Clawing my way out....

It's been 2.5 months since my last post, and even as I sit on the couch typing this, my heart is racing and I have anxious feelings inside.

I love the "Anne of Green Gables" movies, and the best way to describe how I feel is a quote from Anne Shirley...I've fallen into "the depths of despair."

Really; I haven't known as much darkness as I've faced over the last 2 months.  Sometimes you think that when you bury someone, all the "stuff" that went along with relationship to the person is buried as well.  But it's not.

I feel like so many, many things just surfaced after my Dad's death.  Things I either didn't want to deal with or had no idea were there.

My sleep is attacked with horrible nightmares and disturbing dreams.  Many nights I'm awakened by my own sobs as I struggle out of the scary places in those dreams.

My precious husband is beside himself to know what else to do for me, as he prays over me, checks on me to the point of driving me crazy.

And so today, on the first day of a new month, I'm climbing, clawing my way out of this dark tunnel.  I climbed onto the scales this morning and find that awful number of 249...that's 10 pounds that have found their way back onto my body.

I have found myself sabotaging like NEVER before.  Thoughts of being undeserving to live, not being worth taking care of, what's the point to try to be healthy?, all these things have taken over my brain and my body.

And honestly, I don't even feel strong enough to jump back into the "health game" today, but I know I have to start somewhere.

So, I post today, and ask, unashamedly, for your prayers, for your support, for your encouragement.  I MUST do this to save my own life.  Christ calls me to.