Good-Bye, old friend....

Today is the last day of 2015.

It's been a tough, rough year.

I've risen up to some BIG challenges.  And I've fallen.  And gotten up.  And fallen down again.

I've said good-bye to my father.  Rather unexpectedly.  And it was hard.

And now I find myself having to say good-bye to another "friend," after my first visit to a psychiatrist on Wednesday morning.

The story goes that, a few months ago, my primary doctor suspected that I had Binge Eating Disorder, based on my answers to some questions she asked me.  She prescribed medication (which helped with some things, but which I'm no longer taking) and suggested I see the psychiatrist.

I sat in his office and he asked a myriad of questions about family history, any past abuse, social, sexual, psychological information...really deep, invasive stuff!  And his conclusion was that I actually do NOT have the eating disorder!  Rather, I am merely exhibiting a symptom of something larger that we need to get to the bottom of.  And here's where the "good-bye" comes in.

He has challenged me to walk away, say good-bye to, to leave fast food forever!  Well, he said he'd like to see my leave it forever, but at least until I see him again on February 4th.

Wow.

This has me wrestling.  Mainly because I am also seeing a Biblical counselor and he brought in the Godly perspective of the fact that I need to seek the Lord and ask Him about it.  But what he didn't know is that the Lord had already been dealing with me about this very issue since a sermon our pastor preached on December 20th really convicted me!  (Isn't God amazing how He works things out like that?)

And sitting in the counselor's office, I said, "He's asking me to say good-bye to an old friend!"  And his reply struck me, "But is this friend really a friend?  Because it's killing you, and that's more like an enemy."

Ouch.

It's so much like a drug!  It really is.  And as I'm sifting through my heart, I keep getting these words:

Deception, deceit, secrecy, habit, pattern, theft; all words that I've heard used with addicts.

My mind has been so TAKEN OVER by this addiction to food, and not just "food" in general, but fast food in particular.  I have, in the last 8 months, become a McDonald's and Taco Bell junkie.  Really, any place with a drive-thru where I could get it and eat it in private, toss the wrappers, hide the "stuff."  Sometimes I was doing that twice a day.

And now I'm being challenged to give it up.

Can I just say, this is hard!

My husband says, "It's killing you, why are you struggling to let go?  You should be RUNNING away!"  And he is right.  I should be.

But,you know what?   The food isn't what I crave.  So what is it?

I. Don't. Know.

That's the hardest part, and that's where I'm stuck.  I don't KNOW what I "get" from eating that food.  And so, this is where I'm at...

I'm accepting the challenge (along with a couple of other things he's asked me to do, which I'll blog about later), and I'm going to be taking the next 2 weeks (until I see the Biblical counselor again) to really go deep inside my heart and ask the Lord to show me what I'm trying to "get" out of the food that I think I need.

So as this year comes to a close, and a brand new one dawns in the morning, I'm going into it with questions, with some fear, and I'm asking the Lord to grow my faith and to help me to trust Him with whatever He has planned.

Conquering Fear

I've been thinking a LOT about fear; what kind of role has it played in my life, about how long it's been one of my constant companions, etc.

And while thinking through that and tracing it back over a lifetime, I've also come across some rather interesting times when fear has been CONQUERED!  

Like the time I had such a strong desire to learn to play tennis, and I meekly put the word out, and my friend Dawn was so excited to give me a lesson:

Or how much I have secretly wanted to be a runner, but thought that I was too fat to do that.  But my friend Elizabeth believed in me and encouraged me to participate in the Couch-to-5K program and then to actually run a 5K race with some other homeschool moms from our community group:

And then there's the time that I attempted to conquer my fear of heights, and I actually rapelled from the side of a mountain at a women's retreat, while all my friends were cheering me on from down below:

I live very close to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, and yet I had never been hiking because I'm afraid of bears!  But my friend Sharon encouraged me and my son to come along with her, and I did.  And I didn't die:

And most recently, the fear that I've had of going out into the ocean...I'd never been on a beach trip, never gotten in the ocean past my ankles.  And I really, really LONGED to experience that feeling.  Enter my adventurous friend Kathy, who dragged me out there and showed me how to jump waves and let go and have fun:

Are you picking up on the common theme here?  Have you seen the ONE thing that each of these experiences have in common?

