Dreaming....

Sometimes I find myself day dreaming, and lately my day dreams consist of those things that will be "possible" when I've lost weight.  Things that I've missed that other people take for granted.

 

Things like this:

I have NEVER weighed less than my husband.  He's never been able to pick me up and carry me around.  I've never been able to wear his shirts or had him offer me his jacket and be able to wear it.  And that is hard to live with. 

 

But I'm dreaming about the day that it will happen!

It bothers me that I have to shop in the plus size department.  And those styles aren't always cute.  More like clothes from a tent factory, a lot of times.  I want to shop in the "regular" department, to be able to choose from the cute stuff.  To put together outfits like these and be able to find something to wear in ANY store I walk into!

 

I'm working on it!

We don't go on vacation...at least not anything "planned" and saved for.  We make trips to see family up north, and that's about it.  One of the reasons I stay away from vacation spots like the beach is pretty self-explanatory, don't ya think?!  I don't have any desire for a "bikini body" but I do desire to be comfortable at the beach!  I dream about that.

 

And it will come!

Now, I understand that these are all MATERIAL things; things that are simplistic, surface stuff that shouldn't matter, but THEY DO, doggone it!  I'm being serious...when I'm watching a movie and a guy just comes in and sweeps a girl up in his arms, that HURTS!  I want it to happen to ME!

 

When I'm shopping with friends and they want to go to Old Navy or Rue 21 or Aeropostle, THAT HURTS!  I try not to let it.  I truly DO want to be happy for them and not make them feel bad for me...but I can't shop there. 

 

Other people are posting vacation pictures from the beach and they look great in a bathing suit and look so happy wearing shorts or cute skirts, holding their shoes in one hand and their husband's hand with the other, walking into the sunset...and it HURTS!  Because we've never done that!  I want that.

 

So, I will continue to dream.  And continue to pursue my dreams.  And ask for God's help in making them become reality for me. 

 

 

 

Super Bowl

It's Super Bowl week, a time my guys look forward to...and typically a night filled with friends, FOOD, and lots of fun.

But this year, I'm thinking about it a little differently.  And I'm warning you that THIS blog is going to get REALLY personal, super REAL, here in just a minute.

When you hear guys talking about the Super Bowl, the 2 teams that are playing against each other, their strengths and weaknesses, the PLAYERS always come up (of course!).  Have you ever heard a conversation like this at your house or workplace:

"Man, the ______'s have a real chance this year!  Their quarterback is on fire!  He's 6'2" and weighs 199 lbs."

"Well, I don't know, because the _______'s have an amazing front line.  That one guy is 6'6" and weighs 240 lbs.  He could crush the quarterback like a bug!"

Sound familiar?  Well, it does to me!  And when I hear those conversations, I really just want to shrink away.

Why?

Because I weigh more than those line backers!

No, seriously!  I've just finished researching it!

The Seattle Seahawks have 68 players on their roster listed with their heights and weights, and I went through the list and 34 of them weigh less than I do!  That's right, people...HALF of the Seahawks football team weighs LESS than me!

Now, granted, that number would have been higher a few months ago, but still can you understand the feeling it gives me when I hear people say, "Man, that guys is HUGE!  He must weigh like 235?!"

Know why that bothers me?  Because, as of this morning, I weigh 242.8  Yes, after our little trip to Georgia, I gained some.  Before we went, I was at 240.

So, there you have it...my numbers from the scale, out here on a world-wide blog for everyone to see!

But I have to do it.  I have to put it out there.  Because if I keep hiding it, I feel like it's going to choke me!  For far too long I have allowed the number to define me, to control me, to manipulate my day/week/life!

Does it make it any easier to hear guys talk about their favorite football linebacker and know that I outweigh him?  No.

But it does tear down a curtain of fear.  It allows me to say, "You know what?  Yes, I'm overweight.  I know it.  You know it.  But it's ok because I'm working on it.  And it doesn't really matter what the scale says.  What matters is how I feel inside."

Now, the HARD part is transferring that "knowledge" from my head to my heart and really believing it! 

But I'm working on it.

And "GO, HAWKS!" 

3 Months Makes a Difference

I don't know about you, but sometimes (most of the time) I have a hard time "seeing" my weight loss.  I always see myself WAY bigger than what I actually am; at least that's what my husband tells me.
But today, when I was going through my photos from our son's graduation from Army basic training, I went back to "Day 1" when we said good-bye to him on October 20th, and then looking at the photo of he and I from yesterday...I can finally see that I actually HAVE lost weight, that I DO look different.

