Where Am I?

I've had lots of people ask me, "How are you doing?  Where are you at in your weight loss journey?"  So I thought today might be a good day to bring everyone up to speed.

To update my last post (before the picture story of my son), it's now been 131 days since I've walked through the doors of my 2 former hangouts.

But walking through the doors is just a formality.  In my heart, I desire to return.

I find myself in some dark, uncharted territory.

I am struggling.  Vacillating.  I always seem to be somewhere between desiring to do what God wants me to do, and driving around and around the McDonald's parking lot.

Our church is currently studying through the book of I Samuel and we're in the chapters where Saul is becoming impatient of waiting on God.  And I am SO DEEPLY identifying with Saul!  And I HATE that!  I want to be the "man after God's own heart," the one that is constantly searching and running after God, who despises their sin and hates anything that God hates.

But I'm not that person.

I'm lazy.

I am rebellious.

I love quick fixes and fast food and easy answers.

I think I have the answers, that "I can handle it."

It's so easy to raise my hands on Sunday morning, to cry tears and confess sin and pray prayers of repentance.

But then it's Monday, and the house is a wreck, it's time to go grocery shopping, and everyone's rushing to meet the demands of the outside world and I find myself turning to the wrong things to meet the needs that arise within me.  

Or using the excuse that "I'm exhausted from the weekend" to stay in bed and not go to the gym.

I've allowed the first anniversary of my father's death and memorial service to overwhelm my thoughts and though I've TRIED and striven to keep control of where those thoughts take me, I have found myself being drawn into places of darkness again.

Honestly, I'm scared right now of the place I'm in.  I don't like it.  I want to get out.  I feel lonely and weak...so very, very weak.

I know that it's a season.  This will not last forever.  It could be hormonal or physical or emotional issues at play.

But for now, today, it's where I am.

There are a few things that I'm going to do to try to help myself; I'm going to get dressed.  I'm going to leave the house and get out in the sunshine.  And I'm going to meet a friend and have some adult conversation over a yummy lunch.

If you're reading this, and you know that prayer works, I do ask for you to pray for me this week.  I need it.

I want to get back on top.  To find my will power.  To be in close communion with God.  To desire to care for my health.  To count the reasons that I SHOULD care for myself.

Can you remind me?  Not just platitudes and canned answers.  Be firm with me.  Be in my face.  Help me lift up my arms.  Because today, I have no strength.

Ripple Effect

I'm sure that everyone knows what the "ripple effect" is, but just in case, I'll explain it a little bit.

When you toss a pebble into a pond, there's the initial point of contact, but once the stone hits the water, there are ripples, almost like rings, that go out from the center point.  What you did by throwing the stone now has a bigger effect on the water.  

And so today I'm talking about the ripple effect that my health has on my family, and one POSITIVE effect that has taken place in our house.

My eating habits do not affect me alone.  No, sadly, with ANY addiction, whether it be drugs or alcohol, gambling or pornography, the choices of the addict affect EVERYONE that is in their lives.  And such is the case with my eating.  When I shop for groceries, since I am the only one that does that, my choices of what comes into the house greatly affect those that will be consuming this food that has been purchased.  

Enter my young son, who has a predisposition just like me to struggle with weight issues.  And one day I wake up to realize that he's rapidly gaining weight.

(Me and Clayton on his 12th birthday)

I knew I didn't want this life for my child, but I had not had that crisis experience yet.  And so we continued to eat out of control.  And he, and I, grew.

(Age 13)

(Age 14)

(Age 15)

And then I went to the doctor and had that "Come to Jesus" moment when I realized that I was headed straight for diabetes and kidney failure, heart attack and stroke if I didn't turn around!  

And my older son entered the military and challenged us to get fit while he was gone.  And we began the journey together as a family.  And changes started happening.

(Age 16, at his brother's graduation)

(after he got his license and was headed to prom)

(celebrating his 17th at the shooting range with dad and bro)

(fitting into a size medium shirt!)

(Celebrating Easter together)

My encouragement to you today is this: you CAN change the course.  You CAN make the ripple effects POSITIVE.  What you DO in front of your kids is MORE important that what you say.  That old adage says, "Actions speak louder than words."  

I can tell my son to exercise and eat right because it's good for you, but if I'm saying that while eating a pan of brownies, is that effective?  

Or I can say, "Let's go to the gym together!" and change both HIS life AND mine!

I'm so thankful for how God has given me a chance to reverse the ripple effect.

The First 90 Days

Today is finally here...day 90 that I have managed to not step foot inside a McDonald's or Taco Bell.  I'm overwhelmed by the goodness and the grace of almighty God for keeping me!

I did want to clarify that this journey has not meant that I've not eaten out at all.  I HAVE eaten at Subway a few times, and at a local place here called Cook Out where I like to take my low carb pita and place the hamburger and toppings inside that.  I've also been to Chick-Fil-A and absolutely LOVE their Super Food Salad with grilled nuggets on it.

