Easier said than done

Today is Tuesday, 5 days AFTER Christmas...and I'm still not back on "the wagon."

I had plans to start the day after Christmas.

And then the next day.

Well, maybe after Sunday and I could get myself organized and make out my list and take stock of what I had and what I needed.

And here it is, Tuesday afternoon, and I'm still messing around, NOT prepared, NOT organized, really frustrated with myself for allowing it to have gone on this long without getting myself together.

Beating myself up.

That's what I've been doing.

Questioning and yelling at myself, "What is wrong with you?  You're so stupid!  You KNOW that every single stupid bite of food that you're putting into your mouth is like POISON, and you're still doing it?!  When are you ever going to learn?  You're killing yourself, you stupid, stupid woman!"

Yea, those are the exact things that I'm saying to myself.

Why do I talk like that to ME?  I would NEVER, EVER let anyone else talk to me like that! 

So why the loathing?  The yelling?  The hatred for myself?

Because I've gotten my eyes off of the Lord.  I've found myself desiring to "be in control," which is quite laughable because I'm TOTALLY out of control!

I'm wallowing in shame.  I have gotten away from taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and have been listening to lies, allowing my FEELINGS to trump the TRUTH.

There is an element of rebellion in my heart that has welled up inside of me and I have been refusing to deal with it.  I know it's there; it pertains to the call to exercise and move my body, and I'm mad about having to do that.  Don't ask me why!  I can't give you an explanation, but it's there.

So, all of these things have me running "hog wild" into the refrigerator and cupboard, eating all the wrong things, and I'm sick...literally almost physically sick from all the junk I've been putting into my mouth.

Today I'm confessing, to you AND God (as if He didn't already know!), and asking for strength to start again. 

Tomorrow is the last day of 2014.  I want to begin with a FRESH perspective in 2015; a new determination to stay on my face before God in total surrender with this issue.

It's a daily battle, people.  I think you know that.  It may change, it may look like a different struggle on any given day, but it's always going to be a battle.

I want to struggle well. 

Climbing Back on the Wagon

 

So, our Christmas Day started with this yummy breakfast of biscuits and gravy, hash browns, and bacon.

 

 

 

Then my daughter-in-law made a loaf of Monkey Bread filled with brown sugar, cinnamon, butter, walnuts, and of course bread, for my husband's Christmas gift!

 

And then there was this wonderful Christmas dinner...everything from ham to pies.

 

It goes without saying that it's been a rough few days! 

 

I am really amazed at just how tired I am; pretty sure that's what I'm calling "Carbohydrate Hangover!"

 

And I'm just really ready for light, healthier eating.  My body has reacted rather poorly to the heavy, starchy foods these last few days, and I found myself just craving a salad, which is a HUGE deal for me.  I don't normally enjoy salad AT ALL!

 

My goal was to maintain during the holidays, but honestly I have been scared to step on the scale, so I don't know what I did during the past week.  I'm mainly just trying to focus on getting this unhealthy stuff/junk out of my house, passing it on to others, and moving on!

 

My goal is to get this weight off and to turn my bad numbers all around in 2015.  I normally pick a word that will describe my goals in the New Year and this year's word is:

REDEEM

 

I want to redeem my health, my body, my lost years.  It can only happen with the help of the Lord, and I'm ever more aware of just how dependent I am on Him.  So I pray this New Year coming up is going to be one of great testimony of His amazing Grace to help one struggling, middle-aged woman to get her life back, for many reasons, but mainly for His glory, and for these faces:

 

 

 

Realizing a Dream

I love rollercoasters, and I love Dollywood, a local theme park that we often purchase season passes for.

2 years ago, they built a brand new rollercoaster called "The Wild Eagle." It goes straight up for 210 feet, drops you down and goes upside down 4 times at over 60 mph, a fun, fast ride, only 2:22 long.

They have a test seat outside the entrance of the ride that you can sit in to see how you're going to be strapped in, and they also have a notice that "people of larger size may not be able to be accommodated." 

