Lonely

A friend of mine recently sent me a message about an earlier post I did about my anger, and she was telling me about the stages of grief.

There are 7 stages:

Shock and denial

Pain and guilt

Anger and bargaining

Depression, reflection, and loneliness

The upward turn

Reconstruction and working through

Acceptance and hope

So far, I'd say I'm right on track, going through these steps.  But you might be wondering, "Why is she acquainting her 'food issues' with grief?"

Because food was my best friend, my illicit lover, my god, my whole life!!

And I've lost that.

And in the last 3 days I have been so lonely...like my friend is gone and is never coming back.  Because in reality, that is the truth.

My relationship with food is NEVER going to be the same; it CANNOT.

And so I miss my "comfort foods," those things I turned to when I was feeling sad or needing a hug, but didn't want a human to hug me but rather wanted the feeling I got when I ate a hot slice of homemade bread, or had a gigantic hamburger, or enjoyed the burning throat and watery eyes that came from the first drink of a cold can of Pepsi.

It was real, people.  And so I walk through this feeling of missing something that has been a part of me, however BAD it was, for 40 years.

Because it goes back that far, back to when I was what was known as a "latch key kid," coming home from school to an empty house and watching the "After School Special" until my mom or dad got home from work, and eating Ding Dongs that were round and wrapped in aluminum foil.  My special friends, the T.V. and the junk food, were always waiting for me when I got home from school.

So yes, I'm lonely, and I'm grieving, and I'm pressing through. 

And trying to make friends with salad.