So, I do not feel that I've been deprived at all.  Making good choices is exactly that...a CHOICE.  There are certain places where I feel like I can eat as healthy there as I can at home.  There are other places that I just know I should totally stay away from!  Like Pizza Hut.  Man, how I dearly love pizza.  But I can never stop at just one slice, so it's just not good for me to go into that place.

Over the last 90 days, I've been able to consistently work out, and have an amazing partner that is right there with me, 3 days a week, at 6:30 in the morning, cheering me on, or yelling, or whatever it takes to get me motivated!!!  And my boys, Justin (who writes out all our workouts) and Clayton, and my husband are my biggest fans.  They are faithfully at the gym every single time with me!  What more can you ask than for the entire family to be working out together?!  I mean, seriously, how often does that happen?  And yet that's my reality.

But the weight loss has been slow.  Very slow.  And I've been discouraged and wanted to quit.  Lots of days I just really think, "This is useless, stupid, not worth it!"

And I was feeling like that over the weekend, when the scales said that I'd stayed the same.  Again.  But then I walked past my fridge and caught a glimpse of a photo that I have on there from 10 years ago.  Back before I really cared.  Before my heart was interested in giving this struggle to the Lord.  Really before I even knew how deep this sin went in my life.  And I posted the photo as a "throwback Thursday" thing on my Facebook page.

Then a friend suggested that I take a current photo and place them together.  So I had a friend snap a picture on Easter Sunday, and I put them together on Instagram...

So, if a picture is worth 1,000 words, then THESE 2 pictures represent at LEAST 2,000 things that I've said out loud or whispered to myself.

Every single day I struggle with being tired of fighting this battle!  When I wake up in the morning, the first thing that I have to think about is what I'm going to eat.  As someone who is addicted to food, that is almost more than I can bear!

Food.

Constant thoughts about food.

Make menus.

Shop.

Prepare.

Put away.

Choices.

Recipes.

Budget.

Breakfast.

Snack.

Lunch.

Snack.

Dinner.

It's a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute "thorn in the flesh" that becomes overwhelming in a HURRY.

There is no "spur of the moment" allowance to a friend's request of "let's have lunch."  You have to plan and prep and be strategic in every single detail.

And it gets exhausting.

But seeing these photos side by side has renewed my commitment to stay the course.

Ten YEARS is a long time to be battling something, anything.  But I have to remember how far God has brought me.  Lots of tears.  Lots of push ups and squats.  Lots of failures.  Lots of accomplishments.  A lot of learning!

So, here's to day 90 of a countless number of many more days to come.

God is Good.

All the time.

60 Days of Victory

Yes, today, it's been 60 days since I've walked into or driven through the line at Taco Bell or McDonald's.  I can hardly believe it myself, but it's true.

So, what have I been doing for the past 60 days?  Learning a LOT.

Learning about myself.

Learning about food.  About triggers.  About what tastes good, what's not worth the money or the headache, about what I like and don't like.

And I've been learning to listen.

Listening to my body.  To really pay attention to what it's craving (good things.)

And listening to the Lord.

I'm recognizing His voice more quickly these days.

You see, I'm not doing a "plan."  Not following a specific diet.

That's one of the things I've learned over the past 60 days; I put too much faith and hope in "the plan" to fix me.  When that plan doesn't work, then I'm down, depressed, looking for a new "plan."

But the One that I need to put my faith and hope and trust in is Christ!  He is the creator of my body.  He is the creator of the best food for this body.  So why not ask Him what I need to eat?

So that's what I've been doing.  With every bite.  Well, I've tried to ask Him at every bite.  It hasn't always happened that way, but I've definitely been submitting myself to Him and His plans for my body more and more!!!  And it's working.

Slowly.  Like only 1/2 to 1 pound a week.  But it's working.

I've learned a lot.  I've listened a lot.  And I still have so far to go.

Sweet Communion

Yesterday was our church's regular communion Sunday.  And I can't remember the last time it was so deeply emotional and moving for me.

The previous Communion Sunday was January 3rd, and I didn't take communion that morning.  You can read about that here.

While we were reflecting, I was overcome by what God has done for me in the last 30+ days.  The chains that have been broken, the years/decades of bondage that He has freed me from; the miracles He's been working in my heart and life; the way He's restoring my relationship with my husband after so many years of deceit over the food and money.  It really was just overwhelming to me.  

This song is one that touches me DEEPLY, and it was the song we sang as we came forward for communion...it is absolutely true, you CAN trade your ashes for beauty, you CAN wear forgiveness like a crown; come and kiss the feet of mercy, lay EVERY burden down at the foot of the cross. 

You've won my heart.

You have given me life.

I am made complete.  

A Picture is worth....

