New Month - New Mercies

Yesterday was the first day of a new month and a new week, and I am ever-so-glad to see it come.  These past 2 weeks have brought all kinds of crazy, nasty weather, cold temperatures, bad roads, caused us to be homebound, and my husband had only worked 2 days out the last 14!

 

Which meant the money for groceries just wasn't there; so we ate out of the deep freeze and the emergency overstock in the basement pantry.  Not a lot of fresh fruit and veggies there.

 

I was up on the scales, and down on myself.

 

So yesterday was a day of recommitment for me.  On Saturday, I "borrowed" money from another envelope to go to the grocery store, since we had a forecast that promised some working weather!  And I got all the things I needed to get back on this low carb eating.

 

It's amazing how quickly the weight can come back ON, and yet is so reluctant to leave!  Quite frustrating, actually.

 

But it has to be done.  I do not like the way I was feeling over the last 2 weeks.  The lack of energy was unbelievable.  And my joints popped and cracked like a bag of fireworks!

 

My gym membership has also expired, and with no part-time job like I had last year to pay for it, I had to get creative.  So, while we were snowed in, we made a little workout station at the house, with the treadmill as the center piece, and all my little kettle bell weights and stability ball, yoga mat, and a few other things. 

I also moved my motivation board out of my bedroom and into my little home gym. 

It's what I see when I'm up on the treadmill.

I tried it out on Friday, and I think it's going to work just fine for me to do the exercising at home!  Which will save me a monthly fee and the cost of fuel.

 

Now the real issue is going to be "Will I USE it?"  It's just CRAZY how easily I become distracted and put off exercising, but I am pleading with the Lord to give me a drive to commit to this!  It can ONLY come from him, because I've already blogged about how much I hate to exercise!

 

And that's why I'm thankful for His mercies...they are NEW EVERY MORNING.  Which works out great for me, because I have to renew my commitment to this healthy lifestyle EVERY MORNING!

An Ounce of Prevention...

Today, on this frigid February day, I'm sitting in the surgery waiting room for the second time in 2 weeks, waiting on my father as he has another minor operation.  Today it's plastic surgery to deal with a very large hole that is on the bottom of his foot.

This particular "injury" began nearly 2 years ago and is the result of diabetes.  The bones in his feet have softened and had actually broken and come THROUGH the bottom of his foot, but he didn't realize it because he has almost no feeling in his feet and legs, due to nerve damage from the diabetes.

All of this to say that it COULD have been avoided, had he only taken his health seriously nearly 30 years ago when he was first told he was PRE-diabetic.

Where have I heard those words "pre-diabetic" before?  Oh yeah, just this past October, from my nutritionist.

Which brings me to TODAY when I'm struggling with mixed feelings about this WHOLE ordeal, both my father's AND mine!

I don't want to be the patient, lying on the surgery table; scheduling multiple doctor's appointments; remembering to take 23 prescriptions every day; going for dialysis 3x's a week.

I don't want to get to age 66 and not be able to stay awake through a conversation or go out of town to see my grandkids.

And just when I'm ready to give up and say, "Screw this stupid way of eating...give me some chips and chocolate!" I remember this feeling I'm having right now, which is FRUSTRATION!

The myriad of "If only's" come flooding into my mind. 

The questions of "Why didn't he?" play over and over in my mind.

And I don't want to have to look at my husband and sons and say, "You weren't worth it to me." 

Now, my father has NEVER said that to me or my brother, but his actions say it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

So, my prayer today is that God would bring healing to my father's foot, and that he will not lose it.

And my prayer for myself is to surrender my heart to the Lord again.  Which is a DAILY process. 

Because that "ounce of prevention is WORTH a POUND of cure!"

My Healthy Valentine

Holidays are challenging, and even a "small" holiday like Valentine's Day can be a killer to the eating plan...if you let it.

 

This particular holiday seems to be centered around candy, especially chocolate. 

Which I'm in LOVE with!!!

 

I wanted to take the time to make this day special, but I also didn't want to sabotage myself from meeting that birthday goal I talked about yesterday, so here's what our celebration dinner looked like:

 

I baked some 4 oz. salmon fillets, sautéed some frozen green beans, steamed and mashed cauliflower into mock mashed potatoes, added a cucumber to bagged salad, and splurged with ONE King's Hawaiian roll with no butter.  My tarter sauce I made with Hellman's Balsamic Mayo and relish that is sweetened with Splenda.

