I'm Angry

Yes, I'm angry, and I'm not sure why. 

It's been with me for 2 solid days now.  I find my teeth clenched.  I realize my hands are balled into fists.  There's a furrow on my brow.  What is going on?

I've been searching through my heart to try to realize where it's coming from and the best I can do is find these couple of things:

I'm angry at God.  And I'm angry at myself.

Mad at God?  Is that ok?  Probably not, but I am.

I find myself immaturely saying to Him, "Why?!  Out of all the struggles in the WORLD, why did food have to be mine?  Couldn't you have given me something else?  I probably could've handled something else much better.  This isn't fair!"

Man, when I type that out and see it in front of me, it seems pretty stupid and childish.  But there it is.  This struggle with food is HARD.

There are people that struggle with pornography, and I understand that it is a real struggle for them, but I always say, "Well, my struggle is worse than yours because at least YOU can get rid of your computer, or put strong firewalls on it, you can stay away from strip clubs and have countless accountability partners, but I have to shop and cook and eat food to stay alive!  I can't get away from the object of MY struggle!"

The same for an alcoholic...they don't "have" to go to the liquor store or the bar.  But I have to go to the grocery store.  And it's all laid out there in the most attractive manner and I HATE that this is my struggle.

Which brings me to my second realization...I'm angry at myself.

Mad that I act like some out-of-control psyco that absolutely cannot trust herself with certain things at all!  I mean, I couldn't even make muffins for my family yesterday because I was afraid I wouldn't stop eating after I had just one!

Angry that I allowed myself to be so undisciplined in years past, and now I'm paying the price.

Upset that I can so easily get discouraged and have such a weak backbone in saying no some days. 

How does one full grown, American woman become such a basket case that she cannot even control herself with something so basic as FOOD?! 

It's just FOOD, people! 

And yet, it has gotten such a grip on me, that I find myself thinking about it, planning it, imagining the taste, smell, texture in my mind.

And so I go to the Lord in prayer, because that's the ONLY way I'm surviving these days, and He so gently hits me upside the head with a scripture, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:5 (emphasis added.)

Ah, there it is..."take every thought captive."  Yeah, that's where I've gone wrong.

I've allowed the enemy to send me down a rabbit trail in my thought life and instead of focusing on what blessing I can find in this struggle, on looking at any victory God has given me, on seeing and counting the many ways God has helped me make changes, I'm thinking all the wrong, negative thoughts.

So, I submissively confess my thought life.  I humbly repent for my sin.  And I make a conscious effort to submerge my mind in scripture, to fill my house with praise music, and to take back this territory from the enemy.

It's a process.  I have to remember that. 

Feel free to remind me!

Honesty- The best policy?

I'm struggling this morning with worry.  I woke up very early, which, if you read my previous post, you'll know isn't normal for me.

I can't decide if this worry is from the enemy, if it's a "fear of man," if it's just my own crazy mind playing tricks on me, but here's my nagging thought:

Am I being too honest? 

Is there such a thing?

I know I've received countless messages, both in person and on the computer, from people that have resonated with what I'm posting.  Just last night, a lady said to me, "Your transparency and honesty in your struggle has been such a blessing to me."

But still I wonder have I been too honest? 

Some people never share anything, they keep it all hidden within and give off a persona of everything being fine and you'll never know that inside they are falling apart.

There are others who will share a little bit, tell you part of their story, feel a little better, make a small connection with you and then shut down and still keep some things hidden.

And then there are people like me who have grown weary of the pretending and have decided that I need to be completely transparent and honest and share it all! 

So, I sit in my chair this morning, searching my heart and praying about this, trying to find out where it's coming from.

Because, quite honestly (no pun intended!), it has made me want to run to the refrigerator and eat!  Isn't that crazy?  Worry can do that?  Yes, to someone like me it does!

Which most likely gives me the answer I've been looking for; this MUST be from the enemy. 

So, I'll continue to be honest.  And continue to submit my heart and my fork to the Lord. 

It's not just the best policy- it's the ONLY one.

