The First 90 Days

Today is finally here...day 90 that I have managed to not step foot inside a McDonald's or Taco Bell.  I'm overwhelmed by the goodness and the grace of almighty God for keeping me!

I did want to clarify that this journey has not meant that I've not eaten out at all.  I HAVE eaten at Subway a few times, and at a local place here called Cook Out where I like to take my low carb pita and place the hamburger and toppings inside that.  I've also been to Chick-Fil-A and absolutely LOVE their Super Food Salad with grilled nuggets on it.

So, I do not feel that I've been deprived at all.  Making good choices is exactly that...a CHOICE.  There are certain places where I feel like I can eat as healthy there as I can at home.  There are other places that I just know I should totally stay away from!  Like Pizza Hut.  Man, how I dearly love pizza.  But I can never stop at just one slice, so it's just not good for me to go into that place.

Over the last 90 days, I've been able to consistently work out, and have an amazing partner that is right there with me, 3 days a week, at 6:30 in the morning, cheering me on, or yelling, or whatever it takes to get me motivated!!!  And my boys, Justin (who writes out all our workouts) and Clayton, and my husband are my biggest fans.  They are faithfully at the gym every single time with me!  What more can you ask than for the entire family to be working out together?!  I mean, seriously, how often does that happen?  And yet that's my reality.

But the weight loss has been slow.  Very slow.  And I've been discouraged and wanted to quit.  Lots of days I just really think, "This is useless, stupid, not worth it!"

And I was feeling like that over the weekend, when the scales said that I'd stayed the same.  Again.  But then I walked past my fridge and caught a glimpse of a photo that I have on there from 10 years ago.  Back before I really cared.  Before my heart was interested in giving this struggle to the Lord.  Really before I even knew how deep this sin went in my life.  And I posted the photo as a "throwback Thursday" thing on my Facebook page.

Then a friend suggested that I take a current photo and place them together.  So I had a friend snap a picture on Easter Sunday, and I put them together on Instagram...

So, if a picture is worth 1,000 words, then THESE 2 pictures represent at LEAST 2,000 things that I've said out loud or whispered to myself.

Every single day I struggle with being tired of fighting this battle!  When I wake up in the morning, the first thing that I have to think about is what I'm going to eat.  As someone who is addicted to food, that is almost more than I can bear!

Food.

Constant thoughts about food.

Make menus.

Shop.

Prepare.

Put away.

Choices.

Recipes.

Budget.

Breakfast.

Snack.

Lunch.

Snack.

Dinner.

It's a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute "thorn in the flesh" that becomes overwhelming in a HURRY.

There is no "spur of the moment" allowance to a friend's request of "let's have lunch."  You have to plan and prep and be strategic in every single detail.

And it gets exhausting.

But seeing these photos side by side has renewed my commitment to stay the course.

Ten YEARS is a long time to be battling something, anything.  But I have to remember how far God has brought me.  Lots of tears.  Lots of push ups and squats.  Lots of failures.  Lots of accomplishments.  A lot of learning!

So, here's to day 90 of a countless number of many more days to come.

God is Good.

All the time.

60 Days of Victory

Yes, today, it's been 60 days since I've walked into or driven through the line at Taco Bell or McDonald's.  I can hardly believe it myself, but it's true.

So, what have I been doing for the past 60 days?  Learning a LOT.

Learning about myself.

Learning about food.  About triggers.  About what tastes good, what's not worth the money or the headache, about what I like and don't like.

And I've been learning to listen.

Listening to my body.  To really pay attention to what it's craving (good things.)

And listening to the Lord.

I'm recognizing His voice more quickly these days.

You see, I'm not doing a "plan."  Not following a specific diet.

That's one of the things I've learned over the past 60 days; I put too much faith and hope in "the plan" to fix me.  When that plan doesn't work, then I'm down, depressed, looking for a new "plan."

But the One that I need to put my faith and hope and trust in is Christ!  He is the creator of my body.  He is the creator of the best food for this body.  So why not ask Him what I need to eat?

So that's what I've been doing.  With every bite.  Well, I've tried to ask Him at every bite.  It hasn't always happened that way, but I've definitely been submitting myself to Him and His plans for my body more and more!!!  And it's working.

Slowly.  Like only 1/2 to 1 pound a week.  But it's working.

I've learned a lot.  I've listened a lot.  And I still have so far to go.

Sweet Communion

Yesterday was our church's regular communion Sunday.  And I can't remember the last time it was so deeply emotional and moving for me.

The previous Communion Sunday was January 3rd, and I didn't take communion that morning.  You can read about that here.

While we were reflecting, I was overcome by what God has done for me in the last 30+ days.  The chains that have been broken, the years/decades of bondage that He has freed me from; the miracles He's been working in my heart and life; the way He's restoring my relationship with my husband after so many years of deceit over the food and money.  It really was just overwhelming to me.  

