Easier said than done

Today is Tuesday, 5 days AFTER Christmas...and I'm still not back on "the wagon."

I had plans to start the day after Christmas.

And then the next day.

Well, maybe after Sunday and I could get myself organized and make out my list and take stock of what I had and what I needed.

And here it is, Tuesday afternoon, and I'm still messing around, NOT prepared, NOT organized, really frustrated with myself for allowing it to have gone on this long without getting myself together.

Beating myself up.

That's what I've been doing.

Questioning and yelling at myself, "What is wrong with you?  You're so stupid!  You KNOW that every single stupid bite of food that you're putting into your mouth is like POISON, and you're still doing it?!  When are you ever going to learn?  You're killing yourself, you stupid, stupid woman!"

Yea, those are the exact things that I'm saying to myself.

Why do I talk like that to ME?  I would NEVER, EVER let anyone else talk to me like that! 

So why the loathing?  The yelling?  The hatred for myself?

Because I've gotten my eyes off of the Lord.  I've found myself desiring to "be in control," which is quite laughable because I'm TOTALLY out of control!

I'm wallowing in shame.  I have gotten away from taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and have been listening to lies, allowing my FEELINGS to trump the TRUTH.

There is an element of rebellion in my heart that has welled up inside of me and I have been refusing to deal with it.  I know it's there; it pertains to the call to exercise and move my body, and I'm mad about having to do that.  Don't ask me why!  I can't give you an explanation, but it's there.

So, all of these things have me running "hog wild" into the refrigerator and cupboard, eating all the wrong things, and I'm sick...literally almost physically sick from all the junk I've been putting into my mouth.

Today I'm confessing, to you AND God (as if He didn't already know!), and asking for strength to start again. 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2014.  I want to begin with a FRESH perspective in 2015; a new determination to stay on my face before God in total surrender with this issue.

It's a daily battle, people.  I think you know that.  It may change, it may look like a different struggle on any given day, but it's always going to be a battle.

I want to struggle well. 

Climbing Back on the Wagon

 

So, our Christmas Day started with this yummy breakfast of biscuits and gravy, hash browns, and bacon.

 

 

 

Then my daughter-in-law made a loaf of Monkey Bread filled with brown sugar, cinnamon, butter, walnuts, and of course bread, for my husband's Christmas gift!

 

And then there was this wonderful Christmas dinner...everything from ham to pies.

 

It goes without saying that it's been a rough few days! 

 

I am really amazed at just how tired I am; pretty sure that's what I'm calling "Carbohydrate Hangover!"

 

And I'm just really ready for light, healthier eating.  My body has reacted rather poorly to the heavy, starchy foods these last few days, and I found myself just craving a salad, which is a HUGE deal for me.  I don't normally enjoy salad AT ALL!

 

My goal was to maintain during the holidays, but honestly I have been scared to step on the scale, so I don't know what I did during the past week.  I'm mainly just trying to focus on getting this unhealthy stuff/junk out of my house, passing it on to others, and moving on!

 

My goal is to get this weight off and to turn my bad numbers all around in 2015.  I normally pick a word that will describe my goals in the New Year and this year's word is:

REDEEM

 

I want to redeem my health, my body, my lost years.  It can only happen with the help of the Lord, and I'm ever more aware of just how dependent I am on Him.  So I pray this New Year coming up is going to be one of great testimony of His amazing Grace to help one struggling, middle-aged woman to get her life back, for many reasons, but mainly for His glory, and for these faces:

 

 

 

Realizing a Dream

I love rollercoasters, and I love Dollywood, a local theme park that we often purchase season passes for.

2 years ago, they built a brand new rollercoaster called "The Wild Eagle." It goes straight up for 210 feet, drops you down and goes upside down 4 times at over 60 mph, a fun, fast ride, only 2:22 long.

They have a test seat outside the entrance of the ride that you can sit in to see how you're going to be strapped in, and they also have a notice that "people of larger size may not be able to be accommodated." 

I sat in the seat 2 years ago and realized I was too big for the ride.  The seatbelt would not buckle.

And I was so disappointed.

I watched everyone else going on it and coming off with smiles and cheers and tales of excitement and wonder!

And I sat on the bench, holding the bags and backpacks.

But yesterday...

Yesterday I walked to that seat and thought maybe I was still too big.

I sat in it and my older son tried to get the buckle to work, but it didn't quite make it.  And so I walked away, disappointed.

And then my younger son said, "Mom, try again.  I don't think you had the handles pulled over you the right way."

So, I sat down again and they pushed it just a little more and IT WORKED!!!

You better believe I was nervous to climb those stairs, thinking, "What if the workers aren't willing to push a little harder?  And I stand in this long line, and get up there and climb in and all those people are looking at me and I don't fit and have to get off the ride and walk away in defeat?"

So many doubts, almost with every step I was climbing!

But Clayton and I went on, and I kept asking the Lord for His help to make this happen.

And we got on the back row and I got the courage to tell the young man working the ride, "I've been working and waiting for 2 years to ride this!  And I fit in the test seat outside the gate, but you're gonna have to push a little hard to make it fit!"

His response was, "Oh, I think you've got this, no problem."

Well, it was a little bit of a challenge.  If I hadn't been wearing a coat, I probably wouldn't have had quite as much trouble, but he was so kind to work with me and get me into the seat.  When that thing clicked and buckled, I was going NO WHERE!  Believe me, if I needed to scratch something on the backside of my body there was no way it was going to happen!! :)))

And so, I rode that ride, in the dark, in the cold, and hollered my head off!!!  It was as if I was flying in absolute freedom!

When we arrived back into the gate, the young man asked me, "How was it?  Was it worth it?!" 

I gave him a HUGE thumbs up and a grin and said, "Absolutely!"

I wanted to laugh, cry, scream...so many emotions, but yes, it was worth it!!

I Can't Be Trusted...

So, I learned a lesson about myself yesterday as I was preparing to attend the annual Christmas Cookie Exchange at church...

I can't be trusted with cookies.

I thought that I had made the best choice by NOT buying all the ingredients to make some decadent "ooey-gooey-chocolate-and-caramel-luscious" something or other.

