Dear Dad...

Yesterday I got the call that you missed your dialysis appointment, and you're NEVER late for that.  Somehow in my heart, I knew it wasn't going to be good.

I left work and on the way to your house I told the Lord, "I don't know what I'm about to face, but I WILL TRUST YOU."

 I have to.  There's no other way to get through this hurt without believing that God is sovereign.

The police officers met me in the driveway.  They were kind.  And gentle.  And they held me up as I cried. 

Your friends came and said they were so shocked.  They had just seen you at church.  They had just brought food to your house.

The ambulance came to take you away and I asked if I could please see you before they moved your body.  I had to know.

And there you were, lying back on the bed like I'd seen you do so many times before, the fingertips of your right hand on the button snaps of your western shirt; your left elbow resting on the bed, making your left hand up in the air, index finger almost pointing.  Your glasses on and cell phone in your pocket, fully dressed and ready to go somewhere...but I don't think you knew you were dressing for a trip to Heaven.

It gives me peace in my heart to know you went to sleep, took a little nap, and woke up to see sights that I only dream about. 

I'm so curious, and a little bit jealous, to know what you're seeing, who you're talking to. 

While you were in the hospital last month, I found myself praying that the Lord would just take you home.  You were SO very sick, and it was scaring me how depressed you were getting.  I knew you were tired and that you were really just longing for peace and health.

But I didn't expect it to be like this.

I didn't know it would hurt so much.

I thought I was ready to let you go and be happy for you.

But I'm crying. 

I'm trying to remember that you are with the One that you lived for and loved, the One you wrote about and taught us about.  And that comforts me.

But it's still painful.

However, I don't want you back.  No, you are the blessed one. 

In the secret place of my childhood memories, you are always 30 years old, tall and handsome, with a strong body, firm hands, and thick black hair.

Is that what you look like now?  I think so.  Grandma Lance will be able to recognize you looking like that!

I'm thankful for the 46 years I had with you.  They were stormy and rocky, joyful and blessed, stressful and hard, filled with learning and growing for both of us.  Our relationship wasn't "text-book" by any means.  We were far too much alike to have anything "normal!" 

But you loved me.

And I loved you.

What else could we have asked for?

I am trusting in the God of all grace to one day redeem every broken place in our hearts and our relationship.  And I believe His word that says there will come a day when there will be no more weeping, "He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces," Isaiah 25:8.

And so today, as I reflect in the midst of chaos and phone calls, questions and paperwork, I asked the Lord for a verse to hang onto, and this is the one that gives me hope; a vision of you, my handsome Daddy, rejoicing in Zion today with Jesus and your loved ones:
Isaiah 35:10 says, "And the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away."

Good-bye for now, Dad.

I love you.

"Come away with me, my Love"

I have been needing to get away by myself and spend some time alone with the Lord, and so last week I asked my husband if he could give me a night at a little retreat cabin as a gift for our anniversary.  Now, typically that doesn't sound like the best thing to do as married people, spend your anniversary weekend apart from each other.  But he knows how desperate I had become and how much I needed it, and he readily agreed! 

 

So, on Friday evening, I arrived at this sweet little cottage,

 

 

and poured out my heart to the Lord and spent time in His word, as well as lots of great books filled with truth that I needed to read, and worshiped with great music.  The bed looked like this,

 

I had purposely taken no food with me because I knew that I needed to separate myself from that very powerful idol in my life.  So for 22 hours I fasted and prayed and spent time on my face before Him. 

 

This photo really represents what I found out from God...

 

His WORD is my food!  HE is my BREAD of LIFE!  Feasting on HIM, drinking from the fountain of truth...these are what I need for my life!  He sustains me!  A BIG thank you to my friend, Kathy, who encouraged me to meditate on John 6, because it was out of that passage that this picture came to be. 

 

I cannot continue to go to the fridge to find satisfaction for my soul's needs!  There is nothing there to give me nourishment.  I MUST eat the meat of the HOLY WORD, meditate on Him and all that He is, make Him my first waking thought, and continue to submit my heart AND my fork to him (I think I've used that term in a blog post before, but it's good to say it again!).

 

When I had to leave, I was able to drive through the national park and capture so much of God's beauty.  His presence stayed with me as we "toured" together! 