This song is one that touches me DEEPLY, and it was the song we sang as we came forward for communion...it is absolutely true, you CAN trade your ashes for beauty, you CAN wear forgiveness like a crown; come and kiss the feet of mercy, lay EVERY burden down at the foot of the cross. 

You've won my heart.

You have given me life.

I am made complete.  

A Picture is worth....

While scrolling through my Facebook news feed today, this picture popped up from a friend in Washington and it started me down memory lane.

 

 Do you know what this is?  Let me tell you.

It's a Ding-Dong, wrapped in aluminum foil like they used to make them in the 70's.

This is where my food addiction all started.  

When I was 6 years old, I used to walk home from school, go into the house, and run to the kitchen to grab the box of these and the chips, and go into the living room to watch the 

"After School Special."  Every day.  

These yummy chocolate goodies were my faithful friend!  I knew they would be there for me each day, just waiting to make me happy.  

And so food became my friend, my companion, my comfort.

I am still sorting through some of my father's things, and there are lots of photo albums.  While flipping through them, I came across this photo...

and instantly I was transported to a very painful time and place.  Shame started to engulf me, I wanted to cry, but what I really wanted to do was to go back in time and reach out to my 15 year old self and just hug her.

This Christmas day was so painful; it was the day that my Dad announced at the big family dinner table that I was fat, and that he was tired of buying bigger and bigger clothes for me.  

It was embarrassing and hurtful, but also so devastating to know that I was a source of disappointment and shame for my family.  

My reaction wasn't good...I became angry!  And I attacked my weight out of that anger, and lost 50 lbs that next year.  

But I didn't do it with the right motivations, or for the right reasons.  

And I never loved "that" girl again.  

I really began believing the lies that were ushered in on that Christmas Day.  The thoughts that "outward appearance is paramount," that you must protect yourself from people, the thought that "I" am a disappointment, not good enough...oh, if only I could go back to this girl and speak to her with kindness.  How many decades of hurting, pain, brokenness could have been avoided?

And so, tonight, I'm headed to bed with some pretty tender feelings going on, some deep emotions that I haven't thought about for a while, but I'm so thankful that I can apply the TRUTH of God's Word to these painful places...to know that I am enough.  I am loved.  I am accepted.  

I'm singing a song from my childhood years:

Jesus loves me, this I know,

For the Bible tells me so.

Little (and BIG) ones to Him belong,

They are weak BUT

He is strong!

"31"

Not the storage bag party company...no, not "that" thirty-one.

It's been THIRTY-ONE days since I've had fast food!  Honestly, if you had told me a month ago that I could do it, I would have said, "There's NO way!  NONE!"

I've struggled with food/secret eating/being overweight since I was 6 years old.  That's 40 YEARS!

But God.

It is Him alone that has gotten me through this past month.  I have merely tried to be obedient, tried to be quiet so I can hear Him, and really taken my hands off of this whole thing and allowed Him control.  Which is HUGE!!!

You can learn a lot in 31 days.  Here are a few things I've learned:

1. The scale is not always your friend.  It will lie and it will withhold evidence of great things you've been doing.  Keep doing them anyway.  More battles are being one than can be measured here.

2. Listen to your family.  My husband tells me some of the very same things that the 'professionals' are telling me, but for some stupid reason, I always tend to blow him off and yet take the doctors seriously.  So, I'm learning to listen to this man God has given to me. :)

3. Be Prepared.  Like a Boy Scout!  Every time!  Seriously, just plan ahead, even if you just think you're only going to run ONE ERRAND.  Still, think ahead and imagine "what if..."  Just do it!  It has saved me so many times in the last month to stash almonds in my car, (Thanks, Kate!) to have extra water with me, and to eat before I leave the house.  Fruit, nuts, protein bars, protein powder, having those things in the car or my purse are LIFE SAVING when it comes to making good choices.

4. Feast on God's Word!  This.  I cannot say enough about this.  It is becoming my FOOD, what I need more than anything to make it through the day.  I'm digging deep into Romans, and my goodness, it's so rich, like the best chocolate cake!!!  I'm trying to dig up old buried passages that I committed to memory as a child (thanks, Mom and Dad for sending me to Christian schools that "made" us memorize scripture), and freshen it to have on hand when the enemy attacks.

5. Move!  Yes, exercise.  If you have read my blog, you will remember that I do not enjoy sweating!  But I had made a commitment to exercise 4 times a week, and I've been able to do that, thanks to the help of my husband (he's paying the membership AND going with me), my oldest son, who is writing out workouts for me, my youngest son who is tagging along and getting fit, and my precious friend Kathy, who is my faithful 6:30 a.m. workout partner!  We beat each other up, sweat like mad women, talk all sorts of trash, and love every minute of it!!!

There are many, many more things that I have learned, but those are my top 5 for now.  

I would encourage anyone who reads this blog to do 3 things:

Ask God for help, if you're struggling with food/addictions.  He DOES care about this area of your life.