I bought a roll of Pillsbury Peppermint Sugar Cookie dough; the kind you just cut and plop on the cookie sheet.

"This won't be tempting," I said.

"I'm not going to be bothered by these," I said.

"It will be much easier to resist if I just bake and take and won't have all those leftover ingredients," I said.

Um...yeah.  That's not exactly how it worked out.

Because some of them all baked together and they didn't look even and they couldn't go to an exchange when they didn't look pretty,

so they had to stay here,

and they were warm,

and just sitting there on the cookie rack.

And so I ate that one.

And the one next to it that was a little bit burnt.

And then another.

And one that got broken.

And before you know it, I had eaten half a dozen "undesirable" cookies that were not supposed to be tempting to me!!!

And so I quickly realized that these cookies needed to go away...into the freezer...for when my son is home from the Army and wants "homemade" goodies.

So, with a sugar headache and tears in my eyes, I realized that if I had behaved this way in the privacy of my own home, with store bought "stuff," there was no way under the sun that I was going to be able to control myself with an overladen table FULL of yummy goodness that my friends had made.

So I stayed away.  Yet again.  From another social gathering. 

And it broke my heart that I had betrayed myself.

Sights, Sounds, and Smells

So, last night we

 went here...

to Dollywood, and we saw this...

and this...

and we went to our favorite show...

 

But all along the way, we also SMELLED this...

 

and this...

and this...

 

and my all-time favorite thing to eat, this...

 

But the only thing we bought was kettle corn and HOT CHOCOLATE, because it was about 29 degrees outside!

 

It was so difficult to walk away from the food, the bakery, the candy...but I did. 

 

Not because I was disciplined, or because it wasn't in my heart to desire it.

 

Mainly it was because of the prices!  Just being honest.

 

If I had had a carte blanche budget, you better believe it would've been a LOT harder to leave that place without sampling just about everything they offered, because it all smelled AH-MA-ZING!

 

So, we're going back at least 2 more times before the season is over, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to resist everything.  So, my "plan" is to pick something that I REALLY, REALLY want, to cut it in half, and to share that half with someone, which should cut the calories exponentially!

 

I have decided that, at this season, I am just not able to completely cut myself off from enjoying the holiday foods...if I have to do that, I'm going to become so discouraged.

But what I am trying to do is allow at least a "taste" of the things that I really long for. 

If I'm going to break the rules, I'm going to make it for something good!

 

So, how are YOU handling the holiday challenges?

 

P.S. The photos (besides the one of me and my family) are NOT mine.  They were pulled from an internet search for Dollywood Christmas images.

How Much More?

 

 I had a visit with the nutritionist today, and while there was good news on the scales, and praises from her about my journaling, there were also some suggestions to help me have even better results that have me quite discouraged tonight.

 

My results from my A1C blood test showed me at a 5.8%, which is definitely pre-diabetic.  And my fasting blood sugar was 91, which is "normal," but at the high end of the normal range.  So she suggests that I step away completely from potatoes (which I understand and which I've had maybe twice in the past month), and even cut my intake of the low carb bread/wraps, and cut out bananas totally, and limit my apples to half of one just every so often.

 

So, to recap,
 

No potatoes.

 

                                                  

 Almost no bread or wraps.

 

No bananas.

 

 

 

Limited apples.

 

Add this to my ever-growing list of "DO NOT EAT" and I am trying my best to not sink into despair!

 

I'm being honest when I say that I KNOW this is to save my life, literally, but it's not easy to take that news right here at the holidays when every single day is filled with the sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas time.

 

I am TRYING, really I am, trying to focus on the positive fact that I have lost 10 pounds, according to my calculations, and that people are starting to see the weight loss and tell me they see it.

 

But when I get told to cut even MORE things off the list, it IS hard to deal with.

 

This is a struggle.  Every.  Single.  Day.

 

And today's 3-4 suggestions was just hard to hear.

 

As an addict, with a somewhat rebellious heart, I will tell you that I really wanted to just stop at McDonald's, or go to the bakery and get cupcakes, or any other yummy 'forbidden' food that I could think of.

 

But I'm asking God for His help. 

 

And I ate broccoli with chicken for dinner.

Lonely

A friend of mine recently sent me a message about an earlier post I did about my anger, and she was telling me about the stages of grief.

There are 7 stages:

Shock and denial

Pain and guilt

Anger and bargaining

Depression, reflection, and loneliness

The upward turn

Reconstruction and working through

Acceptance and hope

So far, I'd say I'm right on track, going through these steps.  But you might be wondering, "Why is she acquainting her 'food issues' with grief?"

Because food was my best friend, my illicit lover, my god, my whole life!!

And I've lost that.

And in the last 3 days I have been so lonely...like my friend is gone and is never coming back.  Because in reality, that is the truth.

My relationship with food is NEVER going to be the same; it CANNOT.

And so I miss my "comfort foods," those things I turned to when I was feeling sad or needing a hug, but didn't want a human to hug me but rather wanted the feeling I got when I ate a hot slice of homemade bread, or had a gigantic hamburger, or enjoyed the burning throat and watery eyes that came from the first drink of a cold can of Pepsi.

It was real, people.  And so I walk through this feeling of missing something that has been a part of me, however BAD it was, for 40 years.

Because it goes back that far, back to when I was what was known as a "latch key kid," coming home from school to an empty house and watching the "After School Special" until my mom or dad got home from work, and eating Ding Dongs that were round and wrapped in aluminum foil.  My special friends, the T.V. and the junk food, were always waiting for me when I got home from school.

So yes, I'm lonely, and I'm grieving, and I'm pressing through. 

And trying to make friends with salad.

Mission Accomplished

Well, I made it through the first challenging holiday last week:  Thanksgiving.

 

     There was food in abundance,

 

  desserts galore,

 

 

and temptation at every turn.

 

But I had prayed that morning, had eaten my breakfast and taken my vitamins just like I normally would, and went into it determined to be victorious!