So, I'm encouraging myself this morning to stay the course.  Especially after I got on the scales today and it showed a 5 POUND gain!  And I was so good!  Only had ONE meal that was "off plan" in celebration of his graduation.  Of course my husband gave me lots of words of encouragement, "don't get discouraged, it's probably water weight because we were in the van for over 750 miles, round trip, don't worry it will come off..."  Bless his heart! :)

Photos like these DO encourage me.  And I'll probably print them out and post them somewhere that I can see them on a regular basis, because I need a visual reminder that this IS working!

Weight Loss vs. Life Gain

Yesterday I read a blog post by Isabeau Miller talking about her struggles with weight, and she used this line of "weight loss vs. life gain."  It really struck me, and started me thinking about what has changed in my life since I really began fighting this battle?  I thought I'd share a few things that have happened around our house since October, when this all began:

• My husband is so attentive!  He has told me numerous times that it isn't the physical part of the weight loss that is important to him.  What he's attracted to is my confidence in who I am in Christ.  This point is so very important because before I just stumbled around doubting myself in so many areas, struggling to believe I had any worth.  But since I began this journey and began it with Christ as my focus and seeing my body as the Temple of the Holy Spirit, it has made all the difference in the world!

• I am much more alert.  Not just to details, but I actually feel like I'm seeing the world in a whole new light.  There is less "fog" in my vision...not literally, but I have so much more clarity.  There is a new sense of being present, if that makes sense.
• Financially, we're saving money by eating at home.  I used to be a "drive-thru Sue," as one of my friends called it! :)  There were weeks that we easily spent $50 collectively eating out, which is a ridiculous waste of money.  This change has benefited us because as we all know, eating healthy costs more money, but since we're "saving" by eating at home, we now have that money to put with the original grocery budget and it isn't hurting the pocketbook like I originally thought it would.

• My willpower has increased.  This is not of my own doing.  It has come directly from the help of the Lord, but each meal, each snack, each day that I get through without making the wrong choices puts that much more determination in my "tank" to keep making the correct decisions.  Last night my son asked if something was going to bother me if he purchased it and ate it in front of me and I said no.  His question was, "So, you've been without it for so long that you aren't even tempted by it?"  I'm not sure about "not even tempted," but I am finding out that the longer I've left carbs and sugar out of my body, the less cravings I have had for them.  But don't lock me into the local Krispy Kreme to see if I could last!  That might be too much.

So, those are just a few things, right off the top of my head, that I feel I have gained in my life from walking through this process.  It isn't over.  I'm in a constant battle that will never end.  There is NO "finish line" in this race, except the one that ends at my tombstone!  I have come to grips with the fact that this is something I will struggle with until my dying breath.  But I'm learning to embrace it; to revel in the concept that THIS is the struggle that God has chosen for me.  It's what it takes to keep me close to His side, to run to Him, to trust Him...this is OUR thing, me and God. 

And in THAT, there's LIFE GAIN!

Week One

On Wednesday of last week, I began the Core 8 program through my doctor's office.  We meet for one hour, 3 times a week, and it consists of work outs, turning in our food journals, nutrition education, and accountability.  A LOT to pack into an hour!

Tonight we weighed in and I was down ALMOST 5 pounds! 

It has NOT been easy, per se, with the limited eating (no carbs, sugar, dairy, fruit) but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be.

I will be eating this way for another week, and then they will begin to reintroduce some healthy options into the food list.  Which I'm excited about!

But what I really wanted to focus on was the fact that this has been one of the worst weeks of my life, emotionally!  And while there was one day that I ran to the wrong thing (3 fun size Twix bars!), for the rest of the week I've been able to control my eating while my emotions have been all over the map!!!

And that has been the grace of GOD!  I know this.  I recognize God.  I can see His hand in this whole week so clearly.

For that, I humbly bow and say "Thank you, Jesus!"

Planning Ahead

I know that success doesn't just "happen."  You have to plan.  And today, that's what I've been doing.

On Wednesday of this week I began a program through my doctor's office that introduced an eating plan that's pretty strict:

No dairy, with the exception of a limited amount of butter and cheese

No bread, or any other grains

No sugar, including artificial sweeteners

No fruit

This is for the first 2 weeks, which I'm pretty grateful for, because I dearly love fruit!  And yogurt.

So, today I thought that it would be in my best interest to get organized and plan ahead for this next week.  Actually, it began last night when I baked some extra chicken while I already had the oven on for something else.

And I took pictures!  Here's what it looks like for me to "plan ahead."

