, keep focused.  And reach the NEXT weight "bracket."

220's, HERE I COME!!!!

Dreaming....

Sometimes I find myself day dreaming, and lately my day dreams consist of those things that will be "possible" when I've lost weight.  Things that I've missed that other people take for granted.

 

Things like this:

I have NEVER weighed less than my husband.  He's never been able to pick me up and carry me around.  I've never been able to wear his shirts or had him offer me his jacket and be able to wear it.  And that is hard to live with. 

 

But I'm dreaming about the day that it will happen!

It bothers me that I have to shop in the plus size department.  And those styles aren't always cute.  More like clothes from a tent factory, a lot of times.  I want to shop in the "regular" department, to be able to choose from the cute stuff.  To put together outfits like these and be able to find something to wear in ANY store I walk into!

 

I'm working on it!

We don't go on vacation...at least not anything "planned" and saved for.  We make trips to see family up north, and that's about it.  One of the reasons I stay away from vacation spots like the beach is pretty self-explanatory, don't ya think?!  I don't have any desire for a "bikini body" but I do desire to be comfortable at the beach!  I dream about that.

 

And it will come!

Now, I understand that these are all MATERIAL things; things that are simplistic, surface stuff that shouldn't matter, but THEY DO, doggone it!  I'm being serious...when I'm watching a movie and a guy just comes in and sweeps a girl up in his arms, that HURTS!  I want it to happen to ME!

 

When I'm shopping with friends and they want to go to Old Navy or Rue 21 or Aeropostle, THAT HURTS!  I try not to let it.  I truly DO want to be happy for them and not make them feel bad for me...but I can't shop there. 

 

Other people are posting vacation pictures from the beach and they look great in a bathing suit and look so happy wearing shorts or cute skirts, holding their shoes in one hand and their husband's hand with the other, walking into the sunset...and it HURTS!  Because we've never done that!  I want that.

 

So, I will continue to dream.  And continue to pursue my dreams.  And ask for God's help in making them become reality for me. 

 

 

 

Super Bowl

It's Super Bowl week, a time my guys look forward to...and typically a night filled with friends, FOOD, and lots of fun.

But this year, I'm thinking about it a little differently.  And I'm warning you that THIS blog is going to get REALLY personal, super REAL, here in just a minute.

When you hear guys talking about the Super Bowl, the 2 teams that are playing against each other, their strengths and weaknesses, the PLAYERS always come up (of course!).  Have you ever heard a conversation like this at your house or workplace:

"Man, the ______'s have a real chance this year!  Their quarterback is on fire!  He's 6'2" and weighs 199 lbs."

"Well, I don't know, because the _______'s have an amazing front line.  That one guy is 6'6" and weighs 240 lbs.  He could crush the quarterback like a bug!"

Sound familiar?  Well, it does to me!  And when I hear those conversations, I really just want to shrink away.

Why?

Because I weigh more than those line backers!

No, seriously!  I've just finished researching it!

The Seattle Seahawks have 68 players on their roster listed with their heights and weights, and I went through the list and 34 of them weigh less than I do!  That's right, people...HALF of the Seahawks football team weighs LESS than me!

Now, granted, that number would have been higher a few months ago, but still can you understand the feeling it gives me when I hear people say, "Man, that guys is HUGE!  He must weigh like 235?!"

Know why that bothers me?  Because, as of this morning, I weigh 242.8  Yes, after our little trip to Georgia, I gained some.  Before we went, I was at 240.

So, there you have it...my numbers from the scale, out here on a world-wide blog for everyone to see!

But I have to do it.  I have to put it out there.  Because if I keep hiding it, I feel like it's going to choke me!  For far too long I have allowed the number to define me, to control me, to manipulate my day/week/life!

Does it make it any easier to hear guys talk about their favorite football linebacker and know that I outweigh him?  No.

But it does tear down a curtain of fear.  It allows me to say, "You know what?  Yes, I'm overweight.  I know it.  You know it.  But it's ok because I'm working on it.  And it doesn't really matter what the scale says.  What matters is how I feel inside."

Now, the HARD part is transferring that "knowledge" from my head to my heart and really believing it! 

But I'm working on it.

And "GO, HAWKS!" 

3 Months Makes a Difference

I don't know about you, but sometimes (most of the time) I have a hard time "seeing" my weight loss.  I always see myself WAY bigger than what I actually am; at least that's what my husband tells me.
But today, when I was going through my photos from our son's graduation from Army basic training, I went back to "Day 1" when we said good-bye to him on October 20th, and then looking at the photo of he and I from yesterday...I can finally see that I actually HAVE lost weight, that I DO look different.

So, I'm encouraging myself this morning to stay the course.  Especially after I got on the scales today and it showed a 5 POUND gain!  And I was so good!  Only had ONE meal that was "off plan" in celebration of his graduation.  Of course my husband gave me lots of words of encouragement, "don't get discouraged, it's probably water weight because we were in the van for over 750 miles, round trip, don't worry it will come off..."  Bless his heart! :)

Photos like these DO encourage me.  And I'll probably print them out and post them somewhere that I can see them on a regular basis, because I need a visual reminder that this IS working!

Weight Loss vs. Life Gain

Yesterday I read a blog post by Isabeau Miller talking about her struggles with weight, and she used this line of "weight loss vs. life gain."  It really struck me, and started me thinking about what has changed in my life since I really began fighting this battle?  I thought I'd share a few things that have happened around our house since October, when this all began:

• My husband is so attentive!  He has told me numerous times that it isn't the physical part of the weight loss that is important to him.  What he's attracted to is my confidence in who I am in Christ.  This point is so very important because before I just stumbled around doubting myself in so many areas, struggling to believe I had any worth.  But since I began this journey and began it with Christ as my focus and seeing my body as the Temple of the Holy Spirit, it has made all the difference in the world!

• I am much more alert.  Not just to details, but I actually feel like I'm seeing the world in a whole new light.  There is less "fog" in my vision...not literally, but I have so much more clarity.  There is a new sense of being present, if that makes sense.
• Financially, we're saving money by eating at home.  I used to be a "drive-thru Sue," as one of my friends called it! :)  There were weeks that we easily spent $50 collectively eating out, which is a ridiculous waste of money.  This change has benefited us because as we all know, eating healthy costs more money, but since we're "saving" by eating at home, we now have that money to put with the original grocery budget and it isn't hurting the pocketbook like I originally thought it would.

• My willpower has increased.  This is not of my own doing.  It has come directly from the help of the Lord, but each meal, each snack, each day that I get through without making the wrong choices puts that much more determination in my "tank" to keep making the correct decisions.  Last night my son asked if something was going to bother me if he purchased it and ate it in front of me and I said no.  His question was, "So, you've been without it for so long that you aren't even tempted by it?"  I'm not sure about "not even tempted," but I am finding out that the longer I've left carbs and sugar out of my body, the less cravings I have had for them.  But don't lock me into the local Krispy Kreme to see if I could last!  That might be too much.

So, those are just a few things, right off the top of my head, that I feel I have gained in my life from walking through this process.  It isn't over.  I'm in a constant battle that will never end.  There is NO "finish line" in this race, except the one that ends at my tombstone!  I have come to grips with the fact that this is something I will struggle with until my dying breath.  But I'm learning to embrace it; to revel in the concept that THIS is the struggle that God has chosen for me.  It's what it takes to keep me close to His side, to run to Him, to trust Him...this is OUR thing, me and God. 

And in THAT, there's LIFE GAIN!