 

It also helped that my husband and my hosting friend are some of my biggest cheerleaders in this journey!!  And they were right by my side, literally...one seated on my left and the other on my right! :)  And THIS was my mindset, going in:

I allowed myself a bite of anything and everything that was served, and that's what I took.  My husband was very impressed that there was still "white space" on my plate.  I guess I've gotten so used to using a small plate, sometimes even a saucer, that the huge dinner plate was just way too large for me.

 

Dessert-wise, I ran into a little trouble with the chocolate fudge...I had more than one piece, but still WAY less than normal.  And I had pumpkin pie and apple cake, but only half pieces. 

 

Overall, I did not gain but 8/10 of a pound, and I'm ok with that.

 

My hosting friend told me this morning, "LaDonna, I wasn't proud of you.  I was proud of how you allowed the Holy Spirit to control YOU!" 

 

  (My sweet friend, Kathy and her husband Keith)

 

 

Yes, my friend, it was a definite act of the Holy Spirit that I made it through Thanksgiving without being miserable, without regrets, and without wishing I'd worn stretch pants.

 

Thank you, Lord!

Sabotage

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving day, and this is probably what many, many tables are going to look like.

 

And today on the scale, I saw the number that I've been waiting for...granted, it was only there one time, and when I called my husband into the bathroom to make sure I had seen correctly, of course it never returned.  But I KNOW in my heart that I saw it.

 

But tomorrow is a day filled with food.  So what am I going to do?

 

Honestly, if I know myself, I'm going to engage in sabotage. 

 

I don't know why I do this, but over the past couple of weeks, I've been researching ME and habits and patterns that reoccur in my life and what I've been finding is that I do sabotage myself.  A lot.

 

I have tried to figure out where it comes from or why it happens, and the best I can narrow it down to is, once again, FEAR.

 

I'm going to go real deep here, so bear with me...I think it comes from an issue in my childhood.

 

In my family, in my mind, women are dangerous.  They "rule" the house; they make the decisions, they "make you or break you."  This was on BOTH sides of the family, so if you're reading this and you knew/know my family, don't try to single someone out! :)  Just listen.

 

Broken marriages, unfaithfulness, flirtations, sexual sin all abounded, as I'm certain it does in everyone's family somewhere, and at some time. 

 

And so, as I grew older and got married, I thought, "If I want to be 'safe,' I'm going to have to be unattractive."  I began to use my weight/fat as a shield to keep from getting compliments, to hide behind any chance of becoming "a dangerous woman."

 

Over time, God has really helped me to deal with my past, to forgive hurts, to match lies of the enemy with the truth of who God says I am in Christ.  And I've grown into the person that I've longed to be in many, many ways.

 

However, sometimes those old lies have a way of creeping in.  And it turns into sabotage.

 

For instance, I've been just 8/10 of a pound away from my first goal that I set for myself for almost 2 weeks.  But someone (a woman I know) commented and asked me how much weight I'd lost, and that they could really see it in my face, and it SCARED me!  Isn't that crazy?  And so, I ate those M&M's I talked about in the previous post.

 

I had one man (a stranger) make one comment, and I FREAKED.  And sabotaged myself by going totally off plan!

 

I'm struggling to deal with these areas in my life as they surface. 

 

As my husband has told me, over and over, AND over again, "YOU are not your family!  You long to glorify God with your body.  You have no desire to be unfaithful to me."  And he's right! 

 

So I remind myself that this is another tool of the enemy to distract, discourage, and destroy me.

 

And so, I FIGHT.

Regrets

On Sunday morning, we sang the song, "How He Loves," by David Crowder.  If you don't know the song, please do yourself a favor and look it up on You Tube.  You'll be glad you did.

Within that song is a line that says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves..."

Wow!  Did that hit me on Sunday morning.  And it's been with me for the last 2 days.  And is still with me.

Because that's where I've been... living in the past.  For a while.  At least the last 7-9 days.

I'm not sure what's going on, whether it's due to changes in our life with our son off in Basic Training, our youngest one recently turning 16, Joe's 47th birthday approaching, my parents facing health challenges due to aging, or what it is, but I've been stuck in the past and just wallowing around in a pile of regrets.

You know, all the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" that you can think of. 

The "if only's" and the "what if's" and those "I'd love to go back and..."

But guess what?  You can't go back.

Yeah, LaDonna, you can't go back!  I'm talking to myself a lot these days. 

There really isn't anything I can do to change ANYTHING in the past.  I can only go forward into the future, right?

But, you know what?  That doesn't help me.  Not right now, anyway.  I've made so many mistakes, I'm just dying to be back in elementary school with a giant eraser and a benevolent teacher that says, "Sure, you can have a 'do-over.'"

There's only ONE thing that's keeping my head above the water in the cesspool right now, and that's the knowledge that I've been forgiven!

And while that is HUGE news, and something I'm SO very grateful for...I'm being totally honest and telling you that I'm struggling to hang onto that.

And so, in the midst of my struggle of regretting choices I've made in the past, what have I done?  I've made more poor choices.

Like that small bag of M&M's that I had at the movies. 

And that stupid Krispy Kreme fried pie that had 58g of carbs in it.

And that fast food meal I ate.

So, yeah.  More poor choices.  More regrets.  More struggles.

Mentally, I know all the truths of Scripture.  And I shouldn't be where I am right now.

But in reality, I feel like I am fighting off giants, and the giants are winning.

I'm bruised.  I'm sore.  I'm wounded. 

Just an honest post from me.  No pity needed.  Just wanted to let you know that the struggle is real.  Some days I win.  Some days I don't.

Second Chances

Today, I want to be sensitive, but also grateful.

Today, the life of a 40 year old friend of mine will be celebrated and remembered at her funeral.

She leaves behind 2 sons and a grieving mother and sister, with nieces and nephews, and many friends and extended family that will miss her laughter, her humor, and her love for life.

She died of an apparent heart attack.

And so this week, I've been going over and over the test results that I got a few weeks ago, at that inflammation around my heart, my high cholesterol levels, and how this could have been me.

But it wasn't.

Because for some reason, I've been given a second chance to turn things around and I do not want to take that for granted.

My heart is thankful for the opportunity I've been given.

And yet my heart is sad.

Do Your Research!!!