 

Now, for dessert I made these for myself...but I was willing to share with everyone! 

 

 

I melted my Ghirardelli 60% Cacao bittersweet chocolate chips with a small spoonful of coconut oil in the microwave and then dipped my strawberries in there and put them in the fridge until we were ready for dessert.  So very yummy!  I had 3 of them over the course of the evening.

 

And so, we enjoyed each other's company, had a very relaxing dinner by candlelight; the guys even were willing to watch a "chick flick" with me after dinner!  And there was absolutely ZERO guilt in this holiday dinner.

 

Which left me with BIG smiles!!!

 

Setting Goals

Typically, I'm not a goal-oriented person.  If you talk to the one who knows me best, "he" would tell you that I'm more of a "last-minute-fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" kinda girl!  And he's right!

When company's coming, I usually wait until the day of their arrival, and then do what he calls "The Flight of the Bumblebee" type house cleaning!!!

Hey, it keeps life interesting.  :)

But in this journey of weight loss and health, I've found that setting goals is helpful.  Even if they're small.  Because, let's face it, looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing, after that one pound loss, you still have 99 pounds to go, is a little overwhelming!!!

So, now that I've reached into the 230's, and since today is ONE MONTH away from my birthday, I'm setting a small goal for myself of being at 229 on March 13th.

Kind of a birthday gift to myself.

So, is it possible for me to lose 10 pounds in one month?

I'm not sure, but I can tell you that I'm most definitely going to try!!!

Old Habits and Major Breakthroughs

Since I last blogged, I can honestly say it's been a TERIBBLE time in my weight loss journey.

I have learned that the old adage is true, "Old habits die hard!"

I am a stress eater...and the last couple of weeks have been filled to the brim with stress.  And hospitals.  And vending machines at that hospital.  And poor choices.

But guess what?!  I survived, relatively unscathed...maybe a little bit messed up from the Coke and the crackers, the stop at the drive-thru on the way home, but overall, I recovered.

And I've learned something about myself.

I am stronger than I think!

Which leads me to the second half of the blog title:  "Major Breakthroughs."

I've been struggling with my weight for just about my whole life; most definitely since I was 15 years old.  And trust me, that was a LONG time ago!

For approximately the last 10 years, I have lost and gained the same 15-20 pounds over and over.  Always I could get down to 240 pounds and I just couldn't go any lower than that.  In fact, it was 1997 when I took Phen-Fen and lost 40 pounds and got down to 200.  Then I got pregnant, gained 46 pounds and never lost it again!  So for many, many years I've been struggling to break through that window of the 240's into anything lower!

It always seemed like there was a wall, a definite barrier that satan himself had set up against me.  Seriously, I know it sounds stupid, but I mean it...the enemy of my soul also was the enemy of my body!  Every time I would come close, it seemed like something would hit me, and I would be stressed and eating and that number would escape me!  Constant sabotage of myself.  It was insane!

A few weeks ago, I was on a mission to reach 239 before I went to see my son graduate from Army Basic Training.  On the morning that we left, I was 240.2.  Yes, I was disappointed.  But I knew I was close.

And then the trip happened, which went great, as far as eating goes.  But there's something about travel that messes with your body.  And I saw the scales go up.

And then a stressful situation within the family, and I found myself off my eating plan and just plowing through the bag of chips.  And I saw the scales go up.

Enter that wonderful "time of the month" and I have an uncontrollable urge for chocolate.  And I saw the scales keep going up.

Needless to say, I was discouraged.  But thank God for Christian people that are walking me through this 8 week program at the doctor's office.  We spent some time in prayer together for us to all get back on track, and that was so helpful for me.

I decided right then and there that I needed to recommit myself, my heart, and my fork to the Lord and go back to the strict 14 day plan.  And it has been super-helpful!

Which brings me to this morning, to when I stepped on the scales and they said, "239.6!"  And I called my husband to come into the bathroom to verify what they said, just in case I wasn't reading them correctly! :)

And I feel like a HUGE victory has been won; a wall torn down; a barrier broken!!!!  Which gives me the confidence to keep pressing on, keep focused.  And reach the NEXT weight "bracket."

