Well, this is new

It's been quite a crazy week, struggles with food, emotions all over the place, but something NEW is rearing it's head, and it's really kind of scaring me.

I find myself becoming more and more AFRAID of food.

I've NEVER, not ONE TIME, been afraid of eating.  Until this week.

Isn't that weird?  I'm trying to analyze how that is happening, but the scary part of it for me is that, in so many things I've read, that's how eating disorders start.  You go from one extreme to the other.  And that isn't something that I want to do AT ALL.

This addiction, this "thing" that has gripped me for so long, this demon that has controlled me, the ONE thing I'm struggling to break free from, is STILL trying to control me, only in a different way.

Through fear.

And so I find myself battling against the fear; against the feeling that FOOD is the enemy.  Because you know what?  It's not.

It's my heart.  The scripture says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.  Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9

I'm crying out to the Lord for His help to keep my heart surrendered to Him and to what HE would desire for me to put in my mouth.  Another scripture that I should have tattooed in a prominent place on my body is, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful.  All thing are lawful, but not all things build up.  So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."  I Corinthians 10:23 and 31

I am trying to get my heart to understand that yes, it's ok to celebrate.  Yes, it's ok to eat food.  Yes, there are certain foods that "I" should stay away from, simply because I can't handle them and they send me down the wrong path. 

All food is ok.  But not all food is ok FOR ME. 

But that does NOT mean I have to live my life in fear.

This upcoming holiday season is just FULL of opportunities for the enemy to keep me PARALYZED and isolated, IF I let him.

But I'm going to choose to trust the Lord, to follow the advice of the nutritionist, to keep on my game plan, and to focus on the opportunities that God puts before me to glorify Him with my body.