I sat in the seat 2 years ago and realized I was too big for the ride.  The seatbelt would not buckle.

And I was so disappointed.

I watched everyone else going on it and coming off with smiles and cheers and tales of excitement and wonder!

And I sat on the bench, holding the bags and backpacks.

But yesterday...

Yesterday I walked to that seat and thought maybe I was still too big.

I sat in it and my older son tried to get the buckle to work, but it didn't quite make it.  And so I walked away, disappointed.

And then my younger son said, "Mom, try again.  I don't think you had the handles pulled over you the right way."

So, I sat down again and they pushed it just a little more and IT WORKED!!!

You better believe I was nervous to climb those stairs, thinking, "What if the workers aren't willing to push a little harder?  And I stand in this long line, and get up there and climb in and all those people are looking at me and I don't fit and have to get off the ride and walk away in defeat?"

So many doubts, almost with every step I was climbing!

But Clayton and I went on, and I kept asking the Lord for His help to make this happen.

And we got on the back row and I got the courage to tell the young man working the ride, "I've been working and waiting for 2 years to ride this!  And I fit in the test seat outside the gate, but you're gonna have to push a little hard to make it fit!"

His response was, "Oh, I think you've got this, no problem."

Well, it was a little bit of a challenge.  If I hadn't been wearing a coat, I probably wouldn't have had quite as much trouble, but he was so kind to work with me and get me into the seat.  When that thing clicked and buckled, I was going NO WHERE!  Believe me, if I needed to scratch something on the backside of my body there was no way it was going to happen!! :)))

And so, I rode that ride, in the dark, in the cold, and hollered my head off!!!  It was as if I was flying in absolute freedom!

When we arrived back into the gate, the young man asked me, "How was it?  Was it worth it?!" 

I gave him a HUGE thumbs up and a grin and said, "Absolutely!"

I wanted to laugh, cry, scream...so many emotions, but yes, it was worth it!!

I Can't Be Trusted...

So, I learned a lesson about myself yesterday as I was preparing to attend the annual Christmas Cookie Exchange at church...

I can't be trusted with cookies.

I thought that I had made the best choice by NOT buying all the ingredients to make some decadent "ooey-gooey-chocolate-and-caramel-luscious" something or other.

I bought a roll of Pillsbury Peppermint Sugar Cookie dough; the kind you just cut and plop on the cookie sheet.

"This won't be tempting," I said.

"I'm not going to be bothered by these," I said.

"It will be much easier to resist if I just bake and take and won't have all those leftover ingredients," I said.

Um...yeah.  That's not exactly how it worked out.

Because some of them all baked together and they didn't look even and they couldn't go to an exchange when they didn't look pretty,

so they had to stay here,

and they were warm,

and just sitting there on the cookie rack.

And so I ate that one.

And the one next to it that was a little bit burnt.

And then another.

And one that got broken.

And before you know it, I had eaten half a dozen "undesirable" cookies that were not supposed to be tempting to me!!!

And so I quickly realized that these cookies needed to go away...into the freezer...for when my son is home from the Army and wants "homemade" goodies.

So, with a sugar headache and tears in my eyes, I realized that if I had behaved this way in the privacy of my own home, with store bought "stuff," there was no way under the sun that I was going to be able to control myself with an overladen table FULL of yummy goodness that my friends had made.

So I stayed away.  Yet again.  From another social gathering. 

And it broke my heart that I had betrayed myself.

Sights, Sounds, and Smells

So, last night we

 went here...

to Dollywood, and we saw this...

and this...

and we went to our favorite show...

 

But all along the way, we also SMELLED this...

 

and this...

and this...

 

and my all-time favorite thing to eat, this...

 

But the only thing we bought was kettle corn and HOT CHOCOLATE, because it was about 29 degrees outside!

 

It was so difficult to walk away from the food, the bakery, the candy...but I did. 

 

Not because I was disciplined, or because it wasn't in my heart to desire it.