Hard Habit to Break

Webster defines habit as an act repeated so often by an individual that is has become automatic with him.  And that is what's on my mind this morning.

When thinking about how I got "here," to this weight/place/crisis in my life, what were the actions that propelled me? 

2 words: Bad  Habits.

I have a habit of sleeping too much.  I like to say that I don't do mornings.  And really, I truly believe I was made for second shift.  I've worked all three shifts at a nursing home at one time or another in my lifetime, and I truly function best on second shift, that 3-11 time slot fits me.  But too often I've used it as an excuse to not do something...get up in the morning, go exercise, attend a Bible study, etc.  And instead of disciplining myself to GET UP and start moving, I just complain, tell myself that I'm too tired, and roll over and go back to sleep.  A bad habit.

I have a habit of thinking I need something sweet after each meal.  Do you do this?  Is it absolutely necessary to have dessert?  NO!  But for some reason, it has become a habit.  I mean, seriously, I'm not even done with my meal before I'm thinking ahead about what I can eat that's sweet to cut the "salty" taste in my mouth?!  It's been very hard to step away from that habit these last couple of weeks.  And really, it's just a habit, because I'm totally fine without it.  And a piece of fruit will do the trick, if I think I absolutely HAVE to have something!  I guess maybe it goes back to childhood where a meal wasn't complete without dessert?  I don't know, but it's a bad habit, and I'm trying to break it.

I have a habit of getting on the internet before I read God's word.  This has probably been one of my more destructive habits.  It's so easy to think, "I just need to check my email, send a message, and then I'll get off and read my Bible."  Then you see someone has messaged you from facebook and you jump on there to answer them, and then you scroll through your newsfeed and then you're commenting and "liking" like a mad woman, and before you know it, 2 hours has gone by!  The computer/internet has become an addiction to me, a source of deep contention between my husband and I (for the record, my husband HATES the computer!), and it is something that I'm asking for God to help me walk away from.  The hardest part about it is that our society and the circles we move in have become dependent on the internet as their main source of communication!  So it becomes difficult to stay "in the know" if you decide to be radical and "get rid of the internet!"  But it is still a bad habit that has caused me to waste time, to lose valuable time that I'll never get back, and I'm repenting for that.

I have a bad habit of eating too fast.  This is a BIG one for me!  I eat quickly and unconsciously.  I haven't been paying attention to what I'm eating, which also means I'm not paying attention to HOW MUCH I'm eating, and therefore the calories rack up rather quickly!  We also have gotten away from eating at the table and instead, have moved to the living room, sitting in front of the T.V.  This MUST change.  It only creates more mindless eating, because we're engrossed in watching the screen instead of watching our fork.  And eating more slowly is something that I must do.  I've been making forcing myself to PUT THE FORK DOWN between bites.  I had never realized I'd been holding it in my hand throughout the entire meal!  Crazy, isn't it?  The eating habits of skinny people, if you've never noticed, is that they eat slowly, take small bites, put the fork down between those bites, and they converse during the meal.  Shoot, not me!  Which is why no one has ever called me a "skinny person!"  So, yes, a bad habit.  I've got to tell myself to "Slow down!  Enjoy!  Savor the flavor!"

So, there you have it...just a few of the bad habits that have contributed to my weight.  And they are HARD habits to break.  But with God's help, I'm going to create new, healthy habits!

Music Moves Me...

Here are some songs that really get my heart realigned when I start to go off kilter.

 God has used these 3 particular songs to speak to me over and over.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

"Shall We Dance?"

I absolutely LOVE to dance!  If you don't believe me, just ask any of my close friends and they'll tell you, "She's dance CRAZY!"

But I'll admit, I don't follow well...I like to lead.  Which is probably why most of the dancing I do is line dancing!  It requires a party of ONE. :)

Last night I was reading in a book that I've been studying through, and came across this little story that I thought fit me to a "t" and I want to share it here.

It is written by Pauline Lamarre, called "Asking for Guidance" from Christian Women Today.