 

Here are a few shots from my little getaway with Jesus...

 



 

And so I start this new week with fresh wind, with a renewed mind, with a few bruises in my heart from the "surgery" that He performed while showing me some darkened places...but so ready to see where this journey is going to take me! 

 

I know that He has great plans for me, plans to give me a hope and a future...and I know He has the same for YOU!  I never EVER want anyone that reads this blog to feel like I've got it all together or that you are alone.  You are NOT!  I am a broken human with many faults.  But I have a GREAT HIGH PRIEST that is interceding for me...and He's interceding for YOU, too!

 

So, let's do this TOGETHER!



I've Misplaced My Anger

Today is "Good Friday," the day that the whole Christian world stops and remembers the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross of Calvary.  And that's what I'm doing...thinking about the sacrifice that Christ made for ME that day, and what am I doing with it?  How am I living out of that sacrifice?

Honestly?  I'm not living.  Well, I'm living, but not living well.  I've been living in ANGER for 2 months, and it's gotten me NO WHERE.

Last Sunday over lunch, I finally put a connection together that my husband said he had NEVER heard me make in 28 years of us being together.  And it was about my addiction to sugar.

So, here it is...the deep-down, go-to-the-bottom-of-my-heart truth:  Sugar is my DRUG!  That 'connection' I mentioned?  It is this:  I use sugar to alter my mood/mind.  I have to have sugar to deal with stressful situations because I can't face them in my "normal" state.

Isn't that what drugs and alcohol are?  People use them to escape reality, to enhance or change their mood, to influence their situation.

That's me and sugar. 

And as God has revealed that to me while I was cramming SIX Snickers Fun Size bars down my throat while on the way to the hospital one day, I became angry.  But it was misplaced anger.

I am not angry that I am sinning like this.

I'm not angry at the situation I'm in because of my out of control eating.

It doesn't make me angry that I've allowed this "thing" to be in charge of my life.

What makes me angry is that God is asking me to stop!

He is asking me to GIVE UP SUGAR, to walk away from all things processed and refined.

And I'm mad, not AT MY SIN, but at the fact that I'm NOT ALLOWED to continue in my sin.

Isn't that sick?  As a Christian woman who is looking at the sacrifice made on the cross for ME, I am still choosing to divert my eyes and walk away?!

He gave His LIFE!  And I can't give Him SUGAR?

I know that God has made me for more than this way I've been living, and I know that there is NO victory over this thing without the power of Christ and the indwelling Holy Spirit.

So, tonight I will be attending the Good Friday service at church.  And I'll be focusing on the sacrifice He made for me.  And I will take the bread as His body broken for me, and drink the wine of His blood shed for me.

And I will submit myself to HIS WILL; I will continue to use these last 2 days of this week to get my affairs in order to walk out the path He is outlining for me; and I will rejoice that I do not have to do this alone.

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you" (Romans 8:11)

Looking Into a Crystal Ball

It's been 10 days since my birthday...10 days of feeling like Marty McFly and I've just returned from the future!

If you follow me on Facebook then you already know that I've been dealing with my father and his health crisis.  And I've done a post about my feelings on that whole thing in recent days.  But I wanted to update you on how it's all be affecting me.

Changing the way you eat is never easy.  I mean, really; you not only have to UN-learn all the things that you know, and then RE-learn all this new stuff. 
And you need to be organized.
And you have to be prepared for anything.
Plus you have to remember to eat 6 times a day.

Toss all that out the window when you start dealing with an aging parent that is making hospital visits, going into (and back out of) a rehab facility, multiple doctor's appointments, numerous phone calls...
Not to mention that I still have a family that needs taken care of.
AND did I tell you that I'm supposed to be homeschooling my 10th grader?!

Can I just sum this all up and spell it out for you?  D-R-I-V-E     T-H-R-U    W-I-N-D-O-W

Yeah, that's about the long and short of it for the last 10 days.

But that brings me to another point that I really wanted to talk about...this "looking into the crystal ball of my future" idea.

As I have been sitting in my Dad's hospital room, or in his nursing home room, or with him at the table in the nursing home dining room, and seeing him decline in health, yet continue to ask me to bring him pizza or hamburgers, or cake (all the wrong things), I couldn't help but feel like I'm looking into a mirror of what I can expect to look like in 20 years...IF things don't turn around.