 

All laid out on the counter, ready to be put away.

 

I love these little Solo cups, they're the perfect size for 2 TBSP of natural peanut butter, or the 1/4 c. of almonds that is on my eating list.

 

 

4-6 oz. packages of chicken tenders and ground beef, seasoned and ready to go for lunches!

 

 

I love to have boiled eggs on hand, so easy to grab for breakfast or a snack.

 

 

My husband loves this...cucumbers and onions, mixed with Hellman's Balsamic Vinegar Mayo, seasoned with a little fresh ground black pepper.

 

 

You can never go wrong having peppers washed and prepped.  So versatile, either for snacks or for throwing in the skillet with chicken or steak strips.

 

So there you have it...my food prep for the week!  Please, share with me your secrets to staying organized with your food.

 

 

 

 

Dealing with Rebellion

It's the first Monday of the month, and of the New Year, so is there any better time to start dealing with the first of many heart issues?  I don't think so.

And the first issue that I MUST deal with is this rebellion against exercise!  So I'm setting aside time to go to this place...

 

I don't know why I hate to exercise, but the best that I can come up with are these 3 reasons:

 

1.  I HATE to sweat! 

 I grew up in Arizona, I was hot all the time!  I wear makeup and I always feel like my face is sliding off when I'm sweating!  I don't want to stink, and even though I wear great deodorant, I still feel YUCKY when I'm sweating!

 

2.  I don't like to change clothes multiple times in one day. 

 I like having a routine where, if I'm up and dressed, then I'm dressed for the whole day!  If I have to get up and get dressed in one outfit, then stop and change, go to the gym, get sweaty, take a shower, put on another set of clothes, that just DRIVES ME CRAZY!

 

3. I look out of place at the gym. 

 I know, I can hear you saying, "What is she talking about?"  But it's true.  Admit it!  Most of the people at a gym look GREAT!  They are fit and fabulous.  And you KNOW they're grossed out by people that look like me in yoga pants with more rolls than a donut display case hanging off both sides of the bicycle seat!  I am NEVER more self-conscious than when I am at the gym!

 

So, there are my top 3 reasons, in the order of importance to me.  But I MUST lay them aside, and get my workout clothes on and get into this place today.  Maybe if I go in the middle of the day, there won't be so many fabulous people there?

Are You A "Disordered" Eater?

I'm currently reading a book that I paid a whole dollar for, and it's turning out to be a very good book!  It's called, "Hunger Within," written by Arthur W. and Judy Wardell Halliday, who are a M.D. and R.N. respectively.

I came across this on page 31, and it's just too good not to share:

"All too often- without really knowing what is wrong- we turn to food, drugs, alcohol, sex, work, or other counterfeits with the hope that these will alleviate our hunger.  When our eating is out of control or we use food to insulate ourselves from emotional pain, we say that our eating is 'disordered,' that it is out of God's order.  Disordered eating is a counterfeit for genuine satisfaction and leaves us empty and unfulfilled.  It is characterized as follows:

*We are preoccupied with food and eating.

*Food is used to insulate us from or numb emotional pain.

*Food is used in an attempt to satisfy our unfulfilled yearnings to be loved, valued, and cherished.

*Food or eating is used to try to achieve some order in a disordered life.

*Food is used to feed the lonely heart.

*Food or eating has become our focus, a compulsion an obsession, or an idol.

*Food or eating causes a disruption in our life, activities, and relationships.

*Food or eating controls us rather than vice versa.

*Food has become our best friend.

Do any of the above statements resonate with you?  I know they struck me right through the heart!!!

Deep within me lies a longing to hunger more deeply for God, to feast on His Word. 

It is my prayer for the new year to tear down these idols, to turn away from these houses of false worship.

 

 



If any of this rings true for you, I pray you will find freedom in 2015, that you will let me know your struggle so that I can pray for you, and that together we will live in victory!!!

New Year- New Beginnings

Today is the first day of a brand new month, brand new year, and it's a fresh start for me to begin again with my healthy eating.

I took the plunge and climbed on the scales this morning and found that, after Dollywood trips, Christmas/New Year's Eve week, I came out gaining 1.2 pounds.

Can I just say that I was REALLY surprised?! 

Ok, so I can do this!

I'm back on the straight and narrow today, even though so far I've only had one meal!  But it's been totally healthy!

And I'm going to have to go back to doing everything one meal, one moment, one choice at a time. 

So, here's to New Beginnings, New Resolve, New Mercy, every day of this year!!!