I learned a HARD lesson tonight when we decided to go to Taco Bell after the movies...it was the most affordable choice, and I didn't want to go to the grocery store hungry.

So, I got in line, looked at the menu and made what I thought was the best choice.  I thought about the taco salad, but knew I would be tempted to eat the "bowl."

And so I went with the chicken Cantina bowl...it says right on the menu that it is 490 calories, and 29 grams of protein.  Ok, not bad.

What it does NOT say is how many grams of CARBS is in it.  So I looked it up when I got home.

Keep in mind that I'm supposed to be keeping my TOTAL intake between 40-60 grams, and I've been trying to stay at 50 grams, and before we left for the movies I was already at 30.

Imagine my surprise when I looked up my "healthy choice" and found that it contains 49 grams of carbs!!!!

I was almost sick!

So, lesson learned. 

I will most definitely do my research next time!

Well, this is new

It's been quite a crazy week, struggles with food, emotions all over the place, but something NEW is rearing it's head, and it's really kind of scaring me.

I find myself becoming more and more AFRAID of food.

I've NEVER, not ONE TIME, been afraid of eating.  Until this week.

Isn't that weird?  I'm trying to analyze how that is happening, but the scary part of it for me is that, in so many things I've read, that's how eating disorders start.  You go from one extreme to the other.  And that isn't something that I want to do AT ALL.

This addiction, this "thing" that has gripped me for so long, this demon that has controlled me, the ONE thing I'm struggling to break free from, is STILL trying to control me, only in a different way.

Through fear.

And so I find myself battling against the fear; against the feeling that FOOD is the enemy.  Because you know what?  It's not.

It's my heart.  The scripture says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.  Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9

I'm crying out to the Lord for His help to keep my heart surrendered to Him and to what HE would desire for me to put in my mouth.  Another scripture that I should have tattooed in a prominent place on my body is, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful.  All thing are lawful, but not all things build up.  So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."  I Corinthians 10:23 and 31

I am trying to get my heart to understand that yes, it's ok to celebrate.  Yes, it's ok to eat food.  Yes, there are certain foods that "I" should stay away from, simply because I can't handle them and they send me down the wrong path. 

All food is ok.  But not all food is ok FOR ME. 

But that does NOT mean I have to live my life in fear.

This upcoming holiday season is just FULL of opportunities for the enemy to keep me PARALYZED and isolated, IF I let him.

But I'm going to choose to trust the Lord, to follow the advice of the nutritionist, to keep on my game plan, and to focus on the opportunities that God puts before me to glorify Him with my body.

One Poor Choice Leads to Another

At bedtime last night, I found myself at the end of a string of poor choices.  And it all started with...

It was an innocent footlong that I split in half with Clayton.  And we shared some Doritos, and shared a Coke, and shared a raspberry cheesecake cookie.  And he actually ate the larger part of all those other things. But that started me down a carb overload path that kept going faster and faster!!  And led me to make THIS stupid choice...

except mine wasn't a bunny shape; it was a snowman.  And for the record, it stayed in my purse, unopened, for over an hour! Which was a HUGE accomplishment.  But then I gave in and ate it.  And felt the head rush from sugar overload.  But I went to small group and did what I needed to do, and felt terrible that I had eaten this candy.  And came home, starving, and ate some chili, and was still "hungry," and gave in to THIS...

yes, pb&j AND chips!  It was like I was a munching maniac and couldn't STOP!  Granted, it was on low carb bread, the healthy peanut butter, and the chips were "natural" and the only ingredients were potatoes and sea salt, but still, at 10:30 at night?! 

 

So I began to trace back to what had started me on this spiral, and I found a few things:

 

1. I have stopped journaling my food.  That gets me EVERY time.  I "think" I'll remember, but I don't, and then I eat more than I should've.

 

2. I ran out of "good" carbs and turned to the bad ones to fill the whole!  I struggle most when my grocery supply is down.  And it's so much easier to give in when my healthy choices are limited.

 

3. Playing around with "dangerous" carbs is DANGEROUS for me.  There are just certain things that I know I shouldn't eat because I can't handle them right now, not even a little bit.  Chips and crackers are 2 of those items that I have found I just have to leave alone.

 

So, I had a bad day.  And in the past, I would have let that lead me to a 2nd bad day, which would turn into a bad week.  But not this time!

 

I'm going back to see the nutritionist tomorrow, and I'm less than 3 pounds away from meeting my first goal, so I'm back on plan today and pushing ahead!!

"How do I love thee?"

Well, it's November, which means Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas, which also means FOOD.  And that's what I want to talk about.

I'm really in a panic at the thought of the holidays because of it's STRONG association with food.  You know what I mean.  Your thanksgiving table probably looks something like this:

Filled to the brim with turkey and stuffing, sweet potato casserole, green beans fixed 2 ways, pumpkin, apple, and cherry pies, rolls by the dozen, and on and on!  And that's what scares me!

Because for GENERATIONS, maybe even as far back as the Garden of Eden, celebrations have been associated with food. 

We have a birthday ~ cake and ice cream.
We get married~ wedding cake with nuts and mints, and maybe even a full buffet.
We are pregnant ~ baby showers with cake and cute cucumber sandwiches.
We go to a graduation ~ more cake.
Church gatherings ~ POT LUCK with 5 different macaroni and cheese dishes.
Thanksgiving ~ well, you know.
Christmas ~ ham, and all the trimmings, and don't forget Christmas cookies and candy.
Football ~ tailgating recipes to beat the band!
March Madness ~ pizza parties!
Camping ~ gotta have smores.

Even as I was growing up, the way I was shown love was through food, (which is where the blog title comes in).

Potty training ~ "If you pee-pee, you can get 3 M & M's." Or Skittles, or Smarties, or whatever other tiny candy pieces are out there.

Homework marathon ~ "If you finish all your homework, we'll go get ice cream later."

After a school competition ~ "Hey, you did such a great job, I'm taking you out for a special dinner!"

Dating ~ Is it dinner and dancing, dinner and a movie, a picnic at the park?  Which ever one, it's food.

Honey's had a hard day ~ I'm going to make him his favorite pie FROM SCRATCH to show him how much I love him!

