The First 90 Days

Today is finally here...day 90 that I have managed to not step foot inside a McDonald's or Taco Bell.  I'm overwhelmed by the goodness and the grace of almighty God for keeping me!

I did want to clarify that this journey has not meant that I've not eaten out at all.  I HAVE eaten at Subway a few times, and at a local place here called Cook Out where I like to take my low carb pita and place the hamburger and toppings inside that.  I've also been to Chick-Fil-A and absolutely LOVE their Super Food Salad with grilled nuggets on it.

So, I do not feel that I've been deprived at all.  Making good choices is exactly that...a CHOICE.  There are certain places where I feel like I can eat as healthy there as I can at home.  There are other places that I just know I should totally stay away from!  Like Pizza Hut.  Man, how I dearly love pizza.  But I can never stop at just one slice, so it's just not good for me to go into that place.

Over the last 90 days, I've been able to consistently work out, and have an amazing partner that is right there with me, 3 days a week, at 6:30 in the morning, cheering me on, or yelling, or whatever it takes to get me motivated!!!  And my boys, Justin (who writes out all our workouts) and Clayton, and my husband are my biggest fans.  They are faithfully at the gym every single time with me!  What more can you ask than for the entire family to be working out together?!  I mean, seriously, how often does that happen?  And yet that's my reality.

But the weight loss has been slow.  Very slow.  And I've been discouraged and wanted to quit.  Lots of days I just really think, "This is useless, stupid, not worth it!"

And I was feeling like that over the weekend, when the scales said that I'd stayed the same.  Again.  But then I walked past my fridge and caught a glimpse of a photo that I have on there from 10 years ago.  Back before I really cared.  Before my heart was interested in giving this struggle to the Lord.  Really before I even knew how deep this sin went in my life.  And I posted the photo as a "throwback Thursday" thing on my Facebook page.

Then a friend suggested that I take a current photo and place them together.  So I had a friend snap a picture on Easter Sunday, and I put them together on Instagram...

So, if a picture is worth 1,000 words, then THESE 2 pictures represent at LEAST 2,000 things that I've said out loud or whispered to myself.

Every single day I struggle with being tired of fighting this battle!  When I wake up in the morning, the first thing that I have to think about is what I'm going to eat.  As someone who is addicted to food, that is almost more than I can bear!

Food.

Constant thoughts about food.

Make menus.

Shop.

Prepare.

Put away.

Choices.

Recipes.

Budget.

Breakfast.

Snack.

Lunch.

Snack.

Dinner.

It's a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute "thorn in the flesh" that becomes overwhelming in a HURRY.

There is no "spur of the moment" allowance to a friend's request of "let's have lunch."  You have to plan and prep and be strategic in every single detail.

And it gets exhausting.

But seeing these photos side by side has renewed my commitment to stay the course.

Ten YEARS is a long time to be battling something, anything.  But I have to remember how far God has brought me.  Lots of tears.  Lots of push ups and squats.  Lots of failures.  Lots of accomplishments.  A lot of learning!

So, here's to day 90 of a countless number of many more days to come.

God is Good.

All the time.

Good-Bye, old friend....

Today is the last day of 2015.

It's been a tough, rough year.

I've risen up to some BIG challenges.  And I've fallen.  And gotten up.  And fallen down again.

I've said good-bye to my father.  Rather unexpectedly.  And it was hard.

And now I find myself having to say good-bye to another "friend," after my first visit to a psychiatrist on Wednesday morning.

The story goes that, a few months ago, my primary doctor suspected that I had Binge Eating Disorder, based on my answers to some questions she asked me.  She prescribed medication (which helped with some things, but which I'm no longer taking) and suggested I see the psychiatrist.

I sat in his office and he asked a myriad of questions about family history, any past abuse, social, sexual, psychological information...really deep, invasive stuff!  And his conclusion was that I actually do NOT have the eating disorder!  Rather, I am merely exhibiting a symptom of something larger that we need to get to the bottom of.  And here's where the "good-bye" comes in.

He has challenged me to walk away, say good-bye to, to leave fast food forever!  Well, he said he'd like to see my leave it forever, but at least until I see him again on February 4th.

Wow.

This has me wrestling.  Mainly because I am also seeing a Biblical counselor and he brought in the Godly perspective of the fact that I need to seek the Lord and ask Him about it.  But what he didn't know is that the Lord had already been dealing with me about this very issue since a sermon our pastor preached on December 20th really convicted me!  (Isn't God amazing how He works things out like that?)

And sitting in the counselor's office, I said, "He's asking me to say good-bye to an old friend!"  And his reply struck me, "But is this friend really a friend?  Because it's killing you, and that's more like an enemy."

Ouch.

It's so much like a drug!  It really is.  And as I'm sifting through my heart, I keep getting these words:

Deception, deceit, secrecy, habit, pattern, theft; all words that I've heard used with addicts.

My mind has been so TAKEN OVER by this addiction to food, and not just "food" in general, but fast food in particular.  I have, in the last 8 months, become a McDonald's and Taco Bell junkie.  Really, any place with a drive-thru where I could get it and eat it in private, toss the wrappers, hide the "stuff."  Sometimes I was doing that twice a day.

And now I'm being challenged to give it up.

Can I just say, this is hard!

My husband says, "It's killing you, why are you struggling to let go?  You should be RUNNING away!"  And he is right.  I should be.

But,you know what?   The food isn't what I crave.  So what is it?

I. Don't. Know.

That's the hardest part, and that's where I'm stuck.  I don't KNOW what I "get" from eating that food.  And so, this is where I'm at...

I'm accepting the challenge (along with a couple of other things he's asked me to do, which I'll blog about later), and I'm going to be taking the next 2 weeks (until I see the Biblical counselor again) to really go deep inside my heart and ask the Lord to show me what I'm trying to "get" out of the food that I think I need.

So as this year comes to a close, and a brand new one dawns in the morning, I'm going into it with questions, with some fear, and I'm asking the Lord to grow my faith and to help me to trust Him with whatever He has planned.