Sabotage

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving day, and this is probably what many, many tables are going to look like.

 

And today on the scale, I saw the number that I've been waiting for...granted, it was only there one time, and when I called my husband into the bathroom to make sure I had seen correctly, of course it never returned.  But I KNOW in my heart that I saw it.

 

But tomorrow is a day filled with food.  So what am I going to do?

 

Honestly, if I know myself, I'm going to engage in sabotage. 

 

I don't know why I do this, but over the past couple of weeks, I've been researching ME and habits and patterns that reoccur in my life and what I've been finding is that I do sabotage myself.  A lot.

 

I have tried to figure out where it comes from or why it happens, and the best I can narrow it down to is, once again, FEAR.

 

I'm going to go real deep here, so bear with me...I think it comes from an issue in my childhood.

 

In my family, in my mind, women are dangerous.  They "rule" the house; they make the decisions, they "make you or break you."  This was on BOTH sides of the family, so if you're reading this and you knew/know my family, don't try to single someone out! :)  Just listen.

 

Broken marriages, unfaithfulness, flirtations, sexual sin all abounded, as I'm certain it does in everyone's family somewhere, and at some time. 

 

And so, as I grew older and got married, I thought, "If I want to be 'safe,' I'm going to have to be unattractive."  I began to use my weight/fat as a shield to keep from getting compliments, to hide behind any chance of becoming "a dangerous woman."

 

Over time, God has really helped me to deal with my past, to forgive hurts, to match lies of the enemy with the truth of who God says I am in Christ.  And I've grown into the person that I've longed to be in many, many ways.

 

However, sometimes those old lies have a way of creeping in.  And it turns into sabotage.

 

For instance, I've been just 8/10 of a pound away from my first goal that I set for myself for almost 2 weeks.  But someone (a woman I know) commented and asked me how much weight I'd lost, and that they could really see it in my face, and it SCARED me!  Isn't that crazy?  And so, I ate those M&M's I talked about in the previous post.

 

I had one man (a stranger) make one comment, and I FREAKED.  And sabotaged myself by going totally off plan!

 

I'm struggling to deal with these areas in my life as they surface. 

 

As my husband has told me, over and over, AND over again, "YOU are not your family!  You long to glorify God with your body.  You have no desire to be unfaithful to me."  And he's right! 

 

So I remind myself that this is another tool of the enemy to distract, discourage, and destroy me.

 

And so, I FIGHT.