My son's coming home from college or just to visit ~ I have to fix his favorite meal!

You get the point.

And so my dilemma, which I forced my poor husband to sit up and discuss with me until 12:30 this morning, is this:

How do you change a "tradition" that has been going on for multiple generations?  How can I approach the upcoming holidays without the focus being on THE FOOD? 

How do I show, in new ways, my love for my family?  Express that love to them with something BESIDES a pie, or cookies, or anything that would contain calories?

I do leave love notes.  And these 2 guys that live here seem to really enjoy getting them, based on the fact that ones I wrote in July before leaving on my trip to Kenya are still hanging around on their mirrors and desks!

But is love only to be expressed through notes?  Or is there something else I can do? 

What do YOU do to show your family you love them that is not accomplished in the kitchen?  I'm really, REALLY interested in your feedback.

Safe in Slavery?

I have been wrestling throughout the week with many demons.  And I think it has finally all culminated over the last 12 hours and I've spent time sorting through so many thoughts and feelings.

Which brings me to this post.

My addiction to food is a form of slavery, as is any addiction.  It becomes your master, dictating where you go, what you do, the choices you make, how you spend your money, your time, etc. 

Add to that the amount of years that you've been enslaved, and you have a recipe for disaster when you decide you want God's help to break free.

Which is where I've found myself this week as my resolve has waned, as I've dealt with discouragement, as I've not seen the numbers on the scales doing what I thought they should be doing, as I've felt my body literally BEG me to feed it sweets and junk.  And those old desires raise their heads and I can almost see scary, bony skeleton fingers creep out from the dark towards my ankles and wrists and grab hold to drag me back into old habits and poor choices!

And then the Lord reminded me of a vision He had given me one Sunday, a few years ago, and I awoke this morning to go digging through my old journals to find it.  As I read it, I thought, "This is exactly what I'm dealing with today!"  So I thought I'd share it here.

January 22, 2012
Singing "Chains are broken, shame has fallen, all my sins are gone"
"I had a vision of standing in a town square, having just been freed from slave chains, being given new garments to wear and having been granted my freedom.  It feels so great!  BUT, I start to walk out to the 'new life' by picking up the chains and draping them over my arms!  Why am I refusing freedom?  Why don't I leave the old life behind and walk in the freedom He offers?  I feel 'off balance' without the chains."

So, why do I long for "Egypt" when I've been promised Canaan?  I used to scoff at the Israelites as I would read how they were begging Moses to take them back where they had "leeks and garlic."  It never dawned on me until this week that they were willing to give up their freedom for FOOD!  It was the food they were missing in Egypt. 

Wow.  Can I relate, or what?

God has given me an opportunity to walk into a whole new world with Him, but I'm begging to go back into slavery.  I think it's mainly because of fear.

I know the parameters of my prison.  I can't see the boundaries of this new promised land.  There's a measure of security with my addiction.  New life is limitless and unknown and quite frankly, pretty scary. 

And in my fear, I foolishly ask for familiarity.  And would be willing to DIE in slavery rather than live in freedom.

So I sat and confessed this to my husband this morning, and have asked both he and God to forgive me.  And now have blogged about it, praying that it will encourage someone to know that we do not have to live in fear, in slavery, in bondage.

We have been purchased by the blood of Christ to be daughters and sons of the most high God! 

I, for one, want to live a life worthy of the title "Princess of God." 

And walking around dragging chains is not the way to do that! 

What Am I Eating?

I've had several people ask me to post photos of food that I've been cooking, and quite honestly I've wanted to but I forget to do it before my guys dig into it, and then there isn't any food to photograph after!  But I did manage to take this shot this week of the small amount of veggies (placed on a saucer) that was left over.

It is green beans that I sautéed with bacon and fresh garlic, and mashed cauliflower, which we dearly love!  And THIS new kitchen helper is making all the difference in getting great consistency for my cauliflower.  It was an early Christmas present to me while it was on sale and I had a 30% off coupon!

 

 

Last night I fried chicken tenders in coconut oil...breaded in almond flour that I had added Italian seasoning, crushed red pepper, and sea salt to.  I didn't get any, but Joe and Clayton said they were awesome!

 

So, nothing fancy or amazing, yet!  I'm still learning about cooking with nut flours and coconut flour.  It's interesting.  Lots of awesome things to come, I'm sure!

I'm Angry

Yes, I'm angry, and I'm not sure why. 

It's been with me for 2 solid days now.  I find my teeth clenched.  I realize my hands are balled into fists.  There's a furrow on my brow.  What is going on?

I've been searching through my heart to try to realize where it's coming from and the best I can do is find these couple of things:

I'm angry at God.  And I'm angry at myself.

Mad at God?  Is that ok?  Probably not, but I am.

I find myself immaturely saying to Him, "Why?!  Out of all the struggles in the WORLD, why did food have to be mine?  Couldn't you have given me something else?  I probably could've handled something else much better.  This isn't fair!"

Man, when I type that out and see it in front of me, it seems pretty stupid and childish.  But there it is.  This struggle with food is HARD.

There are people that struggle with pornography, and I understand that it is a real struggle for them, but I always say, "Well, my struggle is worse than yours because at least YOU can get rid of your computer, or put strong firewalls on it, you can stay away from strip clubs and have countless accountability partners, but I have to shop and cook and eat food to stay alive!  I can't get away from the object of MY struggle!"

The same for an alcoholic...they don't "have" to go to the liquor store or the bar.  But I have to go to the grocery store.  And it's all laid out there in the most attractive manner and I HATE that this is my struggle.

Which brings me to my second realization...I'm angry at myself.

Mad that I act like some out-of-control psyco that absolutely cannot trust herself with certain things at all!  I mean, I couldn't even make muffins for my family yesterday because I was afraid I wouldn't stop eating after I had just one!

Angry that I allowed myself to be so undisciplined in years past, and now I'm paying the price.

Upset that I can so easily get discouraged and have such a weak backbone in saying no some days. 

How does one full grown, American woman become such a basket case that she cannot even control herself with something so basic as FOOD?! 

It's just FOOD, people! 

And yet, it has gotten such a grip on me, that I find myself thinking about it, planning it, imagining the taste, smell, texture in my mind.