It's serious, people.  I can sit and say, "Oh, it's just awful that he doesn't care and wants to keep eating all the wrong things and look where it's gotten him," but then on the way home, I drive through the McDonald's and get fries and a milkshake.  Or stop at the convenience store and get a candy bar and hide the wrapper from my husband.  Or order a pizza because I'm just too tired to cook.

And the sin that I'm committing is different HOW?  I'm continuing to choose to NOT take care of my body, yet I'm condemning my Dad for making wrong choices from his hospital bed?  Can we talk about splinters and beams?! :)

And so I, once again, go back to the Lord with my sinful, REBELLIOUS heart!  And I ask Him, once again, to forgive me, and CHANGE me!

And I, once again, repent and recommit to living a healthy life, of resisting the temptation to turn to FOOD for my source of comfort, when I know that is idolatry.

Because I don't want to be the 66 year old laying in a hospital bed, surrounded by family, and making them have to think about a future without me WAY TOO SOON!  But I WILL BE that person if I don't do something NOW.

There's still time. 

Happy Birthday to Me!

 

I had set a goal for myself to be in the 220's by my birthday today.  I didn't make it.  I'm still the same weight as I was one month ago.  But I've learned a LOT about myself in that amount of time.

 

1.  I am a stress eater.  This doesn't come as a huge surprise.  But it has become even MORE apparent in this time that I've been walking through some health issues with my father.

 

2.  I HAVE to be organized, or my whole world falls apart.  It's a fact that I cannot function by the seat of my pants, as much as I would LIKE to...it just doesn't work.

 

3.  Eating the wrong things for the wrong reasons gives me the wrong results!  I cannot, for the life of me, understand why I think that pizza will taste good because it's already made and quick to pick up on the way home. " It does not satisfy.  Ever.  Try to remember that!"  And I am always frustrated when I get on the scales the next morning and they show a gain.  Go figure!  I should've known it would happen.

 

But this is a new year.  And another opportunity to learn NEW lessons and make NEW choices that will take me down a different path that leads to the places I want to go.  Like good health.  Better blood work results.  Smaller clothing sizes.  More room on the couch.  Less use of pain killers.

 

So, while I may not have hit those numbers today, I'm still treading the path towards them, still working out, still doing my best to make the right choices.

 

Do I get it right every time?  NO.  In fact, I don't get it right MOST of the time.  But I'm striving.  I haven't given up.  And the GIFT of perseverance is a GREAT birthday present to myself!

A Few of My Favorite Things

Totally changing the way we eat requires just a little bit of an adventure into new isles in the grocery store, new products to try, different cooking methods, and an assortment of trials and errors.

 

So I thought I'd show you a few of the things that I've grown to love, things I MUST have on hand, things I just don't think I could live without!

 

Up first...

 

This is my water glass!  I take it everywhere.  It's like an extension of my arm these days. I actually own 2 of them exactly alike!  It's a 24 oz. Tervis and I do my best to fill it up a minimum of 4 times a day.  My daily goal is to have the second refill finished by lunchtime.  Yes.  I go to the bathroom A LOT! :)

 

 

I absolutely LOVE these tortillas!  They're the best low carb ones I've found, and believe me, I've tried about 8 different brands!  They're soft, they wrap without splitting, and they have an incredible taste!  I get them at Wal Mart in the bread section.

 

 

These pitas are GREAT...at only 4 net carbs for the WHOLE thing, it really makes you  feel great to have something to put your "stuff" in.  I typically cut them in half, which gives me less carbs, and makes them last longer. I take them with me when we go out to eat burgers and order the "low carb" version.  I even have converted my husband into taking them in his lunch instead of bread!  They are also thick enough to use for pizza crust.  I buy them at Wal Mart in the deli section.

 

 

Ok, what's not to love about chocolate and peanut butter?  Huh?!  These things are super-handy to toss into your purse, your gym bag, whatever, and you've got an instant back up plan if you get caught out past your meal time.  They have 10 g. of protein and only 9 net carbs.  You can buy them at the grocery store, but BE SURE they say "Protein" on the box and not just your average granola bar.  I got this big box at Sam's Club yesterday.  They also sell these at Costco.

