I'm Angry

Yes, I'm angry, and I'm not sure why. 

It's been with me for 2 solid days now.  I find my teeth clenched.  I realize my hands are balled into fists.  There's a furrow on my brow.  What is going on?

I've been searching through my heart to try to realize where it's coming from and the best I can do is find these couple of things:

I'm angry at God.  And I'm angry at myself.

Mad at God?  Is that ok?  Probably not, but I am.

I find myself immaturely saying to Him, "Why?!  Out of all the struggles in the WORLD, why did food have to be mine?  Couldn't you have given me something else?  I probably could've handled something else much better.  This isn't fair!"

Man, when I type that out and see it in front of me, it seems pretty stupid and childish.  But there it is.  This struggle with food is HARD.

There are people that struggle with pornography, and I understand that it is a real struggle for them, but I always say, "Well, my struggle is worse than yours because at least YOU can get rid of your computer, or put strong firewalls on it, you can stay away from strip clubs and have countless accountability partners, but I have to shop and cook and eat food to stay alive!  I can't get away from the object of MY struggle!"

The same for an alcoholic...they don't "have" to go to the liquor store or the bar.  But I have to go to the grocery store.  And it's all laid out there in the most attractive manner and I HATE that this is my struggle.

Which brings me to my second realization...I'm angry at myself.

Mad that I act like some out-of-control psyco that absolutely cannot trust herself with certain things at all!  I mean, I couldn't even make muffins for my family yesterday because I was afraid I wouldn't stop eating after I had just one!

Angry that I allowed myself to be so undisciplined in years past, and now I'm paying the price.

Upset that I can so easily get discouraged and have such a weak backbone in saying no some days. 

How does one full grown, American woman become such a basket case that she cannot even control herself with something so basic as FOOD?! 

It's just FOOD, people! 

And yet, it has gotten such a grip on me, that I find myself thinking about it, planning it, imagining the taste, smell, texture in my mind.

And so I go to the Lord in prayer, because that's the ONLY way I'm surviving these days, and He so gently hits me upside the head with a scripture, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:5 (emphasis added.)

Ah, there it is..."take every thought captive."  Yeah, that's where I've gone wrong.

I've allowed the enemy to send me down a rabbit trail in my thought life and instead of focusing on what blessing I can find in this struggle, on looking at any victory God has given me, on seeing and counting the many ways God has helped me make changes, I'm thinking all the wrong, negative thoughts.

So, I submissively confess my thought life.  I humbly repent for my sin.  And I make a conscious effort to submerge my mind in scripture, to fill my house with praise music, and to take back this territory from the enemy.

It's a process.  I have to remember that. 

Feel free to remind me!