FRIEND.  

That's the word.  

I'm learning, albeit slowly, that I need people.

I cannot conquer this battle alone.  

I do not flourish in isolation.

Today, this "Thanksgiving Eve," I'm giving thanks to God for the blessing I have of friends.

Friends that do not let me "be."  Women (and men) that are not willing to see me wallow, to drop off the edge.

People that constantly call me to something deeper, higher, more noble.

They see value in me when I can't see it in myself.

They know that God has more for me than what I've been willing to settle for.

Do I still have fears?  Um, am I still breathing?  Of course I still have fears!  

But I am seeking to break free of those chains that fear has on me, to knock down the door to this prison cell of "safety" and find out what's outside.

Thank you, my faithful friends that do life with me!

"I thank my God every time I remember you."

Phillipians 1:3 (NIV)

Coming Out of the Darkness

It's been 7 months since my Dad passed.

And I'm not the same.  I'm not even sure that I ever will be.

There have been so many challenges, so much "stuff" to go through, both physically and emotionally.

I've gained weight.  A LOT of weight.  Like 18 pounds in 7 months.

I have eaten to numb pain, to mask anger, to find peace.

I've been to the doctor and been prescribed anti-depressants.  I took them, and then quit.

The diagnosis of "Binge Eating Disorder" (or B.E.D. as it's called in the medical world) has been given.  Along with medication to start helping, and an appointment made with a psychiatrist to come on November 30th. (More about the disorder/meds/doctor later)

So, lots has gone on.

But through all these things, I've had ONE constant desire: I want to be whole!  I want to feel like "me" again!

And so I sit here and start to put it all down on the screen for the world to see as a first step in that process of beginning again.

And that's what I'm doing; beginning.  Again.  Today.

Summer Travel Challenges

We are planning a trip to Indiana later this week, and while I'm excited to see some family and friends that I haven't seen in about 3 years, I'm also a little nervous about the eating part of the whole thing.

I know that I can make "decent" choices while we travel up and back...it's just a matter of finding the right symbols on the exit signs. :)

The problem comes when we arrive at our destination.  We're going to a church camp, which means eating in a cafeteria, which boils down to CARB CITY! :)  You know, mashed potatoes, noodles, dumplings, biscuits & gravy, fried this and fried that!  Not to mention the snack shop that is filled with ice cream bars, candy, nachos, and the like!

I will not have access to a refrigerator, but we will have a small cooler with us.  I need your suggestions on how to stay on track while I'm there.  Remember that I'm needing to keep my carb intake to a minimum (60 grams or less), and I won't be able to take things that need to be frozen or kept really cold.

I can't wait to hear your suggestions!

5 Days, 5 Pounds

Nothing major to blog about today, just trying to get back into the habit of posting.

I began "again" on Monday, failed miserably, and began "again" on Tuesday.

And here it is, Friday afternoon, and it's been a fairly good week.

When you have been eating a lot of sugar, drinking lots of carbonated sugary drinks, taking in massive amounts of carbs, the first bit of weight comes off pretty easily.

So when I say that I'm down 5 pounds, I understand that isn't going to be the "norm."  Trust me; I've been on enough diets to know that losing 4,5,10 pounds a week is NOT sustainable!

But it's 5 pounds; that's HALF of the 10 that I've put on since my Dad passed away in April.

Has it been easy to get back into the groove?  No.

But here are a few things that have helped:

1.  Getting rid of the Cokes from in the house.  I can't even have diet drinks around here.  I'm just too crazy.

2.  Staying home more.  I find if I run into town too often (I live in a rural community; some would say "the boonies!), I get into trouble because that's where ALL the major fast food restaurants are!