And so I go to the Lord in prayer, because that's the ONLY way I'm surviving these days, and He so gently hits me upside the head with a scripture, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:5 (emphasis added.)

Ah, there it is..."take every thought captive."  Yeah, that's where I've gone wrong.

I've allowed the enemy to send me down a rabbit trail in my thought life and instead of focusing on what blessing I can find in this struggle, on looking at any victory God has given me, on seeing and counting the many ways God has helped me make changes, I'm thinking all the wrong, negative thoughts.

So, I submissively confess my thought life.  I humbly repent for my sin.  And I make a conscious effort to submerge my mind in scripture, to fill my house with praise music, and to take back this territory from the enemy.

It's a process.  I have to remember that. 

Feel free to remind me!

Honesty- The best policy?

I'm struggling this morning with worry.  I woke up very early, which, if you read my previous post, you'll know isn't normal for me.

I can't decide if this worry is from the enemy, if it's a "fear of man," if it's just my own crazy mind playing tricks on me, but here's my nagging thought:

Am I being too honest? 

Is there such a thing?

I know I've received countless messages, both in person and on the computer, from people that have resonated with what I'm posting.  Just last night, a lady said to me, "Your transparency and honesty in your struggle has been such a blessing to me."

But still I wonder have I been too honest? 

Some people never share anything, they keep it all hidden within and give off a persona of everything being fine and you'll never know that inside they are falling apart.

There are others who will share a little bit, tell you part of their story, feel a little better, make a small connection with you and then shut down and still keep some things hidden.

And then there are people like me who have grown weary of the pretending and have decided that I need to be completely transparent and honest and share it all! 

So, I sit in my chair this morning, searching my heart and praying about this, trying to find out where it's coming from.

Because, quite honestly (no pun intended!), it has made me want to run to the refrigerator and eat!  Isn't that crazy?  Worry can do that?  Yes, to someone like me it does!

Which most likely gives me the answer I've been looking for; this MUST be from the enemy. 

So, I'll continue to be honest.  And continue to submit my heart and my fork to the Lord. 

It's not just the best policy- it's the ONLY one.

Hard Habit to Break

Webster defines habit as an act repeated so often by an individual that is has become automatic with him.  And that is what's on my mind this morning.

When thinking about how I got "here," to this weight/place/crisis in my life, what were the actions that propelled me? 

2 words: Bad  Habits.

I have a habit of sleeping too much.  I like to say that I don't do mornings.  And really, I truly believe I was made for second shift.  I've worked all three shifts at a nursing home at one time or another in my lifetime, and I truly function best on second shift, that 3-11 time slot fits me.  But too often I've used it as an excuse to not do something...get up in the morning, go exercise, attend a Bible study, etc.  And instead of disciplining myself to GET UP and start moving, I just complain, tell myself that I'm too tired, and roll over and go back to sleep.  A bad habit.

I have a habit of thinking I need something sweet after each meal.  Do you do this?  Is it absolutely necessary to have dessert?  NO!  But for some reason, it has become a habit.  I mean, seriously, I'm not even done with my meal before I'm thinking ahead about what I can eat that's sweet to cut the "salty" taste in my mouth?!  It's been very hard to step away from that habit these last couple of weeks.  And really, it's just a habit, because I'm totally fine without it.  And a piece of fruit will do the trick, if I think I absolutely HAVE to have something!  I guess maybe it goes back to childhood where a meal wasn't complete without dessert?  I don't know, but it's a bad habit, and I'm trying to break it.

I have a habit of getting on the internet before I read God's word.  This has probably been one of my more destructive habits.  It's so easy to think, "I just need to check my email, send a message, and then I'll get off and read my Bible."  Then you see someone has messaged you from facebook and you jump on there to answer them, and then you scroll through your newsfeed and then you're commenting and "liking" like a mad woman, and before you know it, 2 hours has gone by!  The computer/internet has become an addiction to me, a source of deep contention between my husband and I (for the record, my husband HATES the computer!), and it is something that I'm asking for God to help me walk away from.  The hardest part about it is that our society and the circles we move in have become dependent on the internet as their main source of communication!  So it becomes difficult to stay "in the know" if you decide to be radical and "get rid of the internet!"  But it is still a bad habit that has caused me to waste time, to lose valuable time that I'll never get back, and I'm repenting for that.

I have a bad habit of eating too fast.  This is a BIG one for me!  I eat quickly and unconsciously.  I haven't been paying attention to what I'm eating, which also means I'm not paying attention to HOW MUCH I'm eating, and therefore the calories rack up rather quickly!  We also have gotten away from eating at the table and instead, have moved to the living room, sitting in front of the T.V.  This MUST change.  It only creates more mindless eating, because we're engrossed in watching the screen instead of watching our fork.  And eating more slowly is something that I must do.  I've been making forcing myself to PUT THE FORK DOWN between bites.  I had never realized I'd been holding it in my hand throughout the entire meal!  Crazy, isn't it?  The eating habits of skinny people, if you've never noticed, is that they eat slowly, take small bites, put the fork down between those bites, and they converse during the meal.  Shoot, not me!  Which is why no one has ever called me a "skinny person!"  So, yes, a bad habit.  I've got to tell myself to "Slow down!  Enjoy!  Savor the flavor!"

So, there you have it...just a few of the bad habits that have contributed to my weight.  And they are HARD habits to break.  But with God's help, I'm going to create new, healthy habits!

Music Moves Me...

Here are some songs that really get my heart realigned when I start to go off kilter.

 God has used these 3 particular songs to speak to me over and over.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

"Shall We Dance?"

I absolutely LOVE to dance!  If you don't believe me, just ask any of my close friends and they'll tell you, "She's dance CRAZY!"

But I'll admit, I don't follow well...I like to lead.  Which is probably why most of the dancing I do is line dancing!  It requires a party of ONE. :)

Last night I was reading in a book that I've been studying through, and came across this little story that I thought fit me to a "t" and I want to share it here.

It is written by Pauline Lamarre, called "Asking for Guidance" from Christian Women Today.