"When I meditated on the word 'guidance,' I kept seeing the word 'dance' at the end of it.  I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

"When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.  The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.  When one person relaxes and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.  One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.  It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.  The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

"When I saw 'G' in guidance, I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i.'  And it hit me:  God, let's u (you), and I dance.  This statement is what guidance means to me.  As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.  Once again, I became willing to let God lead." (emphasis added)

Wow!  Is that awesome?  I mean, it describes exactly what I've been feeling these days.

I have to surrender.

I have to be willing.

I have to pay attention.

The Holy Spirit is faithful to give cues, to whisper gently, to nudge and guide.  But I have to LET HIM LEAD. 

Party - Hard

No, I'm not talking about partying hard!  I'm talking about parties being hard...to attend.

Today was my first real "test" and I'm not sure I passed. 

I don't think I failed, necessarily, because I was very conscious of the things that I was putting on my plate. 

And when it came to choosing a plate, I actually went for the small cake plate instead of the big dinner plate that was sitting there.

I stayed away from the sweet dessert stuff, tried to take only enough to amount to one bite of each thing that I put on my plate.

Until I took that bite of the warm onion/cream chees dip that someone made.

Oh. My. Goodness.

And then I kept finding myself dipping one Wheat Thin cracker, eating it and walking away.  Two times.  Three times.  Oh my word, what is wrong with me?  This is ridiculous! 

And I just wanted to leave the baby shower early because I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid dip!

Seriously?  I can't look around and try to find a conversation to get into instead of standing by this table and looking longingly at that dip like I would look at a window display at my favorite clothing or shoe store?

I finally decided that the only way I was going to conquer this was to just go to the other room, even if it meant sitting by myself, which I didn't have to do because there were others around. 

But it was the room where they were cutting the cake!  Man, I just can't get a break!

I did have cake.  A piece so small that it was gone in just 3 small bites.

Yes, I counted them.

Was it worth it?  No, because I had a headache from the sweetness of the icing by the time I got to the van.

But I came away from there with both a sense of accomplishment AND disappointment in myself.

I was proud that I had used the smaller plate, took tiny portions, didn't eat the sweet stuff from the buffet.

Disappointed in how I'd acted about that dumb dip!  And wishing I had just passed on the cake.

But back to the title of the blog...will it ever be easy to go to a party?  What can I do next time to avoid the pitfalls I fell into this time? 

I don't think food will ever lose it's total grip on me; at least that's how I feel today.  But I am praying fervently that I can step further and further from the buffet table and feast on conversation and fellowship more and more. 

But for now, parties are hard.

There's a price to pay...

My husband and I live on a budget, the "Dave Ramsey" envelope system, to be exact.  And so I know exactly how much money I have to spend for groceries, IN CASH, each week.  It's been that way for 25 years!  As the economy has changed, the price of food has risen, and so our grocery budget has increased to reflect that.

However, now that we're no longer buying processed food, junk stuff, cheap "fill-the-hole-with-this-carb" items, we're going to have to sit down and revamp said budget!

Because this week, I went to Kroger with a limited time frame, a list, and made it through the produce section and grabbed my low-carb bread and tortillas, and headed to the check out lane. 

$73 later, I was picking myself up off the floor! 

WHAT?!

Seventy-three dollars for fruit and vegetables and 2 loaves of bread and some tortillas?!

Excuse me, Mrs. President, since you're so concerned about the state of America's children and obesity, can we talk about the REAL reason the entire country is overweight?!

It's the PRICE OF HEALTHY FOOD!

Now, understand, I am a bargain hunter/coupon clipper/buy things on clearance kind of girl, all the way.  But guess what?  They don't put coupons in the Sunday paper for broccoli, or spinach, or apples.  It's double a $.50 coupon on Lay's Potato chips, but I need to spend almost $6.00 for a bag of good apples.  I could get 10 boxes of enriched macaroni for $10, or I could buy one a fair sized piece of wild caught salmon. 

So, what's a family to do?  How do we make this healthy lifestyle work?  How can we stretch the money to meet the need?

That's the topic of tonight's conversation over dinner on the date that my husband is getting ready to take me on.

I would LOVE to hear your feedback on how you make your money stretch to buy healthy, not necessarily organic, food to feed a family.