3.  Getting back to planning and pre-packaging my food.

4.  Exercising; I reactivated my gym membership this week.

5.  Drinking more water.  I cannot stress how important this is to my body, personally.

So, that's my top 5 changes that have been made around here this week.  And the results show up on the scale.

However, I'm not ruled by that scale.  Even if I never step foot on it another day, I can still know that I'm having results just by the way I feel, by my overall attitude, and by my increase in energy levels. My sleep is better at night, I'm not fighting the urge to nap in the afternoon, and my depression is WAY down to what it had been!

So, here's to healthy changes!  And now I'm off to swim with my friends! :)

Happy Weekend!

Fighting Against Freedom

Today's sermon was so poignant for me..."Without the Shedding of Blood" was the title, based on the verses from Hebrews 9:15-22.

The final worship song was this one.  As we were standing there singing, I was given a vision of what's been going on in my life.

Every sin, EVERY SINGLE sin, was nailed to the cross of Christ.  Even my sin of overeating.  Christ's death on the cross secured the victory for me over this sin.  I have been given freedom, been set FREE from every piece of bondage that this sin would have over me. 

But I don't live like it.

I had the vision of being at the cross, climbing up a ladder with a pry bar, determined to remove my sin from the cross.  I'm covered in the blood of Christ that is flowing down from His body hanging on the Cross, which ironically gives me life, but I'm only bent on taking that sin down and continuing to carry it with me.

I have written about being scared of freedom before, in November.

And so I continue to live in fear; to have the audacity to say that the cross was not enough.  Christ's death and resurrection gave me everything, EVERTHING I need to live and walk in victory.  Yet I continue to refuse to believe it.

Why do we do this?  Why do I do this?  I haven't fully figured it out, but I do know that this is the "soft underbelly" of my life.  And the enemy knows this, and uses it to sidetrack me, to distract me, to trip me up, and keep me feeling down and discouraged and reverting back to old habits.

I don't want to live like this anymore. 

It isn't living. 

It's death; slow, painful, and unnecessary for a child of God.

Tears flowed. 

I repented.

Again.

And I am determined to seek the help of the Holy Spirit to make this change in my life.  To live like I have been set free! 


Life is offered.  Freedom has been granted.  Sin has been conquered.  And my victory is just waiting for me to step out and receive it.

Clawing my way out....

It's been 2.5 months since my last post, and even as I sit on the couch typing this, my heart is racing and I have anxious feelings inside.

I love the "Anne of Green Gables" movies, and the best way to describe how I feel is a quote from Anne Shirley...I've fallen into "the depths of despair."

Really; I haven't known as much darkness as I've faced over the last 2 months.  Sometimes you think that when you bury someone, all the "stuff" that went along with relationship to the person is buried as well.  But it's not.

I feel like so many, many things just surfaced after my Dad's death.  Things I either didn't want to deal with or had no idea were there.

My sleep is attacked with horrible nightmares and disturbing dreams.  Many nights I'm awakened by my own sobs as I struggle out of the scary places in those dreams.

My precious husband is beside himself to know what else to do for me, as he prays over me, checks on me to the point of driving me crazy.

And so today, on the first day of a new month, I'm climbing, clawing my way out of this dark tunnel.  I climbed onto the scales this morning and find that awful number of 249...that's 10 pounds that have found their way back onto my body.

I have found myself sabotaging like NEVER before.  Thoughts of being undeserving to live, not being worth taking care of, what's the point to try to be healthy?, all these things have taken over my brain and my body.

And honestly, I don't even feel strong enough to jump back into the "health game" today, but I know I have to start somewhere.

So, I post today, and ask, unashamedly, for your prayers, for your support, for your encouragement.  I MUST do this to save my own life.  Christ calls me to.