 

Mainly it was because of the prices!  Just being honest.

 

If I had had a carte blanche budget, you better believe it would've been a LOT harder to leave that place without sampling just about everything they offered, because it all smelled AH-MA-ZING!

 

So, we're going back at least 2 more times before the season is over, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to resist everything.  So, my "plan" is to pick something that I REALLY, REALLY want, to cut it in half, and to share that half with someone, which should cut the calories exponentially!

 

I have decided that, at this season, I am just not able to completely cut myself off from enjoying the holiday foods...if I have to do that, I'm going to become so discouraged.

But what I am trying to do is allow at least a "taste" of the things that I really long for. 

If I'm going to break the rules, I'm going to make it for something good!

 

So, how are YOU handling the holiday challenges?

 

P.S. The photos (besides the one of me and my family) are NOT mine.  They were pulled from an internet search for Dollywood Christmas images.

How Much More?

 

 I had a visit with the nutritionist today, and while there was good news on the scales, and praises from her about my journaling, there were also some suggestions to help me have even better results that have me quite discouraged tonight.

 

My results from my A1C blood test showed me at a 5.8%, which is definitely pre-diabetic.  And my fasting blood sugar was 91, which is "normal," but at the high end of the normal range.  So she suggests that I step away completely from potatoes (which I understand and which I've had maybe twice in the past month), and even cut my intake of the low carb bread/wraps, and cut out bananas totally, and limit my apples to half of one just every so often.

 

So, to recap,
 

No potatoes.

 

                                                  

 Almost no bread or wraps.

 

No bananas.

 

 

 

Limited apples.

 

Add this to my ever-growing list of "DO NOT EAT" and I am trying my best to not sink into despair!

 

I'm being honest when I say that I KNOW this is to save my life, literally, but it's not easy to take that news right here at the holidays when every single day is filled with the sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas time.

 

I am TRYING, really I am, trying to focus on the positive fact that I have lost 10 pounds, according to my calculations, and that people are starting to see the weight loss and tell me they see it.

 

But when I get told to cut even MORE things off the list, it IS hard to deal with.

 

This is a struggle.  Every.  Single.  Day.

 

And today's 3-4 suggestions was just hard to hear.

 

As an addict, with a somewhat rebellious heart, I will tell you that I really wanted to just stop at McDonald's, or go to the bakery and get cupcakes, or any other yummy 'forbidden' food that I could think of.

 

But I'm asking God for His help. 

 

And I ate broccoli with chicken for dinner.

Lonely

A friend of mine recently sent me a message about an earlier post I did about my anger, and she was telling me about the stages of grief.

There are 7 stages:

Shock and denial

Pain and guilt

Anger and bargaining

Depression, reflection, and loneliness

The upward turn

Reconstruction and working through

Acceptance and hope

So far, I'd say I'm right on track, going through these steps.  But you might be wondering, "Why is she acquainting her 'food issues' with grief?"

Because food was my best friend, my illicit lover, my god, my whole life!!

And I've lost that.

And in the last 3 days I have been so lonely...like my friend is gone and is never coming back.  Because in reality, that is the truth.

My relationship with food is NEVER going to be the same; it CANNOT.

And so I miss my "comfort foods," those things I turned to when I was feeling sad or needing a hug, but didn't want a human to hug me but rather wanted the feeling I got when I ate a hot slice of homemade bread, or had a gigantic hamburger, or enjoyed the burning throat and watery eyes that came from the first drink of a cold can of Pepsi.

It was real, people.  And so I walk through this feeling of missing something that has been a part of me, however BAD it was, for 40 years.

Because it goes back that far, back to when I was what was known as a "latch key kid," coming home from school to an empty house and watching the "After School Special" until my mom or dad got home from work, and eating Ding Dongs that were round and wrapped in aluminum foil.  My special friends, the T.V. and the junk food, were always waiting for me when I got home from school.

So yes, I'm lonely, and I'm grieving, and I'm pressing through. 

And trying to make friends with salad.