"When I meditated on the word 'guidance,' I kept seeing the word 'dance' at the end of it.  I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

"When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.  The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.  When one person relaxes and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.  One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.  It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.  The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

"When I saw 'G' in guidance, I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i.'  And it hit me:  God, let's u (you), and I dance.  This statement is what guidance means to me.  As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.  Once again, I became willing to let God lead." (emphasis added)

Wow!  Is that awesome?  I mean, it describes exactly what I've been feeling these days.

I have to surrender.

I have to be willing.

I have to pay attention.

The Holy Spirit is faithful to give cues, to whisper gently, to nudge and guide.  But I have to LET HIM LEAD. 

Party - Hard

No, I'm not talking about partying hard!  I'm talking about parties being hard...to attend.

Today was my first real "test" and I'm not sure I passed. 

I don't think I failed, necessarily, because I was very conscious of the things that I was putting on my plate. 

And when it came to choosing a plate, I actually went for the small cake plate instead of the big dinner plate that was sitting there.

I stayed away from the sweet dessert stuff, tried to take only enough to amount to one bite of each thing that I put on my plate.

Until I took that bite of the warm onion/cream chees dip that someone made.

Oh. My. Goodness.

And then I kept finding myself dipping one Wheat Thin cracker, eating it and walking away.  Two times.  Three times.  Oh my word, what is wrong with me?  This is ridiculous! 

And I just wanted to leave the baby shower early because I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid dip!

Seriously?  I can't look around and try to find a conversation to get into instead of standing by this table and looking longingly at that dip like I would look at a window display at my favorite clothing or shoe store?

I finally decided that the only way I was going to conquer this was to just go to the other room, even if it meant sitting by myself, which I didn't have to do because there were others around. 

But it was the room where they were cutting the cake!  Man, I just can't get a break!

I did have cake.  A piece so small that it was gone in just 3 small bites.

Yes, I counted them.

Was it worth it?  No, because I had a headache from the sweetness of the icing by the time I got to the van.

But I came away from there with both a sense of accomplishment AND disappointment in myself.

I was proud that I had used the smaller plate, took tiny portions, didn't eat the sweet stuff from the buffet.

Disappointed in how I'd acted about that dumb dip!  And wishing I had just passed on the cake.

But back to the title of the blog...will it ever be easy to go to a party?  What can I do next time to avoid the pitfalls I fell into this time? 

I don't think food will ever lose it's total grip on me; at least that's how I feel today.  But I am praying fervently that I can step further and further from the buffet table and feast on conversation and fellowship more and more. 

But for now, parties are hard.

There's a price to pay...

My husband and I live on a budget, the "Dave Ramsey" envelope system, to be exact.  And so I know exactly how much money I have to spend for groceries, IN CASH, each week.  It's been that way for 25 years!  As the economy has changed, the price of food has risen, and so our grocery budget has increased to reflect that.

However, now that we're no longer buying processed food, junk stuff, cheap "fill-the-hole-with-this-carb" items, we're going to have to sit down and revamp said budget!

Because this week, I went to Kroger with a limited time frame, a list, and made it through the produce section and grabbed my low-carb bread and tortillas, and headed to the check out lane. 

$73 later, I was picking myself up off the floor! 

WHAT?!

Seventy-three dollars for fruit and vegetables and 2 loaves of bread and some tortillas?!

Excuse me, Mrs. President, since you're so concerned about the state of America's children and obesity, can we talk about the REAL reason the entire country is overweight?!

It's the PRICE OF HEALTHY FOOD!

Now, understand, I am a bargain hunter/coupon clipper/buy things on clearance kind of girl, all the way.  But guess what?  They don't put coupons in the Sunday paper for broccoli, or spinach, or apples.  It's double a $.50 coupon on Lay's Potato chips, but I need to spend almost $6.00 for a bag of good apples.  I could get 10 boxes of enriched macaroni for $10, or I could buy one a fair sized piece of wild caught salmon. 

So, what's a family to do?  How do we make this healthy lifestyle work?  How can we stretch the money to meet the need?

That's the topic of tonight's conversation over dinner on the date that my husband is getting ready to take me on.

I would LOVE to hear your feedback on how you make your money stretch to buy healthy, not necessarily organic, food to feed a family. 

3 Minutes

Hidden deep within me is a runner, just dying to get out.

Does that surprise you?  It surprises me, too.

Normally, I hate to sweat.  That's one reason that exercising has been so hard for me.  I despise getting dressed, going to work out, sweating, coming home and have to shower and get dressed all over again.

But a few years ago, my friend Sandra introduced me to the Couch 2 5K program that gets you from sedentary to running 3.1 miles in just 9 weeks.  I was leery at first, but with her encouragement, I participated in the program, and actually ran (well, if you could call it that) my first, and only, 5K.

However, time and circumstances changed and I quit running, and I have missed it.

Every time I see someone running on my road, or running at the park, something stirs within my heart and whispers, "That could be me!"

And yesterday at the gym, while walking on the treadmill, I thought, "Why not just bump up the speed and see if you can still do it?  Just try it for one minute, just ONE minute." 

So I did.  And I ran that one minute.  And then slowed down and rested.  And then ran another minute.  And then another.

3 whole minutes of running.

I was almost in tears.  I was out of breath, but I was also in heaven!

It might not sound like much to someone that runs marathons, but you know what?  Everyone has to start somewhere, and I started yesterday.

One minute at a time.  Not one MILE at a time.

This journey is basically coming down to just that, one minute at a time.  I'm beginning to look at my whole life in that way.  Not what can I accomplish in a month or a year from now, but what can I do in the next minute?  After all, our whole lives are made up of moments, right? 

The Bible study that I'm currently leading is called "The Best Yes," by Lysa TerKeurst, and in this session we just covered she says, "Time is an anchor for the world." 

I've been thinking about time, how much do I waste, how wisely do I spend what I've been given?  And what am I going to do with this next minute in front of me?

Today, I'm choosing to celebrate those 3 minutes of time that God helped me awaken that desire deep within, that hidden dream to run free like the wind.  And to carve out more of those moments to accomplish the dream of running in a race. 

And it will happen, one minute at a time.

So many diets, so little time...