Seek out friends or family that you can trust to help hold you accountable, to work out with you, to give you support.

Start today.  Don't do what I did and think, "Well, let's wait until Monday, or let's wait til the 1st of the month."  Start now.  With the next meal!  You're worth it!!!

Do You Believe?

Since I last posted, MANY amazing things have taken place.  Where do I start?

First, my last fast food meal was on December 30th at Taco Bell, so if you do the math, I'm 14 days "fast-food-free!"  

That may not sound like much to you, but for me?!  That's a MIRACLE.

Which leads me to the next great thing...

On Sunday, January 3rd, during our communion time at church, I felt led of the Lord to ask a friend to pray for me for healing of this addiction.  She, too, has struggled with eating disorders, and she very graciously prayed over me and we believed together that God could do a miracle in my life.

I specifically asked God to "take away the desire, the very CRAVING for this food.  Please, be my food, my drink, my bread!"  Those were my words.  And guess what?  

HE. DID. IT.

I'm serious.  It has been miraculous.  I have not had one single craving for McDonald's.  It is amazing that I do not even SEE the restaurants as I'm driving around my area.  

Usually before I would see the "golden arches" and immediately my mouth would start watering, my stomach start growling, I could taste the salt...it was insane how just SEEING something would get me started.  But since that Sunday morning, all that is gone!

Sometimes, divine healing looks like a person with cancer being declared cancer-free, or a deaf person being able to hear, or sight being restored, all after being prayed for and anointed with oil.

But sometimes it looks like the chains of bondage from addictions being broken, and a person being able to walk away from stuffing food in their face!  

It looks like a woman being able to remain SANE when she goes shopping alone. 

It is manifested in a person being able to be completely honest with her husband about how much money was spent and what it was spent on.

It means no hidden food wrappers.

Or guilt.

No shame.

And all of that comes from praying and BELIEVING that God can heal!

Good-Bye, old friend....

Today is the last day of 2015.

It's been a tough, rough year.

I've risen up to some BIG challenges.  And I've fallen.  And gotten up.  And fallen down again.

I've said good-bye to my father.  Rather unexpectedly.  And it was hard.

And now I find myself having to say good-bye to another "friend," after my first visit to a psychiatrist on Wednesday morning.

The story goes that, a few months ago, my primary doctor suspected that I had Binge Eating Disorder, based on my answers to some questions she asked me.  She prescribed medication (which helped with some things, but which I'm no longer taking) and suggested I see the psychiatrist.

I sat in his office and he asked a myriad of questions about family history, any past abuse, social, sexual, psychological information...really deep, invasive stuff!  And his conclusion was that I actually do NOT have the eating disorder!  Rather, I am merely exhibiting a symptom of something larger that we need to get to the bottom of.  And here's where the "good-bye" comes in.

He has challenged me to walk away, say good-bye to, to leave fast food forever!  Well, he said he'd like to see my leave it forever, but at least until I see him again on February 4th.

Wow.

This has me wrestling.  Mainly because I am also seeing a Biblical counselor and he brought in the Godly perspective of the fact that I need to seek the Lord and ask Him about it.  But what he didn't know is that the Lord had already been dealing with me about this very issue since a sermon our pastor preached on December 20th really convicted me!  (Isn't God amazing how He works things out like that?)

And sitting in the counselor's office, I said, "He's asking me to say good-bye to an old friend!"  And his reply struck me, "But is this friend really a friend?  Because it's killing you, and that's more like an enemy."

Ouch.

It's so much like a drug!  It really is.  And as I'm sifting through my heart, I keep getting these words:

Deception, deceit, secrecy, habit, pattern, theft; all words that I've heard used with addicts.

My mind has been so TAKEN OVER by this addiction to food, and not just "food" in general, but fast food in particular.  I have, in the last 8 months, become a McDonald's and Taco Bell junkie.  Really, any place with a drive-thru where I could get it and eat it in private, toss the wrappers, hide the "stuff."  Sometimes I was doing that twice a day.

And now I'm being challenged to give it up.

Can I just say, this is hard!

My husband says, "It's killing you, why are you struggling to let go?  You should be RUNNING away!"  And he is right.  I should be.

But,you know what?   The food isn't what I crave.  So what is it?

I. Don't. Know.

That's the hardest part, and that's where I'm stuck.  I don't KNOW what I "get" from eating that food.  And so, this is where I'm at...

I'm accepting the challenge (along with a couple of other things he's asked me to do, which I'll blog about later), and I'm going to be taking the next 2 weeks (until I see the Biblical counselor again) to really go deep inside my heart and ask the Lord to show me what I'm trying to "get" out of the food that I think I need.

So as this year comes to a close, and a brand new one dawns in the morning, I'm going into it with questions, with some fear, and I'm asking the Lord to grow my faith and to help me to trust Him with whatever He has planned.