220's, HERE I COME!!!!

Dreaming....

Sometimes I find myself day dreaming, and lately my day dreams consist of those things that will be "possible" when I've lost weight.  Things that I've missed that other people take for granted.

 

Things like this:

I have NEVER weighed less than my husband.  He's never been able to pick me up and carry me around.  I've never been able to wear his shirts or had him offer me his jacket and be able to wear it.  And that is hard to live with. 

 

But I'm dreaming about the day that it will happen!

It bothers me that I have to shop in the plus size department.  And those styles aren't always cute.  More like clothes from a tent factory, a lot of times.  I want to shop in the "regular" department, to be able to choose from the cute stuff.  To put together outfits like these and be able to find something to wear in ANY store I walk into!

 

I'm working on it!

We don't go on vacation...at least not anything "planned" and saved for.  We make trips to see family up north, and that's about it.  One of the reasons I stay away from vacation spots like the beach is pretty self-explanatory, don't ya think?!  I don't have any desire for a "bikini body" but I do desire to be comfortable at the beach!  I dream about that.

 

And it will come!

Now, I understand that these are all MATERIAL things; things that are simplistic, surface stuff that shouldn't matter, but THEY DO, doggone it!  I'm being serious...when I'm watching a movie and a guy just comes in and sweeps a girl up in his arms, that HURTS!  I want it to happen to ME!

 

When I'm shopping with friends and they want to go to Old Navy or Rue 21 or Aeropostle, THAT HURTS!  I try not to let it.  I truly DO want to be happy for them and not make them feel bad for me...but I can't shop there. 

 

Other people are posting vacation pictures from the beach and they look great in a bathing suit and look so happy wearing shorts or cute skirts, holding their shoes in one hand and their husband's hand with the other, walking into the sunset...and it HURTS!  Because we've never done that!  I want that.

 

So, I will continue to dream.  And continue to pursue my dreams.  And ask for God's help in making them become reality for me. 

 

 

 

Super Bowl

It's Super Bowl week, a time my guys look forward to...and typically a night filled with friends, FOOD, and lots of fun.

But this year, I'm thinking about it a little differently.  And I'm warning you that THIS blog is going to get REALLY personal, super REAL, here in just a minute.

When you hear guys talking about the Super Bowl, the 2 teams that are playing against each other, their strengths and weaknesses, the PLAYERS always come up (of course!).  Have you ever heard a conversation like this at your house or workplace:

"Man, the ______'s have a real chance this year!  Their quarterback is on fire!  He's 6'2" and weighs 199 lbs."

"Well, I don't know, because the _______'s have an amazing front line.  That one guy is 6'6" and weighs 240 lbs.  He could crush the quarterback like a bug!"

Sound familiar?  Well, it does to me!  And when I hear those conversations, I really just want to shrink away.

Why?

Because I weigh more than those line backers!

No, seriously!  I've just finished researching it!

The Seattle Seahawks have 68 players on their roster listed with their heights and weights, and I went through the list and 34 of them weigh less than I do!  That's right, people...HALF of the Seahawks football team weighs LESS than me!

Now, granted, that number would have been higher a few months ago, but still can you understand the feeling it gives me when I hear people say, "Man, that guys is HUGE!  He must weigh like 235?!"

Know why that bothers me?  Because, as of this morning, I weigh 242.8  Yes, after our little trip to Georgia, I gained some.  Before we went, I was at 240.

So, there you have it...my numbers from the scale, out here on a world-wide blog for everyone to see!

But I have to do it.  I have to put it out there.  Because if I keep hiding it, I feel like it's going to choke me!  For far too long I have allowed the number to define me, to control me, to manipulate my day/week/life!

Does it make it any easier to hear guys talk about their favorite football linebacker and know that I outweigh him?  No.

But it does tear down a curtain of fear.  It allows me to say, "You know what?  Yes, I'm overweight.  I know it.  You know it.  But it's ok because I'm working on it.  And it doesn't really matter what the scale says.  What matters is how I feel inside."

Now, the HARD part is transferring that "knowledge" from my head to my heart and really believing it! 

But I'm working on it.

And "GO, HAWKS!"