While scrolling through my Facebook news feed today, this picture popped up from a friend in Washington and it started me down memory lane.

 

 Do you know what this is?  Let me tell you.

It's a Ding-Dong, wrapped in aluminum foil like they used to make them in the 70's.

This is where my food addiction all started.  

When I was 6 years old, I used to walk home from school, go into the house, and run to the kitchen to grab the box of these and the chips, and go into the living room to watch the 

"After School Special."  Every day.  

These yummy chocolate goodies were my faithful friend!  I knew they would be there for me each day, just waiting to make me happy.  

And so food became my friend, my companion, my comfort.

I am still sorting through some of my father's things, and there are lots of photo albums.  While flipping through them, I came across this photo...

and instantly I was transported to a very painful time and place.  Shame started to engulf me, I wanted to cry, but what I really wanted to do was to go back in time and reach out to my 15 year old self and just hug her.

This Christmas day was so painful; it was the day that my Dad announced at the big family dinner table that I was fat, and that he was tired of buying bigger and bigger clothes for me.  

It was embarrassing and hurtful, but also so devastating to know that I was a source of disappointment and shame for my family.  

My reaction wasn't good...I became angry!  And I attacked my weight out of that anger, and lost 50 lbs that next year.  

But I didn't do it with the right motivations, or for the right reasons.  

And I never loved "that" girl again.  

I really began believing the lies that were ushered in on that Christmas Day.  The thoughts that "outward appearance is paramount," that you must protect yourself from people, the thought that "I" am a disappointment, not good enough...oh, if only I could go back to this girl and speak to her with kindness.  How many decades of hurting, pain, brokenness could have been avoided?

And so, tonight, I'm headed to bed with some pretty tender feelings going on, some deep emotions that I haven't thought about for a while, but I'm so thankful that I can apply the TRUTH of God's Word to these painful places...to know that I am enough.  I am loved.  I am accepted.  

I'm singing a song from my childhood years:

Jesus loves me, this I know,

For the Bible tells me so.

Little (and BIG) ones to Him belong,

They are weak BUT

He is strong!

"31"

Not the storage bag party company...no, not "that" thirty-one.

It's been THIRTY-ONE days since I've had fast food!  Honestly, if you had told me a month ago that I could do it, I would have said, "There's NO way!  NONE!"

I've struggled with food/secret eating/being overweight since I was 6 years old.  That's 40 YEARS!

But God.

It is Him alone that has gotten me through this past month.  I have merely tried to be obedient, tried to be quiet so I can hear Him, and really taken my hands off of this whole thing and allowed Him control.  Which is HUGE!!!

You can learn a lot in 31 days.  Here are a few things I've learned:

1. The scale is not always your friend.  It will lie and it will withhold evidence of great things you've been doing.  Keep doing them anyway.  More battles are being one than can be measured here.

2. Listen to your family.  My husband tells me some of the very same things that the 'professionals' are telling me, but for some stupid reason, I always tend to blow him off and yet take the doctors seriously.  So, I'm learning to listen to this man God has given to me. :)

3. Be Prepared.  Like a Boy Scout!  Every time!  Seriously, just plan ahead, even if you just think you're only going to run ONE ERRAND.  Still, think ahead and imagine "what if..."  Just do it!  It has saved me so many times in the last month to stash almonds in my car, (Thanks, Kate!) to have extra water with me, and to eat before I leave the house.  Fruit, nuts, protein bars, protein powder, having those things in the car or my purse are LIFE SAVING when it comes to making good choices.

4. Feast on God's Word!  This.  I cannot say enough about this.  It is becoming my FOOD, what I need more than anything to make it through the day.  I'm digging deep into Romans, and my goodness, it's so rich, like the best chocolate cake!!!  I'm trying to dig up old buried passages that I committed to memory as a child (thanks, Mom and Dad for sending me to Christian schools that "made" us memorize scripture), and freshen it to have on hand when the enemy attacks.

5. Move!  Yes, exercise.  If you have read my blog, you will remember that I do not enjoy sweating!  But I had made a commitment to exercise 4 times a week, and I've been able to do that, thanks to the help of my husband (he's paying the membership AND going with me), my oldest son, who is writing out workouts for me, my youngest son who is tagging along and getting fit, and my precious friend Kathy, who is my faithful 6:30 a.m. workout partner!  We beat each other up, sweat like mad women, talk all sorts of trash, and love every minute of it!!!

There are many, many more things that I have learned, but those are my top 5 for now.  

I would encourage anyone who reads this blog to do 3 things:

Ask God for help, if you're struggling with food/addictions.  He DOES care about this area of your life.

Seek out friends or family that you can trust to help hold you accountable, to work out with you, to give you support.

Start today.  Don't do what I did and think, "Well, let's wait until Monday, or let's wait til the 1st of the month."  Start now.  With the next meal!  You're worth it!!!