Easier said than done

Today is Tuesday, 5 days AFTER Christmas...and I'm still not back on "the wagon."

I had plans to start the day after Christmas.

And then the next day.

Well, maybe after Sunday and I could get myself organized and make out my list and take stock of what I had and what I needed.

And here it is, Tuesday afternoon, and I'm still messing around, NOT prepared, NOT organized, really frustrated with myself for allowing it to have gone on this long without getting myself together.

Beating myself up.

That's what I've been doing.

Questioning and yelling at myself, "What is wrong with you?  You're so stupid!  You KNOW that every single stupid bite of food that you're putting into your mouth is like POISON, and you're still doing it?!  When are you ever going to learn?  You're killing yourself, you stupid, stupid woman!"

Yea, those are the exact things that I'm saying to myself.

Why do I talk like that to ME?  I would NEVER, EVER let anyone else talk to me like that! 

So why the loathing?  The yelling?  The hatred for myself?

Because I've gotten my eyes off of the Lord.  I've found myself desiring to "be in control," which is quite laughable because I'm TOTALLY out of control!

I'm wallowing in shame.  I have gotten away from taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and have been listening to lies, allowing my FEELINGS to trump the TRUTH.

There is an element of rebellion in my heart that has welled up inside of me and I have been refusing to deal with it.  I know it's there; it pertains to the call to exercise and move my body, and I'm mad about having to do that.  Don't ask me why!  I can't give you an explanation, but it's there.

So, all of these things have me running "hog wild" into the refrigerator and cupboard, eating all the wrong things, and I'm sick...literally almost physically sick from all the junk I've been putting into my mouth.

Today I'm confessing, to you AND God (as if He didn't already know!), and asking for strength to start again. 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2014.  I want to begin with a FRESH perspective in 2015; a new determination to stay on my face before God in total surrender with this issue.

It's a daily battle, people.  I think you know that.  It may change, it may look like a different struggle on any given day, but it's always going to be a battle.

I want to struggle well.