 

 

Nuts!!!  We're NUTS about NUTS at this house!!!  Almonds and pistachios are our favorites, but we really haven't met a nut we don't enjoy.  The cocoa dusted almonds are one of my favorite things when I need that little "something" after a meal, or have a craving for chocolate but don't want to totally blow the "plan."  I also always keep a little solo 2 oz. serving cup of almonds in my purse.  The salt and pepper pistachios are from Costco, the other 2 we got at Sam's club.  Typically I buy them at Aldi's, but we happened to see these yesterday when we were in Knoxville.  You can NEVER have too many nuts...but that's just my opinion! ;)

 

 

My new friend.  I love the way it smells, I love the health benefits it offers, I love that if I get some on my hands I can just rub them together and not try to wash it off!  It's awesome.

 

 

Sometimes, when I'm drinking all that water, I get tired of just the plain water.  So I'll add a little bit of this in for a special treat.  It DOES have carbs, though, so I have to be sure to save room for this. 

 

 

I am in LOVE with these little things.  Now, typically I'm not a tomato lover unless it's a homegrown tomato on a sandwich of white bread and mayo!  But these.  Oh goodness, these things are so awesome.  Got them at Costco. 

 

 

Now, ideally, I need to be eating "grass fed" beef, but when I can't afford it or can't find it, this is my go-to hamburger.  Organic does NOT mean grass fed.  But it is better than the other stuff you'd pick up, full of yucky unknowns.  Costco sells this.

 

 

This salad!!!  People!  It's amazing!  It says 7 Superfoods, but I leave out the dried cranberries and pumpkin seeds and add in those cherry tomatoes that I love and a few almonds. :)  It tastes so good, and there's just something special about knowing that this GOOD tasting salad is also SO GOOD for me!  I got it at Costco, and I wish I'd gotten 2 bags of it!

 

 

I love having this kind of salad mix around.  It is pre-washed, it isn't just spinach so it has a great flavor, and it's so convenient for us to just grab and toss a salad together. 

 

 

So, there you have it!!!  A photo blog of some of the favorites at this house!  Let me know what your favorite things are. :)  I'm always up to trying something at LEAST once.

 

 

 

 

New Month - New Mercies

Yesterday was the first day of a new month and a new week, and I am ever-so-glad to see it come.  These past 2 weeks have brought all kinds of crazy, nasty weather, cold temperatures, bad roads, caused us to be homebound, and my husband had only worked 2 days out the last 14!

 

Which meant the money for groceries just wasn't there; so we ate out of the deep freeze and the emergency overstock in the basement pantry.  Not a lot of fresh fruit and veggies there.

 

I was up on the scales, and down on myself.

 

So yesterday was a day of recommitment for me.  On Saturday, I "borrowed" money from another envelope to go to the grocery store, since we had a forecast that promised some working weather!  And I got all the things I needed to get back on this low carb eating.

 

It's amazing how quickly the weight can come back ON, and yet is so reluctant to leave!  Quite frustrating, actually.

 

But it has to be done.  I do not like the way I was feeling over the last 2 weeks.  The lack of energy was unbelievable.  And my joints popped and cracked like a bag of fireworks!

 

My gym membership has also expired, and with no part-time job like I had last year to pay for it, I had to get creative.  So, while we were snowed in, we made a little workout station at the house, with the treadmill as the center piece, and all my little kettle bell weights and stability ball, yoga mat, and a few other things. 

I also moved my motivation board out of my bedroom and into my little home gym. 

It's what I see when I'm up on the treadmill.

I tried it out on Friday, and I think it's going to work just fine for me to do the exercising at home!  Which will save me a monthly fee and the cost of fuel.

 

Now the real issue is going to be "Will I USE it?"  It's just CRAZY how easily I become distracted and put off exercising, but I am pleading with the Lord to give me a drive to commit to this!  It can ONLY come from him, because I've already blogged about how much I hate to exercise!

 

And that's why I'm thankful for His mercies...they are NEW EVERY MORNING.  Which works out great for me, because I have to renew my commitment to this healthy lifestyle EVERY MORNING!