I have been in a total BRAIN FOG for the first part of this week, but after sitting down with the R.N. in charge of the weight loss division of my doctors office, I feel the fog lifting.  What caused the fog?  Trying to figure out which "diet" is best!

I had help with cleaning out my pantry and spice cabinet from a wonderful friend who does a strict Paleo lifestyle.  I've researched it and looked through countless websites and Pinterest sites. 

And then I got calls and comments from friends doing Trim Healthy Mama...which I'd never even heard of.  And so I started looking at those sites and recipes.

And there are still people out there doing South Beach, which I do own a copy of.

And Atkins.

And gluten-free.

And vegetarian.

And I went to the library and there are seriously 12, yes TWELVE shelves on 2 rows of the library that contain diet books, all DIFFERENT, of how you should eat to lose weight.

I came to the point of wanting to pull my hair out and scream, "STOP THE INSANITY" which would harken back to the early 90's and the days of Susan Powter! :)  Which tells you how old I am.

So, I decided to wait until I went back to the doctor, which was yesterday afternoon.  And I'm so glad I did.  Because the nurse handed me a paper that she had hand-written and this is what it said,

"Ask for God's guidance in ordering your steps and helping you "prune" your life."

And then she included these points:

1. What do you value?

2. List ALL your activities in a journal.

3. Look at each activity:
   - can it be deleted?
   - is it necessary?
   - can it be delegated?
   - does it involve pride, people pleasing, etc?

4. Remember life is seasonal

5. Practice saying "No;" don't make quick agreements to take on tasks; give yourself space to think about them FIRST and ask God about them

6. Your body needs time to heal!

Isn't that awesome?

We then spent the next little bit of time talking about my pantry and how to get it restocked with healthy things.  And how many carbs and protein grams I need to have per day.  And exercise.  And it was all tailored to MY needs.  Which made me walk away with such a burden off of my shoulders.

I think that too many times, as a woman, I try to compare myself to others and say that, "Well, if it's working for them, why isn't it working for me?"  But this feels very different.  My body isn't necessarily like someone else's, and what works for one person may not be the best thing for me.

So today I have so much more peace in my heart, a plan in my hand, and a small goal of 9 pounds in my head to shoot for.

And so, the journey begins...

As my blog title indicates, I am a recovering dieter!  I think I could actually call myself a "professional" dieter, so many diets have I tried!  I mean, seriously, you name it, I've tried it.  Everything from the one where you eat 5 saltines, hot dogs, half a grapefruit, and ice cream...all the way to Phen-Fen, and everything (but gastric bypass) in between.

So why post about this?  Why now?  Because on Thursday, October 23rd, I received bad news from the doctor about my blood work.  Inflammation around my heart, elevated cholesterol, pre-diabetes, overworking kidneys, and on and on...yes, it scared the living daylights out of me.

Have I never been concerned about my health before?  Yes.  But for some reason, I've not been concerned ENOUGH.  Until now.

My husband, God love him, has been on me for 20 years to take care of myself.  Why didn't I listen?  I don't know.  Why do women turn a deaf ear to their husbands?  If you can answer that, you could probably make a million!

So, if you're still reading this, you will just have to know that this blog is going to be a DEAD HONEST blog about my inner heart struggle in this process.  If that's not something you're going to be interested in, well this is your chance to click that little "x" and close this window! :)  But, if you're like so many other women I know who have this love/hate relationship with food and are also struggling to win the battle over it, then WELCOME!  And please stay and comment and let me know you're out there, cheering me along, and coming on this journey to health with me!

I am going to using this "platform" to talk about the honest truth of what this means for me. 

Starting with this:
 my being overweight is a result of my SIN! 

"What did she just say?  Being overweight is a sin?" 

Well, not exactly, but for ME it is!  So many of the pounds I've put on are because of gluttony, because of idolatry, because of rebellion...which are all what?  SIN! 

So, how does food become an idol?  When it's the first thing I turn to when I need comfort, when I need a place to go because I'm stressed, when I'm sad, or lonely, or depressed...I went to the pantry when I should've been going to pick up  my Bible, or hitting my knees in prayer to God! 

What about rebellion?  Oh, yeah, that's a BIG one for me.  It goes like this, "Hey, you shouldn't eat that."  What?  I'm a grown woman, you can't tell me what to do!  I want it!  I deserve it!  I'm going to eat it and there's nothing you can do to stop me!!!

Sound familiar?  Or am I the only one that still acts like a stupid 14 year old girl?

Gluttony?  Oh, you know...you've had way more than enough to eat, but wait, there's still dessert.  Or there's more rolls, and they're SO GOOD, and you might not get another one until, oh, I don't know...TOMORROW?!  And then 20 minutes, and 4 rolls and 3 cookies later, you're in the bathroom with cramps thinking, "Why did I do this to myself?"  Absolutely NO CONTROL!

And so, enter the fine folks at my local medical establishment looking at me across the desk as they break the news to me that at age 45, I'm on the path to heart attack/stroke/diabetes/kidney failure, and suddenly all those "choices" I made come flashing before me like a bad 80's movie!

When did food become such an addiction?  When did I let it get so out of hand?  And why in the world did I think I could ever control this without God's help?

And so, very much like a drug addiction, I find myself having withdrawals from sugar and carbs, literally almost in TEARS because I want chocolate or donuts or McDonald's French fries!  Like those people that I've watched on T.V. go through what they call D.T.'s from alcohol or drugs, shaking, sick, headaches...yep, that's me this week!!! 

It's as if blinders have been taken off my eyes, and I'm finally seeing what a wretched person I've been over the last 20 years; how much I've abused my body.  And so I thank God for this.  Really, I do.  It has been His kindness to me to allow this "wake up call" to happen right now, while all the problems can be reversed and turned around to head in a healthier direction.

And today, I find myself going to His word while I eat my healthy breakfast; feasting on HIM and what He can provide, rather than mindlessly eating my way through the day.  And it's just the first steps of many new places that I'm certain He's going to take me on.

So, are you still with me?  I hope so!  I'm looking forward to walking this journey with friends, showing you the "real" me!  Thanks for the encouragement!